can i trust You?

it’s been a minute since i’ve been on here… honestly, it’s been hard for me to press “publish” on other drafts cause I feel like they’re only telling portions of a story I haven’t been ready to share about, until now… (insert dramatic music. jk)

To share what’s ahead does requires some backstory, so here we go…

The beginning of 2022 I had to end a relationship and it really crushed me. I was crushed, not because it had been long-term, but because I had such high hopes for how it would end (or I guess… not end). Breaking off that relationship was the last thing I wanted but knew I had to after seeing a pattern of dishonesty and distrust.

Walking out of that I felt disillusioned, confused and stuck. Stuck in every way and in every area of my life: physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally… and everything felt dark. Things I had always enjoyed felt empty and I did not feel like myself…I felt helpless. And I cried. A lot.

Through the care of my family, prayers my parents prayed behind closed doors, encouragement from friends, and God’s grace, Jesus pulled me out of that dark place. He was the light showing me the way out and He replaced my confusion with clarity. He brought people I barely knew, but are now close friends, into my life to hold my hand and help walk me out.

The “stuck” feeling that had defined me started to shift: Physically, I realized that I didn’t want to wait to do things that I had always envisioned doing once I was married. I started traveling with friends, taking trips on my own and was embracing the freedom and excitement of this time in my life. Emotionally, I was feeling like myself again and had moved past the regrets of that relationship. And mentally, I started going to therapy the beginning of 2023 after debating for a loonngg time whether or not I should go (little tip a friend shared with me: if you’re debating, that means you should go. Therapy has been a huge answer to prayer and it’s been one of the best *and hardest* decisions.)

But, one thing didn’t go away was a feeling of being spiritually stuck. It’s like I was numb. I had, pretty consciously, built a wall between me and God. I knew God loved me but, when I was brutally honest, I didn’t know if I could trust Him. My heart felt guarded and I was scared of anything that could cause a repeat of the kind of pain I had experienced.

During this time I was wrestling with some honest questions that were swirling in my head towards God: “Why didn’t You protect me from that hurt? Why did You allow me to pursue that relationship if You knew it would end that way? Don’t You know I already feel betrayed enough? My sister leaving, now this? Can I really trust You?”

I’ve struggled with trusting God, especially after walking through church hurt… In 2017 my family and I left a church we had gone to since I was 8 and had attended and served in for 15 years. Moral of that story, I’d encourage you to do research before attending or supporting Calvary Chapel Cary, here’s an article explaining only some of the reasons why: https://julieroys.com/calvary-chapel-pastor-addiction-abuse/. I still hear stories and am meeting people who have walked through the spiritual manipulation and neglect that is perpetuated by the “pastor” and leadership within those walls, 6 years later.

Experiencing betrayal, manipulation and deception in church, the very place that should be safe and free of those things, has caused me wrestle with God. Then, experiencing it in a relationship that I had such high hopes for, caused me to wonder if trusting God was safe, could He really be trusted? Wasn’t He supposed to be protecting my heart? Protecting me and my family? My sister? Not allowing these things to happen?

Any loving parent would do anything to keep their child from being hurt, right? So how could my Heavenly Father allow this?

I didn’t understand how He could allow me to start walking down a path that would end in a breakup or heartache… Couldn’t He just put a big “HURT AHEAD” warning sign at the start of the path so I could avoid it all together??

As I’ve been honest with these emotions, asking God what He was doing, I am learning one thing… He isn’t trying to bubble wrap my life to keep me from making mistakes or avoiding hurt and pain. For a long time I had thought that was His job.

A huge lightbulb went off for me when I realized that walking in faith doesn’t equate to avoiding hurt. Sometimes walking in His will means you will be betrayed (like He was) and experience pain. If my heart is broken or a situation ends unexpectedly, it isn’t because He’s abandoned me…no, He is with me, protecting me within the pain.

See, I mistook His protection as meaning I would be protected from hurt, protected from pain, and never experience them. But that’s not His protection at all. His protection is in the midst of the hurt and the trial. Whatever feels like it’s going to destroy me in the present, is working FOR ME eternally.

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.” 2 Cor 4:17-18

Looking back on that relationship, I prayed multiple times for God to reveal things about his character and, if there were red flags or things that needed to come to the light, I prayed for God to show me. And God did! Within 4 months I had my answer. But, when that answer wasn’t the one I had wanted, I was devastated.

God’s protection means that all these things (heartbreak, crushed expectations, confusion, betrayal, loss, pain, death, destruction, etc) don’t have the final word. What the enemy intends to destroy you, God redeems and purposes for good and growth in your life!  “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day…” Genesis 50:20

When He says “No weapon formed against you shall prosper” (Isaiah 54:17) that doesn’t mean weapons won’t be formed…they simply won’t prosper!!

I’m also really glad that God doesn’t bubble wrap our lives. You see, we bubble wrap things because we’re afraid they could be broken. But, unlike us, God isn’t fearful and He doesn’t want us to be!! If He sees the end from the beginning and He’s not afraid, then I don’t have to be either!! He tells us that perfect love casts out all fear.

1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 

Walking with Jesus should give us SO much confidence: because we know that He has only good things for us (Romans 8:32). He will show us when we are settling for less or going the wrong way. When He loving asks us to surrender something (even if it’s something that seems good!) we can trust that it’s because He has better for us. Even when we question His judgement, or wonder why it has to be so painful, we know that He loves us and He works everything, especially the pain, to show us more of Himself and develop character, trust, and faith in us.

Life doesn’t come with a pain-free guarantee, even though we frequently do everything we can to avoid it. For too long I was scared to do anything because I thought that pain or unexpected outcomes were a consequence of doing something wrong. But then I realized that the Bible is full of examples of men and women who were in the middle of God’s will and they experienced hurt and pain. Jesus is the ultimate example of that! God’s perfect will and plan for Jesus was death on the cross. But what looked like destruction on the outside wasn’t the end of the story. Redemption came through His death; which tells us that when things need to die in our life God is still working and He is still redeeming.

My dad has recently been saying: “Don’t write a period where God has placed a comma.” And that’s so true. He’s not finished.

To end, Isaiah 61:1-3 sooo richly describes God’s purpose in sending Jesus:
“He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
² To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
³ To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

You see how that ends?!? THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED.

Jesus’ purpose was to glorify God and His death on the cross, the thing that brought Him the most pain, was a part of that. These verses don’t promise protection from a broken heart, from captivity, from mourning, from ashes, or from heaviness. But those verses DO promise JESUS amidst those things. HE is our healer, our freedom, the One who comforts, who consoles, our oil of joy, our garment of praise… we can be courageous, unafraid, and unmoved by the trials that tempt to sweep us away because our victory is IN HIM: “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Cor. 15:57.

When we hear His Word, and walk in it, we will be like a house built on the rock, not on the shifting sand (Matthew 7:24-27). As the winds blow and the storms rage, may He be glorified cause He is our anchor, our firm foundation. <3

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.” Hebrews 6:19-20a

“For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Deuteronomy 20:4