I thought I’d share some of my story, specifically my testimony of how Jesus saved me…nearly nine years ago:
Before I was born Jesus saved my parents on the same night & transformed their lives; because of that my childhood was filled with the love, joy, and peace of Christ. I grew up learning about Jesus and witnessing His grace in our lives, church has always been a big part of our lives and my parents have always been actively involved. It wasn’t until I was older that I began to understand that I couldn’t depend on my parent’s relationship with Jesus, He died & rose again to have a personal relationship with me. I knew the things to do to be a “good church kid” but I knew the reality in my heart: I was empty, desired acceptance, was lonely, & would become frustrated whenever I would mess up.
I remember looking at people who had a genuine love for Jesus and wanting it so deeply but thinking it wasn’t possible for me. I was caught in a cycle of trying to keep my act together, then failing. I had become so used to being fake, going through the motions, and having “emotional experiences” at church yet remaining the same. After an inspiring sermon I would muster up the resolution to do better, only to go through the week and fail. I thought there was something wrong with me. I could “do” the right thing and “play” the part but it wasn’t coming from a place of genuine love or transformation. My determination and emotion always fizzled out with nothing to show for it.
I was looking within myself for the answer and had grown so accustomed to living a lie that I wasn’t sure if I could live in the truth. It was an exhausting, unfulfilling, emotional cycle that left me hopelessly desperate and empty. I longed for change and looking back I can see that cycle brought me to the end of myself. It brought me to the place where I knew I couldn’t go on like that and I needed Jesus. Only Jesus.
I knew my need and I knew it couldn’t come from within myself. HE needed to do it. I was powerless and needed to let go of the facades I had been trying to uphold.
It was March of 2009, I was 14, and I was set to go to our church’s summer youth retreat. I remember going into that weekend thinking over and over… “I just need Jesus.”
If you’ve ever been to a youth retreat you may have realized that each teaching kinda builds up to the last night where there’s usually an invitation to salvation, worship, and it’s typically a very emotional experience. Going into this retreat I didn’t want anything to do with that. I wasn’t sure what it felt like be a Christian or what exactly it would take but I knew I needed Jesus because I had seen Him in other’s lives. The first morning of the retreat the Pastor was sharing from Galatians 1:15-16 where Paul says “But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb and called me through His grace…” He went on to explain how God intervened and changed Paul’s heart and course; it was only a work of God, Paul had not been expecting or searching for it. His life was forever altered and it was because of God’s grace. I knew those words were for me. I needed God to intervene. And at the end the pastor simply said: “If you need God to intervene, stand up.” No emotion. No ambiance music. Just a simple invitation. And I stood. Believing that I needed Jesus, knowing that I was wretched, sinful & hopeless.
As I left that service, I didn’t feel emotional, I was sure of the work God had done in my heart, but I was also scared. Scared that it wouldn’t last and that nothing had really changed. During the free time I sat and prayed, simply telling God that I was worried that nothing had happened, that I would go home unchanged with the same unfulfilling experience. And I opened my Bible to begin reading the book of Philippians. Then I got to verse 6…
“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
I remember being shocked, a weight lifting off of my heart and knowing that God had answered my prayer through those words. All I had in my past was failure & emotional experiences which always faded; in my own flesh I could not “be” a Christian. I needed to be stripped of my pride to realize that salvation was something that God was going to have to complete in me. I now knew that no matter what failures were behind or ahead of me, my salvation was not dependent on me: I must only depend on Jesus & He would complete what He began. What I had been worried about messing up, He would complete. That was all I needed.
Then the final night of the retreat came…I stood towards the back and I remember being overflowed with an immense peace and gratitude during worship. No feeling in the world compared with the one of knowing that I was His: when the music stopped & I went home, He would be going with me. The confidence and faith He put it my heart was something I had never before known: I knew it was Him; nothing I had done. I had complicated it my whole life while Jesus was there, patiently waiting, drawing me, & pursuing me… I’m so grateful for that day.
Never take your story for granted. It reveals God’s grace and faithfulness. But remember that your story is not finished. For me, there is so much that has happened since that day…dry seasons, seasons of doubt and questioning, failures and successes, but He’s always been there. Teaching, redeeming, healing, and completing me. And He is doing the same with you.
“I am afraid, however, that …
your minds may be led astray from
your simple and pure devotion to Christ.”
-2 Corinthians 11:3