I just finished reading “The God I Love” which is an autobiography of the life of Joni Eareckson Tada. It is SUCH a good book. *spoilers ahead* If you’re not familiar with Joni’s story, here’s a quick background: she grew up in Maryland on an expansive farm where she was very active, always riding horses, swimming, and enjoying the outdoors. At the age of 17 she was at the lake with her sister and as she was diving into the water, hit her head on a rock. Tragically, as a result, Joni was paralyzed from the neck down.
She is incredibly honest about the struggle and immense wrestling she dealt with after her accident. She spent months and months in a hospital bed, undergoing surgeries and therapies, drowning in deep depression and in anguish thinking about the things she would no longer be able to do and the dreams she had that would never come to pass.
“[As I lay in my hospital bed] Panic seized me. ‘Please, I can’t live like a prisoner. I can’t live this way. … I have no hope, I have no hope, I have no hope.’ I [Joni] repeated. ‘You have to be up there; somebody better be up there…and You must, I know You must, care.’ ” pg. 180 & 181
“Half my problems in accepting life was watching my past wither and die as time wedged itself between my memories and me.” pg. 202
Joni shares how she prayed, begged, & believed for healing from paralysis and held onto scriptures like the one of the Jesus healing the man who was an invalid at the pool of Bethesda. Joni shares the disappointment and confusion she dealt with when the healing she prayed for didn’t come. As she continued to plead with the Lord for an answer she shares how the Lord has met her time and time again, comforting her, not dismissing her because of her doubts, but embracing her and leading her into deeper faith and trust amidst the suffering:
“Something was happening to me. I was caught up in God’s thoughts about me, not my thoughts about Him. I was lying in a stream of sunshine, consumed by His compassion for me, not by my anger and doubt about Him. My thoughts didn’t even matter now, only His did. Only His mind, His heart. And His mind and heart were communicating clearly: ‘Come unto Me, Let Me give you rest.’ Yes, yes. I need rest. I just want rest. Rest & peace.” pg. 183
Joni shares about her niece Kelly who, at 6-years old, was diagnosed with cancer. After an extensive surgery, Kelly was left partially paralyzed, leaving her wheelchair bound like her Aunt Joni. Joni says, “there were now 2 wheelchairs at the table: mine, adult sized and Kelly’s miniature one.” (pg. 203) One day Kelly looks up at Joni and lightheartedly remarks: “I like your wheelchair Aunt Joni! …I want one like yours when I grow up.” (pg 204) “I gulped hard,” Joni remembers: “[Kelly] didn’t seem to have a clue about the price one actually pays to join such a ‘club.’ She seemed to discount the pain, disappointment, and broken dreams. She utterly disregarded the dark side. To her, it wasn’t even worth considering.” (pg. 204)
“I was still bogged down by broken dreams. I still struggled with the dark side, that I didn’t quite know how to accept where I sat. Kelly’s sufferings had pushed her into the arms of Jesus and her gracious, openhearted way of embracing His will had cracked open heaven’s floodgates of blessing.” pg. 205
When Kelly went home to be with Jesus, Joni writes about reflecting on Kelly’s life and heaven:
“I had always acknowledged that heaven was a part of what it meant to be a Christian. Yet it had existed only a a part of the culture of my faith, more of a mental understanding than an actual realm that encroached on the present, infusing its power and hope into everything. I wanted greater faith, the kind described in Hebrews: Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I wanted to be sure. To be hopeful. To be certain of something I couldn’t see. I needed faith that large to accept life in a wheelchair, to be enrolled in the fellowship of Christ’s suffering. My wheelchair was my chance to identify with Christ.” pg. 207
At one point in the book Joni is wrestling with the question that I believe we’ve all asked in one form or another: “Do things happen by chance?” Joni asks her Bible study leader, Steve: “Was my accident just that; an accident?” And I absolutely love the answer that he gives:
“Well Joni, let me ask you this: Do you think it was God’s will for Jesus to suffer? Think about this: it was Satan who entered Judas when he betrayed Jesus, surely the devil was behind the drunken soldiers beating Jesus and pulling out His beard. What about the mob that screamed for His blood? How can any of those be God’s will? Treason. Injustice. Torture. Murder. And yet, when we say that the cross was all a part of God’s plan, we forget that it included evil things like these. Acts 4:28 says ‘They (meaning Judas, Pilate, the mob, and the rest) did what Your power and will had decided beforehand should happen.‘ God didn’t take His hand off the wheel for one moment. He permits things He hates — really hates — to accomplish something He loves. The world’s worst murder became the world’s only salvation.” pg. 218
” ‘Joni, don’t regret that you prayed to get closer to God,’ said Steve, ‘It’s worth anything to know Him. Everything else is a loss in comparison…. Think of what your wheelchair is doing: it’s like a jackhammer breaking apart all your rocks of resistance. It’s sandblasting you to the core, obliterating all the pride and independence.’ … So often I had dared not believe that my wheelchair could be a passport to joy. Instead, I’d reigned in my hopes, bridled my heart, buckled up my thoughts and tied down my dreams. I would not let go; I would not be free. I wouldn’t release myself to believe that the joy of the Lord was big enough to enrapture and enthrall me, despite my lifeless, limp body. ‘You will never accept your wheelchair…’ Steve told me, ‘but you can embrace God.‘ Greater faith meant, not faith in my ability to accept a wheelchair, but faith to embrace Christ and trust Him BECAUSE of my sufferings.” excerpts from pg. 208 & 209
And with that revelation of the suffering Jesus endured and the price He paid on the cross, Joni realizes:
“Here was a God who understood my suffering.” pg. 184
“True wisdom is not found in being able to figure out why God allows tragedies to happen. True wisdom is found in trusting God when you can’t figure things out.” pg. 286
“We rant and rave against God for the evil we have to endure but hardly blink at the evil on our own hearts… I knew God was requiring me to make choices. He was revealing walls in my life He wanted to tear down: pride that raised its ugly head, the temptation to rehearse successes, my still fierce competitive spirit, the constant itch to have things my way… God Himself was breaking the iron grip of iron-rule-keeping. This was the God I was beginning to fall in love with: the One whose commandments were not burdensome; the One who was changing my heart.” pg. 265 & 277
As Joni continued to trust the Lord, He began to open doors and fulfill dreams that she had surrendered long ago. She has been able to travel the world serving the Lord and others and also joined Billy Graham as a speaker at his crusades on multiple occasions. In 1982 she was married to her husband Ken.
With much patience, Joni also learned how to paint using a paintbrush in her mouth and is an incredible artist!
Joni helped begin a ministry called Joni & Friends that equips churches around the world to serve those with disabilities and they share the gospel while also providing those living with disabilities with wheelchairs, support, resources, and assistance. When she started traveling the world she began to realize the difference between the christianity she witnessed in America and the christianity she experienced in persecuted, communist, and third-world countries. This excerpt really hit home:
“In the West, we think God exists to make our lives happy, more meaningful & trouble-free. Suffering is a hateful word & we’ll do anything to eradicate, medicate, circumvent, or divorce it…. But I’ve learned that maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones who don’t need God as much… the weaker we are the harder we must lean on God, and the harder we lean on Him the stronger we discover Him to be.” pg. 299 & 302
” ‘LORD, please keep Your everlasting arms underneath me. Please give me strength to hope; not that I’ll get better but that You are enough. I need hope that you are enough.’ Jesus died on the cross for my sins; that I knew. Now I must take up my cross and die to sin. Die to any hollow, casual trust in God. Die to faithlessness, to every doubt & fear, to all anxiety and worry. To having control and assuming that my trials should fit neatly into my planner, that God should space them out in moderate doses. Die to my pride and self-sufficiency, to self-resourcefulness, and self-reliance. Die to self: me, me, me, me.” pg. 315
"The truly handicapped among us are those who start their mornings on automatic cruise control, without needing God. But He gives strength to all who cry to Him for help. So, who are the weak & needy? Who are those who need His help? It's you. It's me." pg. 352
“The God I Love” was released in 2003 and was written during a time when the world was reeling after the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001. Reading it now, in 2020, Joni’s description of the world as being “vulnerable, fragile, and unsafe” sounded so familiar with the pandemic happening around us today. The desperation in our world hasn’t changed, and more than ever people are searching for a foundation that does not shake. In Jesus we have hope, joy, and peace amidst suffering.
"Never have the lines between the forces of darkness and light, of good and evil, seemed so clear. Never has the world, battered and bruised as it is, seemed so vulnerable, so fragile. So unsafe." pg. 354
As I’ve read about Joni’s life the verse that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
“Therefore we do not lose heart.
Even though our outward man is perishing,
yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,
is working for us a far more exceeding
and eternal weight of glory.”
There’s an infectious joy, peace, and love that Joni exudes when she writes and shares. She talks about Jesus like He’s her best friend, because He is. She ends the book with these 2 quotes:
“LORD, Your ‘no’ answer to physical healing meant ‘yes’ to a deeper healing; a better one. Your answer has bound me to other believers and taught me so much about myself. It’s purged sin from my life, it’s strengthened my commitment to You, & caused me to depend on Your grace. Your wiser, deeper answer has stretched my hope, refined my faith, and helped me to know You better. And You are good. You are so good…
I know I wouldn’t love, trust, or know You; were it not for this wheelchair.” pg. 356
“I thank Him for the wiser choice, the better answer, the harder yet richer path… This is the God I love: the Peacemaker, Answer to all our deepest longings, Answer to all our fears, Man of Sorrows and Lord of joy, always permitting what He hates to accomplish something He loves. He has brought me here so I can declare that: ‘Yes. There are more important things in life than walking.’ ” pg. 357
“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart!
I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
