Category: When life is hard

“If you can’t see His way past the tears, trust His heart.”
― Charles Spurgeon

“The God I Love”

I just finished reading “The God I Love” which is an autobiography of the life of Joni Eareckson Tada. It is SUCH a good book. *spoilers ahead* If you’re not familiar with Joni’s story, here’s a quick background: she grew up in Maryland on an expansive farm where she was very active, always riding horses, swimming, and enjoying the outdoors. At the age of 17 she was at the lake with her sister and as she was diving into the water, hit her head on a rock. Tragically, as a result, Joni was paralyzed from the neck down.

She is incredibly honest about the struggle and immense wrestling she dealt with after her accident. She spent months and months in a hospital bed, undergoing surgeries and therapies, drowning in deep depression and in anguish thinking about the things she would no longer be able to do and the dreams she had that would never come to pass.

“[As I lay in my hospital bed] Panic seized me. ‘Please, I can’t live like a prisoner. I can’t live this way. … I have no hope, I have no hope, I have no hope.’ I [Joni] repeated. ‘You have to be up there; somebody better be up there…and You must, I know You must, care.’ ” pg. 180 & 181

“Half my problems in accepting life was watching my past wither and die as time wedged itself between my memories and me.” pg. 202

Joni shares how she prayed, begged, & believed for healing from paralysis and held onto scriptures like the one of the Jesus healing the man who was an invalid at the pool of Bethesda. Joni shares the disappointment and confusion she dealt with when the healing she prayed for didn’t come. As she continued to plead with the Lord for an answer she shares how the Lord has met her time and time again, comforting her, not dismissing her because of her doubts, but embracing her and leading her into deeper faith and trust amidst the suffering:

“Something was happening to me. I was caught up in God’s thoughts about me, not my thoughts about Him. I was lying in a stream of sunshine, consumed by His compassion for me, not by my anger and doubt about Him. My thoughts didn’t even matter now, only His did. Only His mind, His heart. And His mind and heart were communicating clearly: ‘Come unto Me, Let Me give you rest.’ Yes, yes. I need rest. I just want rest. Rest & peace.” pg. 183

Joni shares about her niece Kelly who, at 6-years old, was diagnosed with cancer. After an extensive surgery, Kelly was left partially paralyzed, leaving her wheelchair bound like her Aunt Joni. Joni says, “there were now 2 wheelchairs at the table: mine, adult sized and Kelly’s miniature one.” (pg. 203) One day Kelly looks up at Joni and lightheartedly remarks: “I like your wheelchair Aunt Joni! …I want one like yours when I grow up.” (pg 204) “I gulped hard,” Joni remembers: “[Kelly] didn’t seem to have a clue about the price one actually pays to join such a ‘club.’ She seemed to discount the pain, disappointment, and broken dreams. She utterly disregarded the dark side. To her, it wasn’t even worth considering.” (pg. 204)

“I was still bogged down by broken dreams. I still struggled with the dark side, that I didn’t quite know how to accept where I sat. Kelly’s sufferings had pushed her into the arms of Jesus and her gracious, openhearted way of embracing His will had cracked open heaven’s floodgates of blessing.” pg. 205

When Kelly went home to be with Jesus, Joni writes about reflecting on Kelly’s life and heaven:

“I had always acknowledged that heaven was a part of what it meant to be a Christian. Yet it had existed only a a part of the culture of my faith, more of a mental understanding than an actual realm that encroached on the present, infusing its power and hope into everything. I wanted greater faith, the kind described in Hebrews: Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. I wanted to be sure. To be hopeful. To be certain of something I couldn’t see. I needed faith that large to accept life in a wheelchair, to be enrolled in the fellowship of Christ’s suffering. My wheelchair was my chance to identify with Christ.” pg. 207

At one point in the book Joni is wrestling with the question that I believe we’ve all asked in one form or another: “Do things happen by chance?” Joni asks her Bible study leader, Steve: “Was my accident just that; an accident?” And I absolutely love the answer that he gives:

“Well Joni, let me ask you this: Do you think it was God’s will for Jesus to suffer? Think about this: it was Satan who entered Judas when he betrayed Jesus, surely the devil was behind the drunken soldiers beating Jesus and pulling out His beard. What about the mob that screamed for His blood? How can any of those be God’s will? Treason. Injustice. Torture. Murder. And yet, when we say that the cross was all a part of God’s plan, we forget that it included evil things like these. Acts 4:28 says ‘They (meaning Judas, Pilate, the mob, and the rest) did what Your power and will had decided beforehand should happen.‘ God didn’t take His hand off the wheel for one moment. He permits things He hates — really hates — to accomplish something He loves. The world’s worst murder became the world’s only salvation.” pg. 218

” ‘Joni, don’t regret that you prayed to get closer to God,’ said Steve, ‘It’s worth anything to know Him. Everything else is a loss in comparison…. Think of what your wheelchair is doing: it’s like a jackhammer breaking apart all your rocks of resistance. It’s sandblasting you to the core, obliterating all the pride and independence.’ … So often I had dared not believe that my wheelchair could be a passport to joy. Instead, I’d reigned in my hopes, bridled my heart, buckled up my thoughts and tied down my dreams. I would not let go; I would not be free. I wouldn’t release myself to believe that the joy of the Lord was big enough to enrapture and enthrall me, despite my lifeless, limp body. ‘You will never accept your wheelchair…’ Steve told me, ‘but you can embrace God.‘ Greater faith meant, not faith in my ability to accept a wheelchair, but faith to embrace Christ and trust Him BECAUSE of my sufferings.” excerpts from pg. 208 & 209

And with that revelation of the suffering Jesus endured and the price He paid on the cross, Joni realizes:

“Here was a God who understood my suffering.” pg. 184

“True wisdom is not found in being able to figure out why God allows tragedies to happen. True wisdom is found in trusting God when you can’t figure things out.” pg. 286
“We rant and rave against God for the evil we have to endure but hardly blink at the evil on our own hearts… I knew God was requiring me to make choices. He was revealing walls in my life He wanted to tear down: pride that raised its ugly head, the temptation to rehearse successes, my still fierce competitive spirit, the constant itch to have things my way… God Himself was breaking the iron grip of iron-rule-keeping. This was the God I was beginning to fall in love with: the One whose commandments were not burdensome; the One who was changing my heart.” pg. 265 & 277

As Joni continued to trust the Lord, He began to open doors and fulfill dreams that she had surrendered long ago. She has been able to travel the world serving the Lord and others and also joined Billy Graham as a speaker at his crusades on multiple occasions. In 1982 she was married to her husband Ken.

With much patience, Joni also learned how to paint using a paintbrush in her mouth and is an incredible artist!

Joni helped begin a ministry called Joni & Friends that equips churches around the world to serve those with disabilities and they share the gospel while also providing those living with disabilities with wheelchairs, support, resources, and assistance. When she started traveling the world she began to realize the difference between the christianity she witnessed in America and the christianity she experienced in persecuted, communist, and third-world countries. This excerpt really hit home:

“In the West, we think God exists to make our lives happy, more meaningful & trouble-free. Suffering is a hateful word & we’ll do anything to eradicate, medicate, circumvent, or divorce it…. But I’ve learned that maybe the truly handicapped people are the ones who don’t need God as much… the weaker we are the harder we must lean on God, and the harder we lean on Him the stronger we discover Him to be.” pg. 299 & 302

” ‘LORD, please keep Your everlasting arms underneath me. Please give me strength to hope; not that I’ll get better but that You are enough. I need hope that you are enough.’ Jesus died on the cross for my sins; that I knew. Now I must take up my cross and die to sin. Die to any hollow, casual trust in God. Die to faithlessness, to every doubt & fear, to all anxiety and worry. To having control and assuming that my trials should fit neatly into my planner, that God should space them out in moderate doses. Die to my pride and self-sufficiency, to self-resourcefulness, and self-reliance. Die to self: me, me, me, me.” pg. 315 

"The truly handicapped among us are those who start their mornings on automatic cruise control, without needing God. But He gives strength to all who cry to Him for help. So, who are the weak & needy? Who are those who need His help? It's you. It's me." pg. 352

“The God I Love” was released in 2003 and was written during a time when the world was reeling after the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001. Reading it now, in 2020, Joni’s description of the world as being “vulnerable, fragile, and unsafe” sounded so familiar with the pandemic happening around us today. The desperation in our world hasn’t changed, and more than ever people are searching for a foundation that does not shake. In Jesus we have hope, joy, and peace amidst suffering.

"Never have the lines between the forces of darkness and light, of good and evil, seemed so clear. Never has the world, battered and bruised as it is, seemed so vulnerable, so fragile. So unsafe." pg. 354

As I’ve read about Joni’s life the verse that comes to mind is 2 Corinthians 4:16-18:

“Therefore we do not lose heart.
Even though our outward man is perishing,
yet the inward man is being renewed day by day.
For our light affliction, which is but for a moment,
is working for us a far more exceeding
and eternal weight of glory.”

There’s an infectious joy, peace, and love that Joni exudes when she writes and shares. She talks about Jesus like He’s her best friend, because He is. She ends the book with these 2 quotes:

“LORD, Your ‘no’ answer to physical healing meant ‘yes’ to a deeper healing; a better one. Your answer has bound me to other believers and taught me so much about myself. It’s purged sin from my life, it’s strengthened my commitment to You, & caused me to depend on Your grace. Your wiser, deeper answer has stretched my hope, refined my faith, and helped me to know You better. And You are good. You are so good…
I know I wouldn’t love, trust, or know You; were it not for this wheelchair.” pg. 356

“I thank Him for the wiser choice, the better answer, the harder yet richer path… This is the God I love: the Peacemaker, Answer to all our deepest longings, Answer to all our fears, Man of Sorrows and Lord of joy, always permitting what He hates to accomplish something He loves. He has brought me here so I can declare that: ‘Yes. There are more important things in life than walking.’ ” pg. 357

“In this world you will have trouble.
But take heart!
I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

strength for all things.

"I can do all things 
through Christ 
who strengthens me." 
Phil 4:13

We’ve all heard that verse a million times right?? People frequently use it to find motivation & inspiration: to do something hard or start something scary. It’s a “nice verse” to put on a T-shirt or coffee mug.

We all want “strength” for “all things” right?!? Who wouldn’t?!

But when I read this verse in context it gives a very different picture than my usual understanding of this verse… in the verses prior Paul says:

"I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.
I know how to be brought low & I know how to abound.
In any & every circumstance,
I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger,
abundance & need."
Phil 4:11b-12

So wait a minute… Paul is talking about being CONTENT in all circumstances:

Content in humiliation.

Content in hunger.

Content in need.

And he completes this thought by saying “I CAN do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me.”

As I look at the life Paul it was NOT one of ease or comfort. Just read 2 Corinthians 11:23-31 for an overview of the sufferings he faced which include imprisonment, beatings, stoned, shipwrecked…and the list goes on!

As I look at Paul’s life it was defined by surrender, strength in the Lord & a deep contentment with God’s will for his life. And when I examine my own heart it causes me to ask the Lord to give me strength to rest & trust in Him amidst difficulty and suffering. I see that it’s ssooo easy for me to rely on my own strength for things that I want to do or even to do good things; like ministry! I can muster up strength to push through & persevere through many things, even while under the pretense of doing it “in the Lord’s strength,” but one of the greatest tests as to whether or not I’m relying on the Lord’s strength is when something unexpected happens. . . something that is beyond my control and far out of my ability to change. In moments of stress or frustration the Lord reveals who I’m really relying on: myself or Him.

That is why suffering plays such a necessary role in the life of the believer: Jesus never promised to spare us from suffering, but He has given us His Holy Spirit to TRANSFORM us THRU suffering. Have you realized that those in the Bible who God mightily worked through always endured great affliction? It’s because Jesus purifies & refines us in trials. Paul speaks of this in 2 Corinthians 4:16-17: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory…”

We know life is frail and that everything that is on this earth is delicate and temporal but it’s also easy to live like we’ve forgotten that. . . sometimes it takes a crisis, or a pandemic, for us to remember & refocus. To realize that I’ve never had any strength and that any power I think I had was really only an illusion, I had deceived myself into believing I was in control. The reality of the gospel is that it reveals the selfishness & rebellion in my heart and brings me to the feet of Jesus where He changes my heart.

When we read that God gives us strength for all things we want to tell God what we want strength for: to get the promotion, to earn the achievement, to receive the award . . . you know, we want to have the strength to do things that are “glamorous” or “show-y.” I’m pretty much saying that I want the strength to do the things that I want so that in the end I can proclaim, “I did this through Christ’s strength! Pretty amazing huh?!”

But Paul talking about BEING CONTENT in all things: including humiliation, hunger, and need. 

Woah. 

But that doesn’t make me look strong or impressive, in fact, that goes against the false “gospel” that says Jesus wants you to be successful, rich, and prosperous.

But what if the desire of Jesus’ heart is for you to walk through a season of something you’d never have chosen for yourself?
What if that’s how He wants to demonstrate His strength in you? 

What if He’s asking you to go thru something you know is impossible because then ONLY HE will get the glory? If Jesus is truly my Lord and Savior that means He gets to decide how I will give Him glory. The walk of faith is one of worshipping God amidst the ash, before the beauty. Much like Job, in the middle of despair and grief declared: “The Lord gives & the Lord takes away: blessed be the name of the Lord.” 

Jesus wants to create in us a heart that will surrender, worship, & glorify Him in all circumstances. He's looking for a vessel that's empty of itself so He can fill a heart that declares: "Lord, I want to give You glory in what You have prepared for me."

I don’t want to look back on my life one day and realize that I spent all my effort trying to stay strong while all along Jesus was trying to show me my own weakness so He could be my strength.

If Jesus faced humiliation, hunger, & need how do I expect to be spared from those things? Luke 9:58 say that Jesus had “no place to lay His head” and when we pray: “Jesus, I want to be more like You” we’d rather bypass the suffering, pain & sorrow.
But the fact is that Jesus promises tribulation in John 16:33! He says: “I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

It’s easy for the world to have happiness, peace, & joy when everything seems care-free & easy, but the moment things go off the rails their happiness is also gone. Jesus has given us His Holy Spirit to give us the FRUIT of the Spirit (Gal. 5:22-23) AMIDST trial & suffering. He does the impossible in us because when we’re at our weakest we can rejoice that He is our strength. We, like Paul, can say: “I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me…I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Cor. 12:9-10)

“God is our refuge & strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
though the earth gives way…”
-Psalm 46:1-2

the break of dawn.

This verse in Psalms encouraged me tremendously over the summer & now, as I find myself looking back, it brings me such comfort to reflect on what God has done & is continuing to do.

Maybe you can relate to walking thru seasons that feel ‘dark.’ Seasons when you wonder what Jesus is doing or where He is. Seasons that test your hope…

Are you in the middle of something where it feels like day will never come?
Has the night been too long?
Have you doubted if you’ll ever see the light of day?
Have you been disappointed: thinking the prayer should’ve already been answered?
Are you close to giving up?

O heart . . .
don’t lose hope —
day is dawning.
light is breaking.
the sun is about to pierce thru.
— and it will change everything . . .

But what if it looks different than you expected?
. . . are you ready to receive that?

Maybe your situation won’t change but you’ll realize that Jesus has been with you all along.
You have not been lost.
You have not been alone.
He is right by your side: guiding you with the light of His presence.

Often times we pray for seasons suffering or waiting to be removed because we know that God is all-powerful & can change our circumstances in an instant. So we struggle to trust Him when when our prayers seem unanswered and our faith is tested when nothing changes.

Many times we think our faith will be strengthened when the suffering is removed… but true faith is produced when we pray for God’s will to be done amidst the storm.

Maybe the greatest miracle isn’t a change of circumstance
but a change of heart.

God changes our hearts & refines our faith in the fire & thru the storm: we learn to walk by faith when we cannot see what’s ahead. We learn to trust His character when we don’t feel His presence.

We can trust Him in the dark: because He is the light.
Dawn is breaking.
He is in your midst.

"There is no other name but the name that is Jesus
He who was & still is, & will be through it all
So come what may in the space between
All the things unseen & this reckoning
I know I will never be alone

There'll be another in the fire
Standing next to me
There'll be another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
How good You've been to me
There is a cross that bears the burden
Where another died for me"
-Another in the Fire, Hillsong

Light in the darkness…

“That they may know from the rising of the sun to its setting that there is none besides Me. I am the Lord, and there is no other; I form the light and create darkness, I make peace and create calamity; I, the Lord, do all these things.” –Isaiah 45:7

“Believe in the darkness what you have seen in the light.“
– Lilias Trotter

Have you ever grappled with the fact that we are called children of the Light (1 Thess 5:5, Eph 5:8) but also still feel the weight of darkness so heavy at times?

While we have been called out of darkness, named children of Light, and know the Light of the world; we live in a world that is still unbearably dark. The darkness is present and tangible. It is real. We face it every day and experience it’s devastating effect.

Jesus came to free us from sin and from the penalty of sin: eternal separation from Him — but while on this side of heaven we still wrestle with and experience the consequences of sin. When we look at the world with our physical eyes it can be hard to see God’s hand at work. At times it’s easy to feel like the power of darkness is stronger than the Light.

But God’s word brings me such encouragement, such comfort, and so much hope. These verses have been healing:

“Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light,
trust in the name of the Lord and rely on their God.”
Isaiah 50:10 

“You, Lord, are my Lamp;
the Lord turns my darkness into light”
2 Samuel 22:29

“He called you out of the darkness
into His wonderful light.”
1 Peter 2:9

I am reminded that God is not to blame for the darkness: the death, grief, loss, pain, deception, injustice, hatred, poverty, abuse, and sickness in our world are all the result of sin. The Devil is the father of lies, deception, and darkness. It originated with him and he is seeking those he can devour, destroy and condemn. The devil wants to keep us stumbling in darkness, confused, and lost in our sin.

That was me: I was helpless, stumbling in the dark with no way out and couldn’t discern which way to go. That’s where Jesus stepped in: the Light of the world to expose the darkness and provide the way of Salvation. The greatest need in our world and in our hearts is LIGHT.

“God is light and in Him is no darkness at all.”
-1 John 1:5

When the hopelessness tries to overtake me, my heart cries out: “Jesus let me see Your light. Open my eyes to see You; YOU are the only solution for the darkness.”

It’s easy to allow the darkness to cause us to doubt His presence.
But instead, allow the darkness to draw you even closer to His light.
The dark makes His light shine even brighter.

"For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ." - 2 Corinthians 4:6

"To give light to those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, To guide our feet into the way of peace." - Luke 1:79

The deepest, darkest places in your heart where the hard questions, doubt and pain lie are not surprising to Him. The places you thought you’ve been able to hide and where you’ve wondered if His love and forgiveness would reach are not unexpected to Him. All He asks that we come openly and honestly before Him, step into the light and expose the darkness. You do not need to have all your words preplanned or eloquently thought out: He already knows every crevice of your heart and loves you still. His desire is to transform  hearts from a place of darkness to a place of Light.

When you cannot find clarity in your circumstance, He is your light. When grief causes your vision of Him to become blurred—He is light.
There may be darkness seeking to choke out His light in your heart and life: whether it is anxiety, depression, grief, or loss…it can leave you feeling unworthy, ashamed, and undeserving of His presence, but cling to His word:
In His Word He has clearly revealed to us Who He is. We can trust His character and rest our full confidence and assurance in the fact that He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He never changes. While we face times of darkness and change He is the One constant. The only One who can bring clarity. The One who is “the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning” (James 1:17).

It’s when you can’t see that you learn to trust Him in the dark.
When you don’t see His hand you can trust that He’s still working.

He redeems the darkness.
When we think we’ll be crushed under the weight; He is using it to strengthen us.
He is growing our faith.

God does not deny the presence of darkness but He promises to be the Light.
He doesn’t promise to remove the darkness; but promises to be our Light thru it.

It is as if He is saying: “I know. There is darkness; and it can be crippling and paralyzing at times. It can feel helpless & hopeless. But I am the Light of the world. I am the Light of your heart. In Me there is NO darkness. There is no confusion or shadow of turning in Me.” The darkness that I was once fearful would hide His face from me now draws me closer towards Him. He is the only One who can navigate this dark world and I can trust that He will carry me thru.

“I will go before you and make the crooked places straight; I will break in pieces the gates of bronze and cut the bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness and hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel.” – Isaiah 45:2-3

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.” – Isaiah 42:16

“God is too good to be unkind
& He is too wise to be mistaken.
And when we cannot trace His hand,
we must trust His heart.”
– C.H. Spurgeon

If you’re stumbling in the dark,
run your hands against the walls
Find every window, every door,
throw them open, throw them open
In will flood a blinding light,
and it will chase away the night
Even if you shield your eyes,
let it pour in, let it pour in (Jess Ray “Gallows”)

“What’s true in the light
Is still true in the dark
You’re good and You’re kind
And You care for this heart
Lord I believe, You weep with me.”
– Rend collective

“Sometimes God puts us through the experience and discipline of darkness to teach us to hear and obey Him…once you hear Him, He gives you the gift of humiliation, which brings a softness of heart— a gift that will always cause you to listen to God now. When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else once you are back in the light.” – Oswald Chambers