“Lord, I want to see.”

I recently read the petition of the blind man in Luke 18:41 and found my heart crying the same prayer:

“Lord, I want to see.” 

He pleads in humility, with unwavering resolve, and brings his desire before Jesus: “I want to see.”

This blind man teaches me that my prayers don’t have to be long or eloquent. I don’t have to talk around the problem, trying to cover up my need, or act like everything is ok. I can go to Jesus; fully trusting that He will meet me where I am and He’s not afraid of my honesty.

No matter what darkness you are facing: Jesus, the Light of the World, is there to meet you. Maybe He won’t take the darkness away—but He’ll be the light and give you eyes to see Him amidst the dark.

His prayer also convicted me. In seasons of questioning or confusion I have prayed a similar prayer: “Lord, open my eyes! I want to see! I want to understand! I want clarity, I need Your guidance and direction. I am helpless; I need You!” And Jesus has answered by opening my eyes, convicting my heart and revealing something I hadn’t seen before.  But I have often been quick to turn and fix my eyes on something else—because I’d rather not acknowledge my weakness or admit my need because I don’t want to do what is required to change. So I choose distraction: there are a million things vying for our attention & it’s so easy to habitually turn to what’s designed to mindlessly entertain, dull the pain, or unsuccessfully satisfy us.

Life is messy, it hurts, it gets uncomfortable, and its easy to think that it would be better to act like it’s all ok; to keep our eyes closed and never have to face the reality of our desperation.

Because honestly: seeing hurts. I’m sure this man stood in wonder and awe as he saw God’s creation for the first time—but I’m sure his heart also broke when he saw pain and injustice that he had only heard or felt before.

But his life was changed forever because of Jesus. I imagine how many times he must’ve shared his story, with tears in his eyes, clouding his vision, proclaiming the goodness of how Jesus answered him.  He probably never grew tired of telling his miracle.

Jesus is not ashamed, embarrassed, or turned away by your need—He does not look away in an attempt to keep from making eye contact. He sees.  He wants to meet you in your longing.  But more than that: He wants to heal, change, and restore you.

This blind man could’ve chosen to keep silent. He could’ve allowed every doubt and fear to keep him quiet. He could’ve listened to the people telling him to be quiet. He could’ve stopped crying out after the 2nd or 3rd try; but he didn’t—because of his desperation he persisted.

This kind of desperation requires humility and hunger. It sounds like “I don’t know, but I’m trusting Jesus; calling out to Him and I will continue to cry out because I know He hears.” It requires you to lay down your pride, your efforts, and depend completely on God.

It’s ok to admit that you’re scared.
It’s ok to say that you don’t understand.
It’s ok to confess that you don’t know the next step.
It’s ok if you feel like you’re still finding your way—we all are.
It’s ok to cry, “Lord, I want to see.”

Instead of walking away and distracting yourself from your need – let Him fill it. Let your need bring you to your knees and to His feet. Don’t run to a quick-fix—go to Him.

 

Just as desperately as you want to see;

He desperately wants to open your eyes.

 

 

“I once was lost but now I’m found.
Was blind but now I see.”

“Open up my eyes to the things unseen;
Show me how to love like You have loved me.”

Cultivate.

We live in a world full of quick fixes & immediate satisfaction-we’re told: “anything you want; you deserve to have.”  We want to see the beautiful end product, the happy ending, the conclusion & the destination. But the fact is that God created life to be a process: a journey. 

While thinking about the sometime seemingly slow process of life; the word “cultivate” has come up frequently in this new year and it’s been a reminder to trust that no test, trial, or season is ever wasted. So I looked up the meaning of the word cultivate…

  • to foster the growth of
  • to grow/care for
  • to raise/assist

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” -Psalm 37:3 [NASB]

What a beautiful picture of what Jesus is doing in our lives. Just as a farmer is patient, intentional, diligent & hard-working in cultivating his fragile and vulnerable crops; Jesus is doing the same in our hearts. The farmer knows what he is doing—he has a goal & purpose in mind and also has the tools, knowledge, and resources needed to fulfill those plans.

“For we are God’s fellow workers [His servants working together]; you are God’s cultivated field [His garden, His vineyard], God’s building.” – 1 Cor. 3:9 [AMP]

A farmer knows where he will plant, what seeds he will place there and why, he waters, weeds, persistently protects, nourishes and patiently waits. He gently cares and does everything in his power to make his crops fruitful—even if that means pruning and doing what temporarily hurts.

“For, behold, I am for you, and I will turn to you [in favor], and you shall be cultivated and sown.” Ezekiel 36:9

The growing process is hard, long, & anything but glamorous…but what it produces in you is more than your heart could ever imagine. As you trust the One who sees the end from the beginning He grows and strengthens your faith in Him. Trust Him when He plants seeds and pulls weeds. Trust Him when He prunes and waters.  Trust Him when He picks and replants.  What He has purposed He will accomplish; He will always complete what He has started. His word will not return to Him void.

It is a process and in our own strength we are helpless to wait because everything in our human mind and reasoning wants to take control.  Long-suffering is something that only the Spirit of God can produce in us.

“Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in.” Gal. 6:9

Don’t deceive yourself to believe that this fast paced, never stopping, comfortable life portrayed and idolized by society is how it was meant to be…that we’re living the dream when we’re living for ourselves: chasing our own passions, pursuits and ambitions. I pray we would desperately long to love God’s desires more than our own & that we would follow after His heart and run from of our own. How much the enemy of our souls would love for us to believe that we’re pursuing what really matters as we chase after what the world values: only to come to the end of our lives and find that the rat-race lead to destruction.

“If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it. What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet loses or forfeits his very self?”  – Luke 9:23-25

I want to spend my life chasing what matters. 

Trust that He is sovereign, constant, faithful & trustworthy. He is working, cultivating, strengthening, and growing—in the small, simple, routine things that go unappreciated and unseen He sees and He cares. Every chore, kind word, prayer, hurt, & tear: He knows. There are many ordinary tasks in a day; but not one of them is without purpose when done in worship, to glorify Jesus. God is always using the mundane in our lives to accomplish something greater in us.  He is bringing it all together to work the extraordinary. One day you’ll look back and see that when you thought He’d forgotten He was there; holding you thru it all.

 

Don’t lose sight of today’s purpose: remember that He is cultivating you.

 

 

“In the soil, I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”

– “New Wine” by Hillsong

my greatest example…

Do you know that look of deep, soul satisfaction and enjoyment on someone’s face when they are around those they cherish & love?  That is the look my mom has when she is around her family.  And it astounds me: the way she loves us.  Everyday she chooses love: while there are hundreds of other things people would say are worthy of her devotion and commitment—she chooses her family. The love my mom has shown and continues to show me is one of the clearest representations of God’s Love for His children.  I truly will never fully comprehend the unwavering, uncompromising, unchanging, or unconditional love that my mom holds in her heart.  It’s a love I am underserving of & never could repay, but will always be in awe of. 

To watch the way my mom has always loved and supported my dad is incredible.  If you have a deadline or goal, my mom is the one person you want in your corner. She is the best encourager and helper.  My parents tell me stories from before they were parents…how, when they first got married my dad was completing his Bachelors degree and working full-time and my mom was right there with him; supporting him and never complaining. For being newlyweds, their life was not care-free in the slightest: they were living in a small New York apartment but they were together and worked through it as a team.  No matter what stress or outside demand was pressing in on their lives they didn’t let it pull them apart; rather, whenever my parents faced a trying time it always brought them closer together and strengthened their bond; and they still show me that example today.

When you see her today you would never guess all that she’s walked through and she never tires of recalling God’s grace in her life.  Her heart and life are a miracle.

My mom’s patience astounds me.  Growing-up, I think she demonstrated the most long-suffering towards us when it came to school and homework. She always had the most calm & kind demeanor while explaining math problems, history lessons, and spelling rules.  She always worked so hard to make sure that she was explaining these concepts in a way that we could understand and comprehend.  She could explain and demonstrate a single problem or idea numerous ways until she saw the light go off in our eyes and could be confident that we understood.  No matter how long it took; she persisted and never gave up on us. 

My mom’s dedication inspires me. She is always the first one to encourage when I want to give up and she leads by example.  When my mom commits to something she gives it her all.  There’s never ever half-stepping; especially when it comes to her family: from themed birthday parties & vacations; to sewing projects, dinners (which are hands-down the best evvvaahh), and field trips: she plans, prepares, and pours her heart and soul into the details so those she loves never has to question her love.  I admire her work-ethic so much.  It doesn’t matter if it seems insignificant or small in someone else’s mind; she will always work until it is complete and done excellently.

She is safe. Her heart is trustworthy, nurturing, and full of wisdom.  Caring for others comes as naturally as breathing. Her love can be seen in the million ways she demonstrates it each and every day and it astounds me because I don’t deserve it; she simply loves me because I am hers.

She has sacrificed so much to be with us.  To teach, homeschool, and simply be together.  But she never speaks of what she left to become a stay-at-home mom or talk about it as if it was a burden—she always speaks of what she gained through being with us and pouring into our lives.

She didn’t seek her value in what the world deems ‘worthy’ or praiseworthy.  As I grow up I’m saddened because I see that when I was younger I didn’t understand a lot.  I couldn’t see what she had chosen to give up.  I took a lot for granted.  I’ll never fully comprehend all she has sacrificed for me but the lessons she has taught me through her life will always be etched in my heart and memory.  Her example of how she walks in what the Lord has called her to with joy & open-hands is something I’ll always remember and the legacy she has left behind. She is the greatest example of a mother and wife and I could never thank her enough for that.

Mom,

I will forever be amazed that I get to call you mine.

Happy Mother’s Day.        ♥️

“If not, He is still good.”

“If not, He is still good.”

Those are not words you utter once and go on the rest of your life believing with determined, unwavering resolve.  No, those are words that must rise as your soul’s song each and everyday—no matter what you are facing—even if it’s not what you expected. Through the years, that quote has been an anthem in my heart.  There have been seasons where it has been easier to accept, trust and rejoice in those words: knowing His goodness with full assurance.  And there have also been seasons where I have struggled to believe them: days (weeks…years…) when I doubt and wrestle to declare His goodness through the tears and hurt.

But through it all He is still good and His goodness is not determined by my circumstances; even if it doesn’t feel good     …      He is still good.

The enemy and my flesh lie: causing me to doubt God’s character. Maybe you can relate, in my head it sounds like this: “How could He be good if _____ happened?”  “How could He be faithful if I feel alone?”  “I know I’m supposed to wait…but it’s in my power to get it and I’d rather have it now.”  “How could He be good if I don’t have ______?”

“God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.” — Charles Spurgeon

There have been times where I have looked at God’s commands and purpose and have believed them to be burdensome, boring, irrational, and only in place to keep me from “enjoying life”.  I know in my head that God’s plan is “good” but there have been times that I, honestly, have not desired it because I believed it wouldn’t be as fulfilling, abundant, or joy-filled as my own.  That is a lie and is the voice of my own pride and self-righteousness. Those belief’s have come from a misunderstanding and lack of knowledge of who God is and when I begin to have those thoughts I must remind myself of God’s word and ask Him to correct my view of Him so I can see Him more clearly and trust Him more deeply.  My Father, who created me, the world, and everything in it, knows how to give good & perfect gifts: in His time and in His way.  Don’t you think the One who created you and the gift would know when and how to give it? I know it is hard and will cost you follow God’s Words & walk the narrow way, but distrust of God’s plan is ultimately distrust of God Himself.  “If you who are evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11

“Even if You don’t,
my hope is You alone.”

Here are some lessons God has taught me along the way about His goodness, purpose & trusting Him with the unknown:

  1. Taking your eyes off of others — your journey is not theirs. Your family, life circumstances, and future is unique and unlike any other — God designed it that way with a purpose; it is not an accident! So do not be discouraged when others seem to be getting what you desire.  Embrace the journey God has designed specifically for you and rejoice in it—rejoice that your Heavenly Father writes no two stories the same!
  2. Fix Your eyes on Jesus and set your mind on His heavenly purpose.   “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” (2 Corinthians 4:7-9)  I know that it doesn’t seem like it in the moment: when you’re alone, faced with a devastating diagnosis, buried under piles of work and a busy schedule, trying to reconcile the loss of a loved one while learning how to live again…I am reminded of Job’s words: “the Lord has given and the Lord has taken away” there will be times in life when those words feel harder to speak than ever; but through God’s grace and strength it is possible to face whatever is attempting to crush you and worship Him in the midst of the storm. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 says: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, yet our inner self is being renewed day by day. For our light and temporary affliction is producing for us an eternal glory that far outweighs our troubles. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal”
  3. Cherish the season you are currently in. We tend to glamorize and daydream about every season in life except the one we are currently in.  We think “how much better it will be” and set unattainable expectations; but the truth is that there are difficult parts in every season and where you are right now is full of purpose: it is necessary and preparing you for what God has for you to walk through next.  Do not wish every season of life away — rather be grateful: assured that God is teaching you lessons right now that you couldn’t learn any other way. “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

 

I pray, no matter where you are in life, that you would be able to embrace God’s plan and purpose for you—it’s not easy but He is trustworthy and you can rest assured that He is who He says He is.  I pray you would be able to rejoice, celebrate and cherish Jesus and His words—that you would surrender your plans to Him.  He is good and faithful to do exceedingly more than you could ever hope, imagine, or dream for yourself.

 

Psalm 84:11 —
“The LORD gives grace and glory;
No good thing does He withhold
from those who walk uprightly.”

Deuteronomy  10:20-21 —
“Fear the Lord your God and serve Him
Hold fast to Him.
He is your praise.”

Deuteronomy 26:11  —
“REJOICE in all the good things
the Lord your God has given to you.”