the lovely unexpected

expectations

There’s a line I’ve heard in many contemporary worship songs that, in one way or another, repeats a phrase like:

“You’ve never failed me yet”
“You’ll never let me down”
“He’ll never fail me”
“You hold nothing back from me”

Are you familiar with that line??

And, while I believe wholeheartedly that those words are true, there have been times when I have questioned God’s purpose amidst suffering, have felt like He is withholding something, or have struggled to trust His timing. Times when I have asked: “God, where are You? What could You possibly be accomplishing through this?! You can change this, but why is nothing changing?!”

And in those times, when I hear a line like: “You’ve never failed me!” I feel myself cringe because in the moment my mind is telling me that God has failed because He’s not doing what I expected or asked Him to.

In those times I face the realization that God does not move or work according to my expectations. How could I expect Him to act to fulfill my expectations when His knowledge and understanding is so far above mine and His ways and His thoughts surpass mine? (Isaiah 55:8-9) My expectations are short-sighted but my God sees eternally: from the beginning to the end – so I can either allow my circumstance to create doubt, anxiety, and fear or I can view it as an opportunity to trust God’s plan to a greater degree, even when it doesn’t look how I had anticipated.

Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to my mind: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE WILL direct your path.”

When God isn’t answering the prayer like you had asked, when your circumstance grows worse, when the timeline of your life is not playing out like you’d hoped, when you lose someone close to you when you wanted them to stay, or when you find yourself wrestling with God’s purpose; we are faced with a choice: to walk in doubt or glorify Him amidst the uncertainty: knowing that HE is still on His throne and is in control. What comes as a surprise to me is not a surprise to Him. He already knew what was ahead, He is walking with me, and He was preparing me for this even before I knew I would be here.

When I think of unmet expectations I think of the story of Lazarus:
Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha, ask Jesus to come because their brother is very sick, near death. Instead of leaving immediately, Jesus stays where He is for 2 more days. By the time Jesus arrives, Lazarus has been in the tomb for 4 days and Mary and Martha both make this statement: “Lord, if You had been here, our brother would not have died.” (John 11:32)

Oh I can relate to that — the feeling of abandonment and questioning Jesus’ presence because He didn’t come like I’d asked and didn’t prevent what I knew He could. “Lord, how could You allow this loss? If only…..” Our hearts are prone to ask these questions. But verse 5 of chapter 11 gives me great hope, it says: “now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.” I love that the Holy Spirit wrote that in the beginning of the chapter because we could look at Jesus’ actions and label them as negligent or unloving — but Jesus wanted to erase any doubt in our minds that His delay was due to a lack of compassion. Because HE LOVED LAZARUS AND HIS SISTERS. The purpose of His delay was so He could increase their faith and work a greater miracle.

This story shows me that when Jesus isn’t showing up how we’d asked or anticipated His love for us has not changed and He is still in control. I can trust Him because He. never. fails.

I don’t know why the unthinkable happens when we’ve prayed over and over to be spared. But in the middle of the “not knowing” there is a lot of truth that God’s Word assures us of — Jesus does not forsake us for one moment in the middle of our suffering. If God allowed His very own Son to endure the most brutal and gruesome death (and that was His perfect plan for redemption and salvation!) then I cannot expect to avoid suffering. Jesus’ suffering reminds me that death is not the end and in God’s kingdom sometimes the most miraculous moments are coming to pass when it seems most dark and hopeless. Our pain is never wasted, He is accomplishing His perfect will in and thru us even when it comes about in a way we didn’t anticipate. My God has NEVER failed and He accomplishes everything He intends and purposes —

It is my prayer that I would more quickly move from the place of confusion and doubt, to a place of praise and worship, able to sing: “HE WILL NEVER FAIL!” even when I cannot make sense of my surroundings. I can trust that His purposes are better than anything I could ask, think, or imagine – and I can sing before I know the outcome, because I know that He will be there walking with me through whatever the future holds.

“Oh, call — call upon the Name
Jesus Christ — the only Name that saves

For there is no one like our God
There’s no one like our God
There’s nothing that can stand against You
There’s no stronghold You can’t break
No life that You can’t save

Our God You never fail
Strong through every trial
Faithful through the night
Our God will never fail

Anchor through the flood
You keep holding on
I know You’ll never fail
Jesus You’ll never fail”

“Let those who suffer
according to God’s will
entrust their souls to a faithful Creator
while doing good”
– 1 Peter 4:19

“The counsel of the Lord stands forever,
the plans of His heart to all generations”
– Psalm 33:11

reach out.

I’ve always loved the story of Jesus healing the woman who had the issue of blood. She went to Jesus in faith, touched the hem of His garment, and He heals her.

In April 2019 I wrote about this story; how Jesus will never overlook you. As I read this story again recently, something new stood out to me . . . for so long I had focused on the healing in this story and the beautiful words spoken by Jesus:

“Daughter, be of good cheer;
your faith has made you well.
Go in peace.”

but the other day, as I pondered what it must’ve been like to walk in this woman’s shoes — living with this issue for 12 years — I cannot imagine how hopeless, empty, and desperate she must’ve felt. Verse 34 of Luke 12 says that she “had spent all her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any . . .”

While there was physical pain & discomfort she walked through, it also had a financial impact on her life: she had tried everything and came up empty every time.

Her situation must’ve also had an overwhelming impact on her life emotionally as well. Pain often leaves us feeling alone, misunderstood, frustrated and guarded. As pain lingers and we long for healing, it can cause us to question or doubt God’s purpose.

This woman had been discarded over and over by doctors whom she had trusted. She was broke and had no answers.
The idea of being in a multitude of people must’ve terrified her.
The thought of touching Jesus was probably so scary, that she resolved to simply touch His robe.

I know what it feels like to wait, to hope, and to want to give up hoping.
But for 12 years?! I have not waited for anything that long.

I see myself in this woman though and I wonder how many emotions we share in common, even though our stories are very different . . . I’ve walked through things that have caused me to change my view of people. I am guilty of projecting my past experiences onto people who do not deserve it. I’ve pushed people away because I’ve been too afraid. I’ve allowed uncertainty to paralyze me. I’ve allowed pain to make me cynical and selfish.

But, when I hold onto the past, instead of reaching out in faith, I am hindering what God wants to heal in my heart, accomplish my life, and how He wants to help others.

You cannot reach your hand out in faith while holding onto the past.
You must choose one or the other.

The realist in me says: “But you have to learn from the past! Don’t make the same mistakes! Keep yourself guarded, it’s best.” Moving forward, opening up, & trusting God while learning from the past is a hard line to walk . . . I’m still trying to navigate how to discern the difference there.

But, if this story teaches me anything, it’s that — no matter how long you’ve waited for healing or no matter how long you’ve been hurting, He has not forgotten you and it’s never too late to reach out to Him.

While the pain of the past may not change, Jesus can heal your heart & write a beautiful story out of what you deemed irredeemable.

While I wish I could say when your season of waiting will end or when the pain will be healed, I cannot. But I do know that Jesus promises that there is a day of healing coming, if not this side of eternity, we know that there is a day when we will be in Jesus’ presence and He will wipe away every tear. Maybe one day it will make sense and we will see how He was working in us and forming His glory in us thru the waiting. But in the meantime I remind myself that He never wastes our pain and everything He does is right on time, even when we feel like the timeline was different than what we would’ve chosen.

I pray He gives us the grace to walk through all that today brings — the joy, the pain, and the waiting — that we would seek Him, pushing through any obstacles, and outstretching our arms to Him in faith.

“Now when the woman . . . declared to Him in the presence of all the people the reason she had touched Him & how she was healed immediately.”
– Luke 8:47

the light of the world

“Again Jesus spoke to them, saying,
“I am the light of the world.
Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness,
but will have the light of life.”
– John 8:12

Did you dread the dark as a child?? I did. I hated the dark . . . .

What is it about the dark that we find fearful?? There are layers of answers, but some of them, I believe, is that we often fear what we cannot see and we are scared of what the dark can hide. As a child, the imagination of what COULD be hiding in the dark is what I feared most (no matter how unreasonable it sounded, there could be a monster under the bed, a robber downstairs, or a ghost in the closet. . . you know how it goes)

While I am no longer a little girl afraid of the dark, I still find myself fearful of what I cannot see, what could be hiding, and what could be.

In the light we are able to see what IS, what is NOT, and things can be easily identified. But at night?? We are no longer able to distinguish or discern because the darkness blinds our eyes and distorts our ability to judge.

It is the same spiritually — in the Bible, God speaks to us over and over about the effects of sin, living in this dark world, and the contrast between light and darkness.

Before sin, there was nothing to fear in the darkness, but when sin entered so did spiritual death and blindness. We are born into sin and enter a world that is dark and broken because of sin.

What happens as we grow in this sinful world? We discover that the darkness that we once feared can be used as a cover to hide what we do not want to be known. We become comfortable in the darkness. God says that what is done in darkness is fruitless and that people love the darkness over the light:

“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness,
but rather expose them.”
– Ephesians 5:11

“And this is the condemnation,
that the Light has come into the world,
& men loved darkness rather than light,
because their deeds were evil.”
– John 3:19

When we recognize our spiritual darkness, acknowledge and confess our sin, and accept Jesus’ death as the sacrifice for our sin we are moved from the kingdom of darkness to the kingdom of light. Jesus came, lived a perfect life, died, and rose again so we could be saved from the darkness of sin and death. That good news will never grow old!!!

“He has delivered us from the power of darkness
& conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love”
– Colossians 1:13

“for at one time you were darkness,
but now you are light in the Lord.
Walk as children of light“
– Ephesians 5:11

“The night is far spent, the day is at hand.
Therefore let us cast off the works of darkness,
and let us put on the armor of light.”
– Romans 13:12

To me, one of the most beautiful and comforting names that Jesus calls Himself is: “THE LIGHT OF THE WORLD” (John 9:5 & 18:12)

That means there is nothing to fear in Jesus.

“The Lord is my helper; I will not fear…” Hebrews 13:6

He has nothing to hide.

“He [Jesus] is the image of the invisible God” Colossians 1:15
“Anyone who has seen Me [Jesus] has seen the Father.” John 14:9

He can be fully trusted.

“God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:5
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” Proverbs 3:5

While there are things that I may never understand because His ways and thoughts are higher (Isaiah 55:8-9), I know that I can trust Him because He sees what I cannot and He knows what I do not know.

The Bible says that we walk by FAITH and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7) — so we cannot be dependent on our eyes or reasoning to determine where the Lord is guiding and leading. We must depend on Him, follow Him, and trust Him by faith.

Even while all around us is darkness, and we may not be able see where the next step will lead, we do not have to stumble in the darkness, full of fear, because He is the light.

I do not have to know the way,
because I’m following THE ONE who DOES.

When a child is fearful, the one thing that can immediately dispel any worry is the presence of a parent, grandparent, or someone trusted. The security of having someone by their side, protecting them, and comforting them far outweighs what was previously causing fear, even if the darkness doesn’t change. Jesus is with you and He has promised to never leave or forsake you. (Hebrews 13:5)

He is our light in this dark world.
He is the One we can trust when we can’t see the way.
He is the One we can follow because He knows the way.
He is the One who will walk with you through the dark.

Let Him dispel your fear with His marvelous light.

“You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation,
God’s own people, in order that you may proclaim the mighty acts
of Him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light”
– 1 Peter 2:9

“The light shines in the darkness,
and the darkness has not overcome it.”
– 1 John 1:5

“For you are all children of light, children of the day.
We are not of the night or of the darkness.”
– 1 Thessalonians 5:5

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,
coming down from the Father of lights,
with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”
– James 1:7

“I have come as a light into the world,
that whoever believes in Me should not abide in darkness.”
John 12:46

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light.
And God saw that the light was good,
– Genesis 1:3

bullet • journaling

This year I started bullet journaling! Prior to 2018 I had never stayed consistent with using a paper planner, although I had tried — I would start the year organized and ready to go with the best of intentions but by April or May all the momentum would be gone. That was until I got my Passion Planner in 2018 and actually used it the whole year! Now, I don’t think I’ll ever go back!

So, from 2018-2020 I used the Passion Planner and in 2021 I thought it was time for the start of something new *HSM song break; if you know, you know.* There were things about the Passion Planner I didn’t like and after hearing about bullet journaling over the years I decided to give it a go!

What I’ve enjoyed most about bullet journaling is that it gives you the flexibility and freedom to create your own layout and only use what you find most helpful! Using a paper planner has helped me be a better steward of my time, prioritize tasks, stay organized, track and start new habits, and be more aware of how I spend my time.

On insta I took a poll and asked if people were interested in learning more and I got a lot of “yes-es” so I figured I would share more about it here — what has worked for me and the resources that have helped me!

SO . . . Here’s what I’ve learned since starting my bullet journal!!

First, let’s get into what supplies I’m loving!

— SUPPLIES —

• a journal – I’m using the 6×8 inch dot journal – I found it at Barnes & Noble and love the compact size! You also can find similar journals at Michaels for around $6.99!
• pens – my favorite pens right now are the ZEBRA gel pens; they literally write sssoooo smooth and effortlessly. MICRON pens sizes 05 and 08 are also great for writing headings and bolder fonts.
• a ruler – for keepin’ those lines straight!
• white out / correction tape – this one is my favorite

Secondly, before I started my journal, I watched a lot of videos on other’s bullet journal set ups which helped give me an idea for what is possible, what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. I’ve linked those videos at the bottom of this post.

Now, here’s a look inside my bullet journal and the spreads I’m currently using!

— Key & Grid Spacing Pages —

In the picture above you can see my key and the symbols I’ve incorporated in my bullet journal. What makes the method of bullet journaling unique is how it uses symbols to identify, organize, and move tasks and events. The “key” is where you identify what each symbol stands for. You can find all the details about the bullet journaling method HERE.

With that, let me preface by saying that I do not follow the “official rules” of bullet journaling. I’ve simply chosen the symbols that work best for me that are easiest to incorporate in my day-to-day planning.

I suggest finding what works for you and don’t feel overwhelmed! Just keep it simple and utilize what will benefit you most!

— Year Spread —

The picture above shows my year spread where I can see all the months at a glance. It is great for referencing and is where I add holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or events that will happen in the future.

On the pages after this I have 3 spreads *not shown* called: “Places I want to Travel,” “Books I want to Read,” and “Goals I Have this Year” . . . I’ve also seen people divide their “year goals” into subcategories like Health, Growth/Relationships, Financial, and Business/Work, which I think is a great idea!

Another layout that is VERY helpful to have is a grid-spacing spread which makes it easy to divide your page into half, thirds, and fourths without having to count the spaces each time. This video explains grid-spacing better than I ever could . . . 🙂

— Monthly Spread —

Next, let’s look at the month spread, pictured above! This spread is a great way to get an overview of the month ahead. Below are the categories that I have found most helpful to have each month:

• goals for the month (I like to look back at my goals for the year and break them into smaller, more realistic/attainable goals. That way, each month I am working towards my big “year goals.”)
• book to read (my goal is to read 1 book a month, so I put the title of the book I’m reading here)
• habits to track (examples – water intake, movement/exercise, taking vitamins, reading, practicing guitar, journaling, etc – really just anything you want to be more consistent at and track your progress!)
• savings & budgeting (where I track financial goals for saving & budgeting)
• birthdays (birthdays occurring that month!)
• notes (here I add any additional miscellaneous notes like errands I’ll need to run, bills I’ll need to pay, or things like car maintenance, etc)

Like I said, I’m a beginner so this is likely to change, but that’s what I’ve found most useful so far!

— Weekly Spread —

Finally, here is the weekly spread! This is the spread I utilize and reference most during the week. Each day and date is labeled and I use the top half of the page to write my tasks for the day. This is also where I use the “key” to identify each task. Whether it’s personal, work related, errands, a birthday, a holiday, or simply something I don’t want to forget, I write that on top.

Then, on the bottom half of the page, I have 14 lines labeled from 8am to 9pm. This is where I schedule appointments, meetings, and commitments that have a specific time associated with them.

Below is an example of what my week may look like at the end, when it’s filled out (they’ve been made blurry on purpose).

— VIDEOS —

Lastly, there are so many videos on the numerous ways you can bullet journal and different spreads you can use. It’s fun finding what will work best for you and having the flexibility to change as you go!

Here are a couple videos of others sharing about their bullet journals that I’ve found helpful:

• simple & minimal style bullet journal – Pick Up Limes *she inspired the way I do my weekly layout*
• Bullet journal planner – AmandaRachLee
• Minimalist Bullet Journal Planner set up – Ashlynne Eaton

One of the biggest things to remind yourself, especially when starting, is that SIMPLE is best! Don’t feel like you have to implement everything. Start small and grow from there.

I hope you found this post helpful no matter where you are in the process!

Happy journaling!

“Let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good”– 1 Peter 4:19“The counsel of the Lord stands forever, the plans of His heart to all generations” – Psalm 33:11