Bre – Page 14 – the lovely unexpected

A Better Choice.

May my meditation be pleasing to Him, as I rejoice in the Lord.  Psalm 104:34

I remember when Jesus was a checklist: a row of boxes I believed I had to check to avoid consequences and keep from “getting in trouble.” I knew how to do things, but I was exhausted. I could hide it from others but I knew that I had no love or joy in my heart. I couldn’t escape the shallow emptiness & everything I did flowed from a dry, withering heart that was trying to disguise it’s thirst.

In all my fleshly might I was trying to do the right things so God would be pleased but I was missing His heart and I didn’t realize that He had so much better for me. I was settling for guilt and religion while all along He stood there; offering me Himself: standing with arms open, hands and heart full of grace and forgiveness . I thought I could earn my way to a close, fruitful relationship with Him and I failed to realize that He right there: standing right next to me the whole time. I think about how much that must’ve broken His heart. To see me thinking I could earn what He died to freely give.

Thru that season God showed me that my actions were a result of a poor understanding and misconception of who He truly is. Like Paul said; the pursuit and call of our lives is “that I may know Him…” (Phil 3:10) As we rest and rejoice in who He is everything else becomes an outpouring: a response and expression of our gratitude. No longer a box to check.

That season taught me so much. It also serves as a reference so that when I find myself falling into old patterns, working out of my own strength or with insincere motives I am reminded that Jesus has so much better:

I was not made to work; I was made to abide.

I was not made to strive; I was created to rest.

I was not made to earn; I was designed to worship.

As we rest and rejoice in Jesus we find ourselves pushing onward (Phil 3:12) & running forward towards Him (1 Cor 9:24)—because He is our exceedingly great reward (Gen 15:1).

Choose Him; the One who can never be taken from you.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.” Colossians 3:16

“Lord, I want to see.”

I recently read the petition of the blind man in Luke 18:41 and found my heart crying the same prayer:

“Lord, I want to see.”

He pleads in humility, with unwavering resolve, and brings his desire before Jesus: “I want to see.”

This blind man teaches me that my prayers don’t have to be long or eloquent. I don’t have to talk around the problem, trying to cover up my need, or act like everything is ok. I can go to Jesus; fully trusting that He will meet me where I am and He’s not afraid of my honesty.

No matter what darkness you are facing: Jesus, the Light of the World, is there to meet you. Maybe He won’t take the darkness away—but He’ll be the light and give you eyes to see Him amidst the dark.

His prayer also convicted me. In seasons of questioning or confusion I have prayed a similar prayer: “Lord, open my eyes! I want to see! I want to understand! I want clarity, I need Your guidance and direction. I am helpless; I need You!” And Jesus has answered by opening my eyes, convicting my heart and revealing something I hadn’t seen before. But I have often been quick to turn and fix my eyes on something else—because I’d rather not acknowledge my weakness or admit my need because I don’t want to do what is required to change. So I choose distraction: there are a million things vying for our attention & it’s so easy to habitually turn to what’s designed to mindlessly entertain, dull the pain, or unsuccessfully satisfy us.

Life is messy, it hurts, it gets uncomfortable, and its easy to think that it would be better to act like it’s all ok; to keep our eyes closed and never have to face the reality of our desperation.

Because honestly: seeing hurts. I’m sure this man stood in wonder and awe as he saw God’s creation for the first time—but I’m sure his heart also broke when he saw pain and injustice that he had only heard or felt before.

But his life was changed forever because of Jesus. I imagine how many times he must’ve shared his story, with tears in his eyes, clouding his vision, proclaiming the goodness of how Jesus answered him. He probably never grew tired of telling his miracle.

Jesus is not ashamed, embarrassed, or turned away by your need—He does not look away in an attempt to keep from making eye contact. He sees. He wants to meet you in your longing. But more than that: He wants to heal, change, and restore you.

This blind man could’ve chosen to keep silent. He could’ve allowed every doubt and fear to keep him quiet. He could’ve listened to the people telling him to be quiet. He could’ve stopped crying out after the 2nd or 3rd try; but he didn’t—because of his desperation he persisted.

This kind of desperation requires humility and hunger. It sounds like “I don’t know, but I’m trusting Jesus; calling out to Him and I will continue to cry out because I know He hears.” It requires you to lay down your pride, your efforts, and depend completely on God.

It’s ok to admit that you’re scared.
It’s ok to say that you don’t understand.
It’s ok to confess that you don’t know the next step.
It’s ok if you feel like you’re still finding your way—we all are.
It’s ok to cry, “Lord, I want to see.”

Instead of walking away and distracting yourself from your need – let Him fill it. Let your need bring you to your knees and to His feet. Don’t run to a quick-fix—go to Him.

Just as desperately as you want to see;

He desperately wants to open your eyes.

“I once was lost but now I’m found.
Was blind but now I see.”

“Open up my eyes to the things unseen;
Show me how to love like You have loved me.”

Cultivate.

We live in a world full of quick fixes & immediate satisfaction-we’re told: “anything you want; you deserve to have.” We want to see the beautiful end product, the happy ending, the conclusion & the destination. But the fact is that God created life to be a process: a journey.

While thinking about the sometime seemingly slow process of life; the word “cultivate” has come up frequently in this new year and it’s been a reminder to trust that no test, trial, or season is ever wasted. So I looked up the meaning of the word cultivate…

to foster the growth of
to grow/care for
to raise/assist

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” -Psalm 37:3 [NASB]

What a beautiful picture of what Jesus is doing in our lives. Just as a farmer is patient, intentional, diligent & hard-working in cultivating his fragile and vulnerable crops; Jesus is doing the same in our hearts. The farmer knows what he is doing—he has a goal & purpose in mind and also has the tools, knowledge, and resources needed to fulfill those plans.

“For we are God’s fellow workers [His servants working together]; you are God’s cultivated field [His garden, His vineyard], God’s building.” – 1 Cor. 3:9 [AMP]

A farmer knows where he will plant, what seeds he will place there and why, he waters, weeds, persistently protects, nourishes and patiently waits. He gently cares and does everything in his power to make his crops fruitful—even if that means pruning and doing what temporarily hurts.

“For, behold, I am for you, and I will turn to you [in favor], and you shall be cultivated and sown.” Ezekiel 36:9

The growing process is hard, long, & anything but glamorous…but what it produces in you is more than your heart could ever imagine. As you trust the One who sees the end from the beginning He grows and strengthens your faith in Him. Trust Him when He plants seeds and pulls weeds. Trust Him when He prunes and waters. Trust Him when He picks and replants. What He has purposed He will accomplish; He will always complete what He has started. His word will not return to Him void.

It is a process and in our own strength we are helpless to wait because everything in our human mind and reasoning wants to take control. Long-suffering is something that only the Spirit of God can produce in us.

“Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in.” Gal. 6:9

Don’t deceive yourself to believe that this fast paced, never stopping, comfortable life portrayed and idolized by society is how it was meant to be…that we’re living the dream when we’re living for ourselves: chasing our own passions, pursuits and ambitions. I pray we would desperately long to love God’s desires more than our own & that we would follow after His heart and run from of our own. How much the enemy of our souls would love for us to believe that we’re pursuing what really matters as we chase after what the world values: only to come to the end of our lives and find that the rat-race lead to destruction.

“If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it. What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet loses or forfeits his very self?” – Luke 9:23-25

I want to spend my life chasing what matters.

Trust that He is sovereign, constant, faithful & trustworthy. He is working, cultivating, strengthening, and growing—in the small, simple, routine things that go unappreciated and unseen He sees and He cares. Every chore, kind word, prayer, hurt, & tear: He knows. There are many ordinary tasks in a day; but not one of them is without purpose when done in worship, to glorify Jesus. God is always using the mundane in our lives to accomplish something greater in us. He is bringing it all together to work the extraordinary. One day you’ll look back and see that when you thought He’d forgotten He was there; holding you thru it all.

Don’t lose sight of today’s purpose: remember that He is cultivating you.

“In the soil, I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”

– “New Wine” by Hillsong

my greatest example…

Do you know that look of deep, soul satisfaction and enjoyment on someone’s face when they are around those they cherish & love? That is the look my mom has when she is around her family. And it astounds me: the way she loves us. Everyday she chooses love: while there are hundreds of other things people would say are worthy of her devotion and commitment—she chooses her family. The love my mom has shown and continues to show me is one of the clearest representations of God’s Love for His children. I truly will never fully comprehend the unwavering, uncompromising, unchanging, or unconditional love that my mom holds in her heart. It’s a love I am underserving of & never could repay, but will always be in awe of.

To watch the way my mom has always loved and supported my dad is incredible. If you have a deadline or goal, my mom is the one person you want in your corner. She is the best encourager and helper. My parents tell me stories from before they were parents…how, when they first got married my dad was completing his Bachelors degree and working full-time and my mom was right there with him; supporting him and never complaining. For being newlyweds, their life was not care-free in the slightest: they were living in a small New York apartment but they were together and worked through it as a team. No matter what stress or outside demand was pressing in on their lives they didn’t let it pull them apart; rather, whenever my parents faced a trying time it always brought them closer together and strengthened their bond; and they still show me that example today.

When you see her today you would never guess all that she’s walked through and she never tires of recalling God’s grace in her life. Her heart and life are a miracle.

My mom’s patience astounds me. Growing-up, I think she demonstrated the most long-suffering towards us when it came to school and homework. She always had the most calm & kind demeanor while explaining math problems, history lessons, and spelling rules. She always worked so hard to make sure that she was explaining these concepts in a way that we could understand and comprehend. She could explain and demonstrate a single problem or idea numerous ways until she saw the light go off in our eyes and could be confident that we understood. No matter how long it took; she persisted and never gave up on us.

My mom’s dedication inspires me. She is always the first one to encourage when I want to give up and she leads by example. When my mom commits to something she gives it her all. There’s never ever half-stepping; especially when it comes to her family: from themed birthday parties & vacations; to sewing projects, dinners (which are hands-down the best evvvaahh), and field trips: she plans, prepares, and pours her heart and soul into the details so those she loves never has to question her love. I admire her work-ethic so much. It doesn’t matter if it seems insignificant or small in someone else’s mind; she will always work until it is complete and done excellently.

She is safe. Her heart is trustworthy, nurturing, and full of wisdom. Caring for others comes as naturally as breathing. Her love can be seen in the million ways she demonstrates it each and every day and it astounds me because I don’t deserve it; she simply loves me because I am hers.

She has sacrificed so much to be with us. To teach, homeschool, and simply be together. But she never speaks of what she left to become a stay-at-home mom or talk about it as if it was a burden—she always speaks of what she gained through being with us and pouring into our lives.

She didn’t seek her value in what the world deems ‘worthy’ or praiseworthy. As I grow up I’m saddened because I see that when I was younger I didn’t understand a lot. I couldn’t see what she had chosen to give up. I took a lot for granted. I’ll never fully comprehend all she has sacrificed for me but the lessons she has taught me through her life will always be etched in my heart and memory. Her example of how she walks in what the Lord has called her to with joy & open-hands is something I’ll always remember and the legacy she has left behind. She is the greatest example of a mother and wife and I could never thank her enough for that.

Mom,

I will forever be amazed that I get to call you mine.

Happy Mother’s Day. ♥️