Category: Things I’m learning

o Lord, You know.


It’s been a bit since my last post… I need to get better about that 🙈 but I first wanted to say “thank you“ for being here. thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve written. I pray you feel seen and encouraged in these words. I pray you know that you are not alone and, if you can relate to anything I’ve shared, I am here for you.

This time of year I always start feeling overly sentimental as my birthday and the end of another year approaches…turning a year older and looking back on 365 days always fills me with immense gratitude while also feeling deeply contemplative and somewhat somber (the darkness at 5pm doesn’t help either haha).

I’m grateful for another year: a year filled with new memories, genuine friendships, growth, opportunities, simple moments, and mundane tasks. This year was also full of many contrasts: some of the lowest lows and highest highs.

Throughout the year, this phrase has proven to be true:

the lower the valley,
the higher the mountain.
you cannot experience the mountain top
without first walking thru the valley.

It sounds incredibly cliché, I know, but it felt so true this year. If I had the choice, I would opt out of the valley; only wanting to experience the view at the top of the mountain. But the lowest valleys lead to the highest peaks and you cannot have one without the other. You need the valley to have the mountain top. And, because of the valley, you will have a much deeper appreciation for the mountain peak. Tears have a way of making laughter sweeter… maybe it’s because laughter, contentment, & genuine joy were things you thought you’d never experience again.

“Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” – Luke 6:21b

2022 taught me to hold multiple emotions at once. I think it’s always been that way, but was more extreme this year. Some things I’m learning… that new beginnings bring both sadness and anticipation. When you obey God you will always gain more than you lose. It’s possible to feel unsettled, yet at peace. Hope is worth holding onto, even when letting go seems easier. When you let go of certain dreams, you will also realize new ones. Joy and grief coexist. You can feel frustrated over not being where you want to be, yet grateful that you’re not where you were… Life can feel so complex and so simple at the same time. So much can change, while somehow staying the same.

Recently, as these thoughts have been swirling through my head, I also read Jeremiah chapter 15, and portions from verses 15 thru 16 really stood out me:

“O Lord, You know; remember me & visit me … in Your enduring patience, do not take me away … Your words were found & I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy & rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts.”

I love reading the raw & honest prayers and expressions of people in the Bible. They are an example to me that it’s necessary and important to bare your heart before God. It’s holy ground.

Jeremiah simply says “O Lord, You know.”
Oh how I relate to those words.
Sometimes that’s all I’ve been able to say.
All I’ve had the energy to say.

Sometimes those are the only words we can utter. When we can’t put words to what we’re feeling or when unpacking it all feels too overwhelming, “O Lord, You know.” We don’t need to explain it all. He knows. He sees. He cares.

Then Jeremiah pleads: “remember me & visit me.” I can only imagine that he’s saying these words from a place of feeling forgotten and alone. Emotions that can feel all too familiar.

Lastly Jeremiah reminds himself of God’s enduring patience. When we are impatient, confused, and frustrated God’s patience is NEVER ENDING. You will never run out of God’s patience and nothing will ever stop Him from pursuing you. His death on the cross is constant confirmation that He gave everything to prove His love for us and His desire to rescue and redeem us.

When we feel overwhelmed (and maybe slightly overdramatic, like I can be) He doesn’t abandon us, instead He shows us unending & enduring patience. He walks with us and cares for us. We are His and we are called by His name.

“Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God & into the patience of Christ.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:5

I’m thankful that God has recorded the emotions and honest cries of His people.
It means that He hears our honest, raw, aching, muttered prayers too.

As I soak in the last weeks of 2022 I’m realizing that I’ll probably always feel like I’m failing in certain areas and flourishing in others. Part of life is rejoicing that I’m not who I used to be and I’m also not who I want to be. But day by day, by His grace, God is making us more into His image… He is walking with us through the valleys and the mountain tops, day after day and year after year. He is working thru it all to make us more like Him.

So, here’s to walking thru the valleys and the mountains, holding both the failing and the flourishing, and realizing that He uses both to draw us closer to Him. Through His strength and grace, may we glorify Him as we walk through both.

honesty & healing


It’s been a bit since I’ve written on here — it’s mostly because I’ve just been processing, trying to figure out what to say… and what not to. But what keeps coming to my mind is that I don’t have to wait until I have it all together to sit down and write. It’s ok to sit—broken, unsure—and write what I’m learning in the middle.

I like to have things “put together” — I’d prefer to share once I have the testimony from the “other side” with the happy ending, healed heart, and a bow to tie on top. I like having the lesson learned, but it’s hard to share when the lesson comes with pain or when I feel like the happy ending may never come? *okay, I’m being slightly dramatic……but I have felt that*

I’m learning to embrace sharing when I don’t have the pretty conclusion because life is kinda one big in-between: a wrestling between answered prayers and prayers not-yet answered. Holding joy in one hand and pain in the other. Balancing hurt and healing. Keeping a soft heart amidst hard circumstances. It’s living on earth, knowing heaven is my destination.

I know we’ve all been there — when pain makes it hard to believe that brighter days are coming and when it hurts to hope and feels more like heartbreak. Loss makes even sunny days feel dark.

But, if I’m learning anything, it’s that we’re not as alone as we feel or may think. While specific circumstances and details may be different, many can sympathize with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart. It’s so important to be honest with where you’re at, or else you cannot move forward. You can’t see the future if you keep your eyes closed in denial.

You can’t edit out the pain that comes with life. You can’t make it more comfortable, bearable or tolerable. You can’t choose when pain happens…or where, how, or with who. It has a tendency of blindsiding you. So much of it is out of your control and out of your hands.

But here’s the thing: we all want the lessons pain teaches, without experiencing it. Pain is a great teacher: it forces us to be honest, real, and vulnerable. If you allow it, pain causes you to grow and it strengthens you. Pain causes people to pause, give their attention, and listen; because it’s something we all have in common.

When I am broken and hurting I have felt Jesus nearest. He meant it when He told us that HE IS NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED. Psalm 34:18 —

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
& saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

When we bring our hearts to Jesus — raw, broken, crushed, hurting, and humbled — He does something only His gentle hands can do: HE pieces us together.

“Blessed are those who mourn
for you shall be comforted”
– Matthew 5:4

We all know Jesus is a comforter. We want to experience His comfort, but how many of us want to mourn? I know it’s something that I wouldn’t choose voluntarily, but mourning is a qualification for experiencing His comfort. *ouch* Too often I walk around wanting to push the pain aside; keeping my eyes ahead, moving forward, not acknowledging what could make me cry at any minute… I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want to talk about my disappointments, how I’ve been a disappointment to myself and to others. I don’t want to share the cries of my heart that only Jesus hears. I don’t want to go there… because I’m afraid of staying there. But, just like Jesus says, when we mourn: He comforts. It’s promised so I don’t have to be afraid!! There is never a moment I will mourn that I won’t ALSO experience His comfort. I don’t ever have to fear being left alone — because He comes and sits next to me and tells me that He’s gonna carry me thru to the other side and promises to comfort me. For as long as I have to mourn, that’s how long He’ll comfort.

This verses tells us “blessed are those who mourn,” but honestly, I consider myself anything but blessed when I’m mourning… in a day of social media highlights, mourning is not often shared because it makes people uncomfortable; it isn’t pretty or “aesthetic.” But I believe the blessing comes because those who are mourning experience Jesus’ nearness in a way they never would have without the tears. And then you have the blessing of being able to comfort others who are mourning. How good is our heavenly Father that He comforts and blesses us when we feel undesirable, unseen, and unlovable?! And then He teaches us how to do the same.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” – 1 Corinthians 1:3-5

It took me a long time to realize that hurt is frequently unavoidable. I thought I was supposed to avoid hurt with everything in me and, if I was hurt, it was the result of something I did wrong. Because hurt means that you didn’t try hard enough, right? Which, don’t get me wrong, I have been hurt by my own sin and foolish decisions, but what about when you feel like you did all you could and things were going smoothly—until it wasn’t. Until you were blindsided and hurt. That’s the hardest lesson pain teaches—sometimes it’s a chapter in your story and there’s nothing you can do to edit or alter the ending. You can’t revise heartbreak, but it’s also not the end of the story.

Instead of looking at it as an end, you could also view it as a new beginning; an opportunity to heal and grow. Hard things have a way of exposing the places in our hearts that have been neglected and need to be mended. There have been situations where I’ve responded in ways I didn’t expect because my heart was harboring unresolved hurt or trauma I hadn’t healed from and surrendered to Jesus.

You cannot change what happened, but there is something you can do about how it impacts and shapes your future. You have a say in how you heal. You can allow Jesus to put the pieces of your heart back together.

So… here’s to healing and being honest. Here’s to walking thru the pain, uncertainty, and sharing unprocessed, incomplete thoughts while you’re feeling them, instead of waiting till you’re on the other side—because we’re all learning on this journey and none of us has it figured out!

the journey of faith

Have you ever viewed your life in terms of “milestones” or “destinations“??

I used to think about my life like a timeline with markers indicating when I wanted certain events to happen. Have you ever thought the same?? As my life unfolded I quickly found out that things don’t turn out quite as I’d envisioned and I was left thinking “what now?”

About two years ago I was at a crossroads in my life, asking the Lord for wisdom and direction on which way to go. My natural instinct, when placed in a circumstance that involves risk, is to pick the safer, more comfortable option. The weight of walking into something that could end badly (or even good!) is sometimes too great a risk and I’d rather stay on comfortable & familiar ground.

But, when the Lord asks you to step out in faith, His call keeps tugging at your heart and the most important thing you can decide to do is obey, trust, and follow His voice.

So, regarding this particular crossroads, He gave me direction and peace to move forward, but didn’t tell me what the outcome would be. He just told me to take the first step and He would reveal the next step in His timing. So often, I want to know the next 20+ steps and what the destination will be. I want to be able to weigh the risk-to-benefit ratio and determine if it’s worth it.

But that’s not how faith works. . .

Faith is trusting God to lead, guide, and direct your steps – even when you can’t see where it’ll lead. Faith is resting in Jesus because HE knows the outcome, so I don’t have to.

What He has shown me, time and time again, is that He is more concerned with the PROCESS than the destination. When we follow the Lord and things don’t happen as we expected we can feel betrayed, lost, and confused. But it is often in those very situations of loss, sorrow, and pain that our faith grows the most and we learn to depend on Jesus more.

The act of trusting Jesus and walking by faith IS the goal. He desires everything we walk THRU to increase our faith and deepen our walk with Him. So, when my life starts to take on a different trajectory than I had envisioned, I can be expectant and hopeful — because He is in control of the story, not me. For a long-time I simply wanted to check things off the ” life bucket-list” that I had created in my mind, the list with: ☐ graduate college ☐ get my dream job ☐ get married ☐ travel ☐ buy a house ☐ have kids, etc. listed. In my mind I had created that list because I saw that people typically measure “success” by those achievements. So, when I didn’t accomplish those things when I had expected to, I was left feeling like I had failed and was missing out.

But I’ve come to learn that if God were to give us a “bucket-list,” I think it would simply read:

☐ walk by faith

So, no matter the job I have, whether or not I have a college degree, am married, have children, or travel — I can ask myself: “am I walking by faith and trusting God where I am today?” And, if walking by faith does lead to the things I had desired, then Jesus will also use those to mature and deepen my faith! Either way He’s is growing faith in me. My hope is no longer in an outcome and my faith is no longer reliant on getting what I want.

In the same way, when things come into our lives that we never would’ve asked for — heartbreak, unexpected tragedy, loss, betrayal, trials — we have the assurance that God is working amidst the pain to draw us closer to Himself, even if we can’t see it at first, or on this side of eternity; He does not waste our pain.

No matter where in life you find yourself; whether it’s where you wanted to be, or somewhere you never imagined you would be, may we desire God’s will (not our own!) for our lives. When we keep our eyes on Him and follow His leading, even if the situation ends differently than you would’ve hoped, He is glorified.

When the timeline of your life doesn’t follow what you had in mind, you can trust that God is working behind the scenes, writing a story so much better than you could’ve created yourself. And it’ll be so much better than the timeline you had for yourself.

I know it is h-a-r-d to let go of expectations and release certain desires to the Lord but we can rest knowing that He’s a much better Author than we’ll ever be.

It leaves me thinking: in the end, if I check everything off my “bucket-list” but have no faith to show for it, what will I have really accomplished of true value??

“And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?”
-Matthew 16:26 (NLT)

courage & bravery

“wait on the Lord;
be of good courage,
& He shall strengthen your heart;
wait, I say, on the Lord!”

– Psalm 27:14

would you agree that it takes equal amounts of strength and bravery to wait patiently for something as it does to “go and conquer”????

the bravery and courage required to trust in the Lord through seasons of waiting is often underestimated or undervalued.

you never know what prayers those around you are persistently praying.
what battles they are quietly fighting.
what wounds they carry.
what wars they silently wage.
what they wrestle against every morning just to put their feet on the ground.

Exodus 14:14 says: “The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Surrendering our battles (and their outcomes!) to the Lord is frequently the hardest part. The greatest victory comes when we hold our hands up in worship, proclaiming: “Lord! This is Your battle to fight! It’s not mine. I am going to trust You and obey Your command to be still.”

It takes true courage to be still while the battle rages on; a courage that only the Lord can give.

Never underestimate the bravery required to trust, wait, surrender, and be still.
Wait on Him and remain faithful where He has placed you today.

“Watch, 
stand fast in the faith,
be brave, 
be strong.
Let all that you do
be done with love.”

– 1 Corinthians 16:13-14