Category: Things I’m learning

expectations



There’s a line I’ve heard in many contemporary worship songs that, in one way or another, repeats a phrase like:

“You’ve never failed me yet”
“You’ll never let me down”
“He’ll never fail me”
“You hold nothing back from me”

Are you familiar with that line??

And, while I believe wholeheartedly that those words are true, there have been times when I have questioned God’s purpose amidst suffering, have felt like He is withholding something, or have struggled to trust His timing. Times when I have asked: “God, where are You? What could You possibly be accomplishing through this?! You can change this, but why is nothing changing?!”

And in those times, when I hear a line like: “You’ve never failed me!” I feel myself cringe because in the moment my mind is telling me that God has failed because He’s not doing what I expected or asked Him to.

In those times I face the realization that God does not move or work according to my expectations. How could I expect Him to act to fulfill my expectations when His knowledge and understanding is so far above mine and His ways and His thoughts surpass mine? (Isaiah 55:8-9) My expectations are short-sighted but my God sees eternally: from the beginning to the end – so I can either allow my circumstance to create doubt, anxiety, and fear or I can view it as an opportunity to trust God’s plan to a greater degree, even when it doesn’t look how I had anticipated.

Proverbs 3:5-6 comes to my mind: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and HE WILL direct your path.”

When God isn’t answering the prayer like you had asked, when your circumstance grows worse, when the timeline of your life is not playing out like you’d hoped, when you lose someone close to you when you wanted them to stay, or when you find yourself wrestling with God’s purpose; we are faced with a choice: to walk in doubt or glorify Him amidst the uncertainty: knowing that HE is still on His throne and is in control. What comes as a surprise to me is not a surprise to Him. He already knew what was ahead, He is walking with me, and He was preparing me for this even before I knew I would be here.

When I think of unmet expectations I think of the story of Lazarus:
Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha, ask Jesus to come because their brother is very sick, near death. Instead of leaving immediately, Jesus stays where He is for 2 more days. By the time Jesus arrives, Lazarus has been in the tomb for 4 days and Mary and Martha both make this statement: “Lord, if You had been here, our brother would not have died.” (John 11:32)

Oh I can relate to that — the feeling of abandonment and questioning Jesus’ presence because He didn’t come like I’d asked and didn’t prevent what I knew He could. “Lord, how could You allow this loss? If only…..” Our hearts are prone to ask these questions. But verse 5 of chapter 11 gives me great hope, it says: “now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus.” I love that the Holy Spirit wrote that in the beginning of the chapter because we could look at Jesus’ actions and label them as negligent or unloving — but Jesus wanted to erase any doubt in our minds that His delay was due to a lack of compassion. Because HE LOVED LAZARUS AND HIS SISTERS. The purpose of His delay was so He could increase their faith and work a greater miracle.

This story shows me that when Jesus isn’t showing up how we’d asked or anticipated His love for us has not changed and He is still in control. I can trust Him because He. never. fails.

I don’t know why the unthinkable happens when we’ve prayed over and over to be spared. But in the middle of the “not knowing” there is a lot of truth that God’s Word assures us of — Jesus does not forsake us for one moment in the middle of our suffering. If God allowed His very own Son to endure the most brutal and gruesome death (and that was His perfect plan for redemption and salvation!) then I cannot expect to avoid suffering. Jesus’ suffering reminds me that death is not the end and in God’s kingdom sometimes the most miraculous moments are coming to pass when it seems most dark and hopeless. Our pain is never wasted, He is accomplishing His perfect will in and thru us even when it comes about in a way we didn’t anticipate. My God has NEVER failed and He accomplishes everything He intends and purposes — 


It is my prayer that I would more quickly move from the place of confusion and doubt, to a place of praise and worship, able to sing: “HE WILL NEVER FAIL!” even when I cannot make sense of my surroundings. I can trust that His purposes are better than anything I could ask, think, or imagine – and I can sing before I know the outcome, because I know that He will be there walking with me through whatever the future holds.

“Oh, call — call upon the Name
Jesus Christ — the only Name that saves

For there is no one like our God
There’s no one like our God
There’s nothing that can stand against You
There’s no stronghold You can’t break
No life that You can’t save

Our God You never fail
Strong through every trial
Faithful through the night
Our God will never fail

Anchor through the flood
You keep holding on
I know You’ll never fail
Jesus You’ll never fail”




“Let those who suffer
according to God’s will
entrust their souls to a faithful Creator
while doing good”
– 1 Peter 4:19

“The counsel of the Lord stands forever,
the plans of His heart to all generations”
– Psalm 33:11

reach out.

I’ve always loved the story of Jesus healing the woman who had the issue of blood. She went to Jesus in faith, touched the hem of His garment, and He heals her.

In April 2019 I wrote about this story; how Jesus will never overlook you. As I read this story again recently, something new stood out to me . . . for so long I had focused on the healing in this story and the beautiful words spoken by Jesus:

“Daughter, be of good cheer;
your faith has made you well. 
Go in peace.”

but the other day, as I pondered what it must’ve been like to walk in this woman’s shoes — living with this issue for 12 years — I cannot imagine how hopeless, empty, and desperate she must’ve felt. Verse 34 of Luke 12 says that she “had spent all her livelihood on physicians and could not be healed by any . . .”

While there was physical pain & discomfort she walked through, it also had a financial impact on her life: she had tried everything and came up empty every time.

Her situation must’ve also had an overwhelming impact on her life emotionally as well. Pain often leaves us feeling alone, misunderstood, frustrated and guarded. As pain lingers and we long for healing, it can cause us to question or doubt God’s purpose.

This woman had been discarded over and over by doctors whom she had trusted. She was broke and had no answers.
The idea of being in a multitude of people must’ve terrified her.
The thought of touching Jesus was probably so scary, that she resolved to simply touch His robe.

I know what it feels like to wait, to hope, and to want to give up hoping.
But for 12 years?! I have not waited for anything that long.

I see myself in this woman though and I wonder how many emotions we share in common, even though our stories are very different . . . I’ve walked through things that have caused me to change my view of people. I am guilty of projecting my past experiences onto people who do not deserve it. I’ve pushed people away because I’ve been too afraid. I’ve allowed uncertainty to paralyze me. I’ve allowed pain to make me cynical and selfish.

But, when I hold onto the past, instead of reaching out in faith, I am hindering what God wants to heal in my heart, accomplish my life, and how He wants to help others.

You cannot reach your hand out in faith while holding onto the past.
You must choose one or the other.

The realist in me says: “But you have to learn from the past! Don’t make the same mistakes! Keep yourself guarded, it’s best.” Moving forward, opening up, & trusting God while learning from the past is a hard line to walk . . . I’m still trying to navigate how to discern the difference there.

But, if this story teaches me anything, it’s that — no matter how long you’ve waited for healing or no matter how long you’ve been hurting, He has not forgotten you and it’s never too late to reach out to Him.

While the pain of the past may not change, Jesus can heal your heart & write a beautiful story out of what you deemed irredeemable.

While I wish I could say when your season of waiting will end or when the pain will be healed, I cannot. But I do know that Jesus promises that there is a day of healing coming, if not this side of eternity, we know that there is a day when we will be in Jesus’ presence and He will wipe away every tear. Maybe one day it will make sense and we will see how He was working in us and forming His glory in us thru the waiting. But in the meantime I remind myself that He never wastes our pain and everything He does is right on time, even when we feel like the timeline was different than what we would’ve chosen.

I pray He gives us the grace to walk through all that today brings — the joy, the pain, and the waiting — that we would seek Him, pushing through any obstacles, and outstretching our arms to Him in faith.

“Now when the woman . . . declared to Him in the presence of all the people the reason she had touched Him & how she was healed immediately.”
– Luke 8:47

bullet • journaling

my bullet journal!

This year I started bullet journaling! Prior to 2018 I had never stayed consistent with using a paper planner, although I had tried — I would start the year organized and ready to go with the best of intentions but by April or May all the momentum would be gone. That was until I got my Passion Planner in 2018 and actually used it the whole year! Now, I don’t think I’ll ever go back!

So, from 2018-2020 I used the Passion Planner and in 2021 I thought it was time for the start of something new *HSM song break; if you know, you know.* There were things about the Passion Planner I didn’t like and after hearing about bullet journaling over the years I decided to give it a go!

What I’ve enjoyed most about bullet journaling is that it gives you the flexibility and freedom to create your own layout and only use what you find most helpful! Using a paper planner has helped me be a better steward of my time, prioritize tasks, stay organized, track and start new habits, and be more aware of how I spend my time.

On insta I took a poll and asked if people were interested in learning more and I got a lot of “yes-es” so I figured I would share more about it here — what has worked for me and the resources that have helped me!

SO . . . Here’s what I’ve learned since starting my bullet journal!!

First, let’s get into what supplies I’m loving!

— SUPPLIES — 

• a journal – I’m using the 6×8 inch dot journal – I found it at Barnes & Noble and love the compact size! You also can find similar journals at Michaels for around $6.99!
• pens – my favorite pens right now are the ZEBRA gel pens; they literally write sssoooo smooth and effortlessly. MICRON pens sizes 05 and 08 are also great for writing headings and bolder fonts.
• a ruler – for keepin’ those lines straight!
• white out / correction tape – this one is my favorite

Secondly, before I started my journal, I watched a lot of videos on other’s bullet journal set ups which helped give me an idea for what is possible, what I wanted, and what I didn’t want. I’ve linked those videos at the bottom of this post.

Now, here’s a look inside my bullet journal and the spreads I’m currently using!

— Key & Grid Spacing Pages — 

bullet journal – key

In the picture above you can see my key and the symbols I’ve incorporated in my bullet journal. What makes the method of bullet journaling unique is how it uses symbols to identify, organize, and move tasks and events. The “key” is where you identify what each symbol stands for. You can find all the details about the bullet journaling method HERE.

With that, let me preface by saying that I do not follow the “official rules” of bullet journaling. I’ve simply chosen the symbols that work best for me that are easiest to incorporate in my day-to-day planning.

I suggest finding what works for you and don’t feel overwhelmed! Just keep it simple and utilize what will benefit you most!

— Year Spread — 

bullet journal – year spread

The picture above shows my year spread where I can see all the months at a glance. It is great for referencing and is where I add holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or events that will happen in the future.

On the pages after this I have 3 spreads *not shown* called: “Places I want to Travel,” “Books I want to Read,” and “Goals I Have this Year” . . . I’ve also seen people divide their “year goals” into subcategories like Health, Growth/Relationships, Financial, and Business/Work, which I think is a great idea!

Another layout that is VERY helpful to have is a grid-spacing spread which makes it easy to divide your page into half, thirds, and fourths without having to count the spaces each time. This video explains grid-spacing better than I ever could . . . 🙂

— Monthly Spread — 

bullet journal – monthly spread

Next, let’s look at the month spread, pictured above! This spread is a great way to get an overview of the month ahead. Below are the categories that I have found most helpful to have each month:

• goals for the month (I like to look back at my goals for the year and break them into smaller, more realistic/attainable goals. That way, each month I am working towards my big “year goals.”)
• book to read (my goal is to read 1 book a month, so I put the title of the book I’m reading here)
• habits to track (examples – water intake, movement/exercise, taking vitamins, reading, practicing guitar, journaling, etc – really just anything you want to be more consistent at and track your progress!)
• savings & budgeting (where I track financial goals for saving & budgeting)
• birthdays (birthdays occurring that month!)
• notes (here I add any additional miscellaneous notes like errands I’ll need to run, bills I’ll need to pay, or things like car maintenance, etc)

Like I said, I’m a beginner so this is likely to change, but that’s what I’ve found most useful so far!

— Weekly Spread — 

bullet journal weekly spread

Finally, here is the weekly spread! This is the spread I utilize and reference most during the week. Each day and date is labeled and I use the top half of the page to write my tasks for the day. This is also where I use the “key” to identify each task. Whether it’s personal, work related, errands, a birthday, a holiday, or simply something I don’t want to forget, I write that on top.

Then, on the bottom half of the page, I have 14 lines labeled from 8am to 9pm. This is where I schedule appointments, meetings, and commitments that have a specific time associated with them.

Below is an example of what my week may look like at the end, when it’s filled out (they’ve been made blurry on purpose).

— VIDEOS — 

Lastly, there are so many videos on the numerous ways you can bullet journal and different spreads you can use. It’s fun finding what will work best for you and having the flexibility to change as you go!

Here are a couple videos of others sharing about their bullet journals that I’ve found helpful:

• simple & minimal style bullet journal – Pick Up Limes *she inspired the way I do my weekly layout*
• Bullet journal planner – AmandaRachLee
• Minimalist Bullet Journal Planner set up – Ashlynne Eaton

One of the biggest things to remind yourself, especially when starting, is that SIMPLE is best! Don’t feel like you have to implement everything. Start small and grow from there.

I hope you found this post helpful no matter where you are in the process!

Happy journaling!

“A man’s heart plans his way,
but the Lord directs his steps.”
– Proverbs 16:9

t w e n t y – t w e n t y

This is a bit of late-Christmas, New Year, and 2020 reflection post all mixed into one...

When I think back to what life looked like on December 31, 2019 it feels almost like a different lifetime.

This time last year, like at the beginning of most years, people began setting goals, making resolutions, and declaring what they envisioned for the year. 2020 was “deemed” the year of vision (20/20 haha) and many chose vision as their “word of the year.”

With blind hope and naive expectations we looked forward to 2020, not knowing what would come 3 months in…

Some of the most unexpected events began to unravel faster than we could process or comprehend and it was like time stood still, or maybe we just stood still, while the world spiraled out of control around us.

And, although everything in the world was so chaotic, within me there was a great calm (not always, but mostly) as I was constantly reminded of the promises in God’s Word telling me that He is not surprised, He is in control and He has not forsaken me.

This year my hopes look different and my prayers have changed as I approach January 1, 2021. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever look at New Years the same. I won’t speak presumptuously about the future, as Proverbs 27:1 says: “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.”

There have been jokes made about people rashly pronouncing 2020 to be “their year” and we’ve recognized how foolish our attempts are to predict and define what we have no control over. If I could choose 1 word to sum up the past 365 days I would say: “humbling.”

I am aware, now more than ever, of how not in control I am. “God is in control” is something that can easily come from my lips but I can continue living like I still have some “say” or control over my day-to-day life.

I am weak. Frail. Incapable. I stand only by the mercy and grace of my Savior.
I don’t have accurate words to hold the weight of loss, trauma, and suffering this year brought for so many.
My heart breaks for those who have lost loved ones.
Those who couldn’t plan or attend memorial services.
Those who took their lives this year because the anxiety, isolation, & fear were no longer bearable.
Those who lost their jobs.
Those who began to cry the moment they could hug their loved one or hold their hand after months of distance and separation. And for those who still wait for that moment.
Those who were separated from spouses and children because they’re medical workers and wanted to keep them healthy.
For the front line workers who are still enduring and processing the unimaginable trauma of caring for people struggling to breathe in a war-zone like ICU.

As spring turned into summer, summer into fall, and fall into winter. . . with came Christmas along with the songs and decorations. . . but it wasn’t the same, the underlying grief and sorrow couldn’t be ignored.

And yet life is often like that. Joy and sorrow each held in one hand. Times of gathering causes the empty seat to feel even emptier. Those who are not there are missed with more ache. Our hearts break all the more and we feel the absence even deeper. Joy mingled with sorrow is a paradox hard to comprehend and even harder embrace.

This year I could not escape the fact that the events surrounding Christmas-time seemed to more closely parallel the time when Jesus was born: a world that is broken, sinful, & weary. People who are lost, hurting, sick, fearful, and suffering.

Jesus chose to be born into and experience a world of conflict, sickness, disease, sin, brokenness, oppression, poverty, hurt, injustice, political unrest, and religious tension. He came. He didn’t guard Himself or choose comfort. As God He could’ve picked to be born at ANYtime, ANYwhere, with ANY status, or ANY amount of wealth imaginable . . . And He chose a manger.

He was the hope for a weary world.
But not in the way they were expecting.

“A thrill of Hope, the weary world rejoices.”

“This is how God showed His love among us:
He sent His one & only Son into the world that we might live through Him.
This is love: not that we loved God,
but that He loved us
and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
-1 John 4:9-10

Nothing speaks more of humility than God clothing Himself in humanity, becoming a baby, being born in a manager, and living to die for the sin of the world; for my sin, for your sin. God became the greatest example of meekness and humility; so why are we surprised when He leads us into circumstances that will produce humility in us? Maybe we’ve been so consumed with our prideful boasting of what we presume God’s will to be that we have lost sight of one of the most precious things that He wants to produce in us: humility and obedience.

“Jesus Christ possessed more true greatness in a stable
than any other king ever possessed in a palace.
Infinite & an infant,
O the wonder of Christmas!”
– Charles Spurgeon

Philippians 2:3-8
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit,
but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
Let each of you look not only to his own interests,
but also to the interests of others.
Have this mind among yourselves,
which is yours in Christ Jesus, who,
though He was in the form of God,
did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,
but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a servant,
being born in the likeness of men.
And being found in human form,
He humbled Himself by becoming obedient
to the point of death, even death on a cross.”


Throughout this year I have heard and have also (selfishly and regrettably) began sentences by saying: “When things go back to normal __fill in the blank__….”
Presuming and expecting that life will “go back to normal” because we crave the comfort of the familiar (even if it’s ungodly or unhealthy). . . but while we say we want “things to go back to before” we forget that trials and pain like this have a way of changing us forever. They leave their imprints and marks. We have scars and lessons learned.

A year like 2020 will challenge, stretch, and grow you faster than you imagined possible. Maybe you’ve felt like you’ve been holding your breath, surviving, just waiting and longing for a sense of “normal” again. Maybe you feel like you’ve made no progress, haven’t grown, or have nothing to show for this year. . . maybe you feel like you’ve wasted time and have no idea how beauty will come from the ashes. Maybe the challenges and trials have taken the best from you and you’re at your lowest.

We are not the same people we were on 1/1/2020. Even if you don’t feel it, even if you feel like you’ve failed, or you feel ashamed of what this year made of you – this is not the end of your story! He is still working ALL things together for good for those who love Him and He is bringing about His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

We never could’ve predicted, prepared, or planned for a year like this. . . looking back at 2020 and ahead at 2021 I am humbled and prayerful, desiring to trust the Lord no matter what may come…because if 2020 taught me anything; it taught me to cherish every moment, every person, and every circumstance, even the painful ones, because each moment is a blessing and the next one isn’t promised. And if, by His will, the next moment does come, I have absolutely no clue what it may bring. The one thing I know for certain is that: HE WILL BE THERE, “for He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you‘” Hebrews 13:5.

James 4:13-16
“Come now, you who say:
‘Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city…’
whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow.
For what is your life?
It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.
Instead you ought to say,
“If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.”
But now you boast in your arrogance.
All such boasting is evil.”