Category: Things I’m learning

why??


“My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
    Why are You so far from saving me,
from the words of my groaning?
2 O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer,
    and by night, but I find no rest.

3 Yet You are holy,
    enthroned on the praises of Israel.
4 In You our fathers trusted;
    they trusted, and You delivered them.
5 To You they cried and were rescued;
    in You they trusted and were not put to shame.“

Psalm 22:1-5

I’ve said this before, but I am soooooo thankful for the honesty of scripture. I’m thankful God didn’t hide the cries, doubts, and prayers uttered by His people in desperation. It reminds us that we are not alone: He sees and He has not forsaken us amidst brokenness and pain.

In the first 2 verses of Psalm 22 David expresses that he feels forgotten and forsaken … God seems far, salvation seems impossible, and David is questioning if God is even listening. David cannot rest; he’s hopeless and distraught.

Twice David cries out “Why?”

Isn’t that a question we’ve all asked… “Why *fill in the blank*?”

David’s honesty reminds me that God is big enough for our “why’s.” You do not need to hide your questions or your struggles for fear that God will be disappointed. How do I know this?? Because Jesus Himself echoed the words of David on the cross when He cried: “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)

We will go through times when we question God’s purpose and wonder why it had to be *this* way. Couldn’t He accomplish His will and plan in a different way?!

But, where do we go from there? When we have these emotions, doubts, and questions, we have a choice: Do we stay focused on everything that hasn’t gone as planned, stay angry at God, and allow the questions to pull us further from Him??

OR do we bring our emotions to God, cry out to Him, remind ourselves of the truth of who He is, and recall His past faithfulness to us and to others??

There are many times when the temptation is strong to stay angry and allow my heart to grow hardened and calloused towards God. My mind can begin to think: He’s not hearing me, He’s forgotten me…

But then, much like David, I have to remind myself: “YET You are holy.”

What is your “yet??” The thing that, even if it doesn’t come to pass, you will still proclaim “YET You are holy.” Despite the confusion, doubt, and questions God does not change. He is the SAME yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) He is still holy: which means He is set apart, sinless, and His ways are perfect. His thoughts are higher than ours and we will not always understand what He is doing or why. (Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 115:3)

I’ll never forget hearing a sister in Christ share her testimony of how the Lord was walking with her through the heartbreaking loss of her dear husband. She shared this quote from Spurgeon that has never left my memory: “God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”

God is big enough to handle our questions, doubts, and fears. But don’t forget that He also has so much more for us! When we walk through doubt it forces us to examine our expectations of who we believed Jesus to be and realize who He truly is. We talked about doubt at church this weekend and my dad shared: “When we walk through doubt, don’t abandon Jesus. Abandon your expectations of Jesus.” When we bring our doubt to God He will use it to refine and deepen our knowledge of who He really is and strip away the false expectations we had of Him!!

We shouldn’t ignore our emotions, but we also should not let them lead or dictate our beliefs and actions. Instead, we should allow our emotions to lead us to the Truth.

In verse 3 David reminds himself of truth and of the power of praise. “[You are] enthroned on the praises of Israel.” God is enthroned, seated, and exalted on the praise of His people. When we choose to worship Him, amidst these emotions, He is glorified and HIS PRESENCE IS THERE.

Lastly, in verses 4 and 5, David reminds Himself of God’s faithfulness to generations past. They trusted and God delivered and rescued. Their trust was not in vain. They were not put to shame.

“Shame” means disappointed, humiliated, confused, unsettled…

I think at the core of many of my doubts and questions is the fact that I don’t want to feel shame for trusting in God. I don’t want others to look at my life and think “oh, look at what trusting in God gets you….” For a long time I wanted my life to measure up to the standard I thought others had for me so I could say “yes! God did that!” and give Him glory for getting what I wanted.

But what about when you don’t get what you wanted???
When your prayer isn’t being answered??

I’m learning that, in those times of uncertainty, you have an even greater opportunity to glorify Jesus. You can say “No, I don’t have _______, but I have Jesus, and now I KNOW that He is all I need.” I haven’t always been able to say that with joy and contentment, but, looking back, I praise God that He didn’t give me the things I thought I needed. Even though it hurt and felt like I was being forgotten or left out, I would’ve never been where I am today without those seasons. It’s easy to give Jesus praise for answered prayers, but what about giving Him glory before the answer?

Following Jesus will cost sacrificing your timeline, your plans, and control. But what you receive in exchange for that surrender is “exceedingly abundantly above all” you could ever ask or think!! (Ephesians 3:20)

And now, I can say with full confidence, that the peace, contentment, and joy I have found in Jesus cannot compare with anything this world has to offer. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my hard days and doubts but I’m learning that God knows better and He can be trusted. God’s thoughts towards us are the only ones that matter so don’t seek to impress, please, or prove yourself to others.

And, please remember that:
The tears you cry are not in vain.
The prayers you’ve prayed are not in vain.
Your trust in God is not in vain.
Your patience is not in vain.
Your faith is not in vain.

I want to end with Psalm 25:3; I love how each of these versions phrases this verse slightly differently:

Let no one who waits on You be ashamed (NKJV)
None who waits for You shall be put to shame (ESV)
No one who trusts in You will ever be disgraced (NLT)
No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame (NIV)


even when you feel lost, lonely, confused, or unsettled
your patience, trust & hope in the Lord will never be wasted. <3


28.


This past weekend I turned 28 and sat down to write out 27 things I learned *and am still learning* from last year (in no particular order). if one resonates with you lemme know in the comments! 🫶🏼

1. Just because your timeline looks different doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.

don’t compare your life to anyone else’s. God has a specific plan & purpose for you. if you try to imitate what He’s doing in someone else’s life you’ll miss what He has for YOU.

2. You will be misunderstood.

people will disagree and misunderstand you. that’s okay. share what you need to but don’t try to change their mind or heart. only God can do that.

3. You don’t need to give everyone an explanation.

it’s easy to sense the need to defend yourself when you feel attacked, but you don’t need to explain your reasons for everything. a friend shared this with me recently and it was so freeing!

4. Cherish the friendships God has given you.

I think I experienced the gift of friendship more at 27 than any other year of my life. at the beginning of this year many of my friends saw me at my lowest and were there for me. They encouraged me, brought me my favorite coffee (iykyk), FaceTimed me as I cried, traveled to new cities with me, and laughed with me. Godly friendships are truly priceless.

5. god will never leave you.

even when He feels far away, He is closer than you could ever know. it’s a promise! hebrews 13:5 says “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

6. Go new places! book the flight! invite a friend!

p.s. you don’t need to get on a plane to go somewhere new! find a restaurant, cafe, park, or local town you’ve never been to! see, taste, and enjoy *new* places!

7. be child-like & enjoy simple things.

growing up you may feel the pressure to act a “certain way” but don’t lose the child-like wonder that comes with savoring the small, simple, everyday things.

8. Don’t settle.

don’t lower your standards because your prayers aren’t being answered when you wanted. God’s timing is perfect and He has good things for you.

9. Celebrate well.

it’s such a joy to be able to celebrate milestones and walk thru exciting seasons of change with your friends! Graduations, engagements, weddings, pregnancies, babies, new houses, new jobs, etc. be there to rejoice with those you love!

10. cherish time with your loved ones.

tomorrow is not promised. don’t take your loved ones for grated <3

11. keep your expectations in check.

learn to recognize unrealistic expectations you may have and give people the space to be human. we will let each other down and disappoint one another (but this is not an excuse for someone to intentionally hurt you repeatedly)

12. Take care of your body & PRIORITIZE REST.

your goal should not be to look a certain way but to prioritize healthy habits and balance! your older self will thank you! hydrate, go outside, soak in the sunshine, go for a walk, eat nourishing foods, go to bed on time, laugh, spend time with those you love, journal, etc.

13. getting over someone will get easier with time.

and then one day you’ll be over them... I hated when people told me this cause in the moment it feels like it will hurt forever. i know. but it does gets easier. it also makes you stronger and will give you greater empathy towards others with similar heartbreak.

14. Don’t stop doing what makes you smile.

live music, road trips, donuts, sunsets, a cup of tea, card games, bonfires, hikes, meals with friends, local markets, your favorite coffee shop… find what makes you smile and make time for those things!! ♡

15. Don’t be afraid of trying something new

some of the things I now love are the very things I used to be scared of (houseplants, and doing things solo like a nice dinner, concerts, and traveling come to mind). you may feel scared at first and make mistakes, but don’t let that stop you! on my list of things to try next: long boarding, pottery, and taking a latte art class!

16. Memories & experiences are more valuable than possessions.

experience > things. every time.

17. give space for the emotions you’re feeling.

as I’ve gotten older the emotions I feel seem to have become more complex & simultaneous… grief, joy, frustration, anticipation, anger. certain emotions aren’t bad and God wants to meet you in each one.

18. listen well & have a teachable spirit.

listening is a skill that needs to be learned & practiced. when others have correction to share with you, listen and be teachable. there’s always room to be a better listener, learner, and communicator.

19. put down your phone & pick up a book.

I need to do that more this year. social media can be inspiring but also very draining without proper boundaries.

20. Go to the concert! (Even if you don’t know all the artist’s songs *or the artist* haha)

I went to 12 concerts in 2022! many of them I had been waiting to see since the shows were rescheduled in 2020 and some of them I barely knew of! so thankful for the memories of singing and dancing alongside friends. I don’t think I’ll ever take live music for granted again.

21. You don’t need to have it all together *or act like you do*

acting is for the movies. not real life.

22. Be honest. It’s okay to say “I’m not okay” & “This is really hard”

it’s easy to automatically say “I’m good!” when someone asks how you are, but be honest with yourself and with those who care about how you’re really doing.

23. sometimes Hope isn’t effortless.

when it’s hard to hope, don’ stop fighting for it. when a circumstance is getting worse while you’ve been praying for it to get better there’s a temptation to give up, but our God is a God of HOPE: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13

24. learn to Wait well, while also realizing that you’re not waiting for your life to begin.

your life is a culmination of todays. it’s easy to get caught up waiting for something you desire, but don’t miss out on the opportunities right in front of you!

25. DON’T WORRY SO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHERS WILL THINK.

easy to say, harder to actually do. live to please God and let people think what they will. “For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? For if I were still pleasing men, I wouldn’t be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

26. PLANS HAVE THEIR PLACE BUT soak up the spontaneity of life & be care-free when plans go awry! 

planning is helpful, but be flexible: enjoy the process & embrace last-minute opportunities!

and lastly….
27. GETTING OLDER CAN FEEL DAUNTING BUT EMBRACE & enjoy EACH YEAR!

I’m thankful for each of the years I’ve lived: they’ve made me who I am today and I’m forever thankful for the gift of celebrating another year!

So… there they are! 27 things I have learned *and am still learning.* I’m expectant for all this year has in store & for the growth that will come with it <3

o Lord, You know.


It’s been a bit since my last post… I need to get better about that 🙈 but I first wanted to say “thank you“ for being here. thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve written. I pray you feel seen and encouraged in these words. I pray you know that you are not alone and, if you can relate to anything I’ve shared, I am here for you.

This time of year I always start feeling overly sentimental as my birthday and the end of another year approaches…turning a year older and looking back on 365 days always fills me with immense gratitude while also feeling deeply contemplative and somewhat somber (the darkness at 5pm doesn’t help either haha).

I’m grateful for another year: a year filled with new memories, genuine friendships, growth, opportunities, simple moments, and mundane tasks. This year was also full of many contrasts: some of the lowest lows and highest highs.

Throughout the year, this phrase has proven to be true:

the lower the valley,
the higher the mountain.
you cannot experience the mountain top
without first walking thru the valley.

It sounds incredibly cliché, I know, but it felt so true this year. If I had the choice, I would opt out of the valley; only wanting to experience the view at the top of the mountain. But the lowest valleys lead to the highest peaks and you cannot have one without the other. You need the valley to have the mountain top. And, because of the valley, you will have a much deeper appreciation for the mountain peak. Tears have a way of making laughter sweeter… maybe it’s because laughter, contentment, & genuine joy were things you thought you’d never experience again.

“Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” – Luke 6:21b

2022 taught me to hold multiple emotions at once. I think it’s always been that way, but was more extreme this year. Some things I’m learning… that new beginnings bring both sadness and anticipation. When you obey God you will always gain more than you lose. It’s possible to feel unsettled, yet at peace. Hope is worth holding onto, even when letting go seems easier. When you let go of certain dreams, you will also realize new ones. Joy and grief coexist. You can feel frustrated over not being where you want to be, yet grateful that you’re not where you were… Life can feel so complex and so simple at the same time. So much can change, while somehow staying the same.

Recently, as these thoughts have been swirling through my head, I also read Jeremiah chapter 15, and portions from verses 15 thru 16 really stood out me:

“O Lord, You know; remember me & visit me … in Your enduring patience, do not take me away … Your words were found & I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy & rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts.”

I love reading the raw & honest prayers and expressions of people in the Bible. They are an example to me that it’s necessary and important to bare your heart before God. It’s holy ground.

Jeremiah simply says “O Lord, You know.”
Oh how I relate to those words.
Sometimes that’s all I’ve been able to say.
All I’ve had the energy to say.

Sometimes those are the only words we can utter. When we can’t put words to what we’re feeling or when unpacking it all feels too overwhelming, “O Lord, You know.” We don’t need to explain it all. He knows. He sees. He cares.

Then Jeremiah pleads: “remember me & visit me.” I can only imagine that he’s saying these words from a place of feeling forgotten and alone. Emotions that can feel all too familiar.

Lastly Jeremiah reminds himself of God’s enduring patience. When we are impatient, confused, and frustrated God’s patience is NEVER ENDING. You will never run out of God’s patience and nothing will ever stop Him from pursuing you. His death on the cross is constant confirmation that He gave everything to prove His love for us and His desire to rescue and redeem us.

When we feel overwhelmed (and maybe slightly overdramatic, like I can be) He doesn’t abandon us, instead He shows us unending & enduring patience. He walks with us and cares for us. We are His and we are called by His name.

“Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God & into the patience of Christ.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:5

I’m thankful that God has recorded the emotions and honest cries of His people.
It means that He hears our honest, raw, aching, muttered prayers too.

As I soak in the last weeks of 2022 I’m realizing that I’ll probably always feel like I’m failing in certain areas and flourishing in others. Part of life is rejoicing that I’m not who I used to be and I’m also not who I want to be. But day by day, by His grace, God is making us more into His image… He is walking with us through the valleys and the mountain tops, day after day and year after year. He is working thru it all to make us more like Him.

So, here’s to walking thru the valleys and the mountains, holding both the failing and the flourishing, and realizing that He uses both to draw us closer to Him. Through His strength and grace, may we glorify Him as we walk through both.

honesty & healing


It’s been a bit since I’ve written on here — it’s mostly because I’ve just been processing, trying to figure out what to say… and what not to. But what keeps coming to my mind is that I don’t have to wait until I have it all together to sit down and write. It’s ok to sit—broken, unsure—and write what I’m learning in the middle.

I like to have things “put together” — I’d prefer to share once I have the testimony from the “other side” with the happy ending, healed heart, and a bow to tie on top. I like having the lesson learned, but it’s hard to share when the lesson comes with pain or when I feel like the happy ending may never come? *okay, I’m being slightly dramatic……but I have felt that*

I’m learning to embrace sharing when I don’t have the pretty conclusion because life is kinda one big in-between: a wrestling between answered prayers and prayers not-yet answered. Holding joy in one hand and pain in the other. Balancing hurt and healing. Keeping a soft heart amidst hard circumstances. It’s living on earth, knowing heaven is my destination.

I know we’ve all been there — when pain makes it hard to believe that brighter days are coming and when it hurts to hope and feels more like heartbreak. Loss makes even sunny days feel dark.

But, if I’m learning anything, it’s that we’re not as alone as we feel or may think. While specific circumstances and details may be different, many can sympathize with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart. It’s so important to be honest with where you’re at, or else you cannot move forward. You can’t see the future if you keep your eyes closed in denial.

You can’t edit out the pain that comes with life. You can’t make it more comfortable, bearable or tolerable. You can’t choose when pain happens…or where, how, or with who. It has a tendency of blindsiding you. So much of it is out of your control and out of your hands.

But here’s the thing: we all want the lessons pain teaches, without experiencing it. Pain is a great teacher: it forces us to be honest, real, and vulnerable. If you allow it, pain causes you to grow and it strengthens you. Pain causes people to pause, give their attention, and listen; because it’s something we all have in common.

When I am broken and hurting I have felt Jesus nearest. He meant it when He told us that HE IS NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED. Psalm 34:18 —

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
& saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

When we bring our hearts to Jesus — raw, broken, crushed, hurting, and humbled — He does something only His gentle hands can do: HE pieces us together.

“Blessed are those who mourn
for you shall be comforted”
– Matthew 5:4

We all know Jesus is a comforter. We want to experience His comfort, but how many of us want to mourn? I know it’s something that I wouldn’t choose voluntarily, but mourning is a qualification for experiencing His comfort. *ouch* Too often I walk around wanting to push the pain aside; keeping my eyes ahead, moving forward, not acknowledging what could make me cry at any minute… I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want to talk about my disappointments, how I’ve been a disappointment to myself and to others. I don’t want to share the cries of my heart that only Jesus hears. I don’t want to go there… because I’m afraid of staying there. But, just like Jesus says, when we mourn: He comforts. It’s promised so I don’t have to be afraid!! There is never a moment I will mourn that I won’t ALSO experience His comfort. I don’t ever have to fear being left alone — because He comes and sits next to me and tells me that He’s gonna carry me thru to the other side and promises to comfort me. For as long as I have to mourn, that’s how long He’ll comfort.

This verses tells us “blessed are those who mourn,” but honestly, I consider myself anything but blessed when I’m mourning… in a day of social media highlights, mourning is not often shared because it makes people uncomfortable; it isn’t pretty or “aesthetic.” But I believe the blessing comes because those who are mourning experience Jesus’ nearness in a way they never would have without the tears. And then you have the blessing of being able to comfort others who are mourning. How good is our heavenly Father that He comforts and blesses us when we feel undesirable, unseen, and unlovable?! And then He teaches us how to do the same.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” – 1 Corinthians 1:3-5

It took me a long time to realize that hurt is frequently unavoidable. I thought I was supposed to avoid hurt with everything in me and, if I was hurt, it was the result of something I did wrong. Because hurt means that you didn’t try hard enough, right? Which, don’t get me wrong, I have been hurt by my own sin and foolish decisions, but what about when you feel like you did all you could and things were going smoothly—until it wasn’t. Until you were blindsided and hurt. That’s the hardest lesson pain teaches—sometimes it’s a chapter in your story and there’s nothing you can do to edit or alter the ending. You can’t revise heartbreak, but it’s also not the end of the story.

Instead of looking at it as an end, you could also view it as a new beginning; an opportunity to heal and grow. Hard things have a way of exposing the places in our hearts that have been neglected and need to be mended. There have been situations where I’ve responded in ways I didn’t expect because my heart was harboring unresolved hurt or trauma I hadn’t healed from and surrendered to Jesus.

You cannot change what happened, but there is something you can do about how it impacts and shapes your future. You have a say in how you heal. You can allow Jesus to put the pieces of your heart back together.

So… here’s to healing and being honest. Here’s to walking thru the pain, uncertainty, and sharing unprocessed, incomplete thoughts while you’re feeling them, instead of waiting till you’re on the other side—because we’re all learning on this journey and none of us has it figured out!