Category: Thoughts

…what’s been on my heart and mind lately.

Hinds’ Feet on High Places

“‘I am afraid,’ she said ‘I have been told that if you really love someone you give that loved one the power to hurt and pain you in a way nothing else can’…’To love does mean to put yourself into the power of the loved one and to become very vulnerable to pain, and you are very Much-Afraid of pain, are you not?’ ‘Yes, very much afraid of it’ she replied, shamefacedly. ‘But it is so happy to love, even if you are not loved in return. There is pain too certainly, but Love does not think that very significant.’” (pg 11)

“O Shepherd, when you said that love and pain go together…how truly You spoke.” (pg. 36)

What is your greatest fear? Can you relate to weighing pro’s and con’s only to allow fear to paralyze you from making a decision? What fears have you faced?  Fear of the unknown?  Fear of rejection?  I’ve been asking myself: what have I grown so accustomed to living in fear of that it’s become a part of who I am, that I’ve stopped fighting against and have accepted as “normal.”  What is this fear holding me back from? Who would I be and where would I be if it no longer bound me? What if I was completely free from fear…. ?

“You, my Lord, never regarded me as I actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. You saw me as I would be. You always treated me with the same love and graciousness as though I were a queen already and not wretched little Much-Afraid.” (pg 230)

Near the end of 2016 I was sitting in a circle with girls from church and we were discussing this topic of fear.  When it was my turn to confess my greatest fear I responded: “Losing those I love.”  Not knowing all the changes that would take place in my life in 2017, I know look back and know that God knew my greatest fear and that I needed to surrender it to Him.  In 2017 one of my dear friends from that circle looked at me in the eyes and said: “Do you remember what your greatest fear was?”  I nodded. And I took it as her saying: “You’re still here. You’re walking through your greatest fear. God’s holding you and He’s in control.”

“Will you suffer yourself to lose or be deprived of all that you have gained on this journey to the High Places? Will you go down this path of forgiveness into the valley of loss, just because it is the way that I have chosen for you? Will you trust and still love me?” (pg 161)

“Every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appears to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to Your will, can be transformed..that is the only real satisfactory way of dealing with evil: not simply binding it so it cannot work harm, but whenever possible: overcoming it with good.” (pg 230)

Fast forward to January 2018 and I’m reading “Hinds Feet on High Places”—a book about a girl named “Much-Afraid” whose fear has crippled and deformed her, she then meets the Shepherd (Jesus) who promises to transform her and make her as the deer who leap without fear as they follow Him.  During her journey Suffering and Sorrow join as her companions and Much-Afraid learns to embrace them as an essential part of the journey.

“It is only up on the High Places of Love that anyone can receive the power to pour themselves down in an utter abandonment of self-giving…I never knew before, that the Valley is such a beautiful place and so full of song.”  (pg. 47)

I’ve also been listening to a podcast called “Going Scared,” where women share their stories of courage and emphasize that courage is not the absence of fear but rather is going despite of your fears.

“Remember also that it is always safe to obey My voice, even if it seems to call you to a paths which look impossible or even crazy.” (pg 80)

So I’ve been thinking again…what do I fear?

“He will never be content until He makes me what He is determined I ought to be. I wonder what He plans to do next and if it will hurt very much indeed?” (pg 166)

“Always go forward along the path of obedience as far as you know it until I intervene, even if it seems to be leading you where you fear I could never mean you to go.” (pg 175)

At the root of all my fear is unbelief and a lack of trust in God. While reading “Hinds Feet on High Places” I saw myself in Much-Afraid & I can relate to the way her fears crippled her.  And I remind myself that in reality, I have no reason to be afraid: when I focus on Christ & His promises–I know He will take care of me.  I know He’s going to guide me, even though the path seems unclear at times. I can cast all my cares & fears on Him, because He cares for me.  Don’t forget that He cares.  He really, truly does.  You can trust your greatest fear in His hands: He does not promise that you’ll never face it, it simply promises that He will be with you.  And that is enough.

“She marveled at the grace, love, tenderness, and patience which had led, trained, guarded, and kept poor faltering Much-Afraid, which had not allowed her to turn back, and which had now changed all her trials into glory.” (pg 217)

“Because He is with me, I will fear no evil, what can man do to me?” Psalm 118:6
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod & Your staff they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4
“The Lord is my light & my salvation, whom shall I fear?” Psalm 27:1
“I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

“All she can do is to gasp with wonder, awe and thanksgiving and to long with all her heart to go higher and to see and to understand more…how little she had imagined, when first she set out on that strange journey, what lay ahead of her & the things that she would be called to pass through.  So for a long time she sat silent — remembering, wondering, & thankful.” (pg 226&229)

Billy did. 

Billy Graham.

November 7th, 1918 — February 21,2018

I remember reading his autobiography … reading about the way he lived: his humility and the way that, no matter how many people were in the crowds he spoke to, he remained humble. He knew that he was representing and living for a Holy God. Billy remembered who he was and made much of the amazing Savior he served.  His life was about Jesus.  So simple, yet what power there is in taking Jesus at His Word, loving Him, relying on the Holy Spirit, & loving others.

While I hear stories of people making shipwreck of their faith; I think of Billy Graham.  I think of his faithfulness and the example of his life, the boundaries he put in place to keep himself accountable and pure. The way he served others and sacrificed what others take for granted, to preach, serve people and bring them the Good News.  What others would view as a desired, glamorous life of prominence and influence comes with the reality of temptation that is more than what most men can endure.

I think about the cost his family paid for him to preach… how often he traveled and was away…

I think about him and Ruth…the letters they wrote to each other and the strain they must’ve felt at times being away from each other, yet how it seemed to only strengthen their commitment and faithfulness to what God had called them to.

I think about the way Ruth prayed for Billy and served her family while standing strong in the Lord.  What an amazing example. She knew who she was in Christ and because of that she was able to love her children and husband free of expectations.

What speaks loudest is not what one does when they are in front of crowds or influential people but who they are when they are alone. Billy knew that one day he would stand alone before God & the same is true of me.

When a person is alone or at home with their family that the place where you see who they truly are. And it is the place that most challenging: because that is where character is built.  The truest test of a person is who they are when they leave the stage and the people are gone.  Who am I then?  That is the real me.  For Billy: it was real, his family & legacy is a testament to that.  He counted anything that the world has to offer as incomparable with the gift of walking with Jesus & being a trophy of His grace.  He cast aside anything that would’ve marred his example & testimony or could’ve distracted people from receiving the gospel.  He subjected himself to a higher standard, the one that-honestly-every Christian is called to, to be an example.

And look what God did with a man who devoted himself to the truth of the Good News and living it out.

I am reminded that Billy was a man, human.  Just like me. Just like you. What set His life apart was the God whom He served with utter abandon.  And God is still the same: looking for people to take Him at His word & follow Him. And it causes me to ask myself: am I willing to sacrifice & risk it all to serve my God who has already promised to care for me, give me the words, and guide me?  Do I believe Him?  

Billy did.

…And look at what God accomplished through his life.

 

“I asked Mother how she endured so many years of goodbyes. She quoted a mountain-man who said, ‘Make the least of all that goes and the most of all that comes.’”    – Gigi Graham, daughter

 

“It is a foolish woman who expects her husband to be to her that which only Jesus Christ Himself can be: always ready to forgive, totally understanding, unendingly patient, invariably tender and loving, unfailing in every area, anticipating every need, and making more than adequate provision. Such expectations put a man under an impossible strain”    – Ruth Bell Graham

 

“As I grew older I realized that my parent’s love for one another was deeper than just the look in their eyes each time one of them came into the room. Their love was based on more than their physical and emotional attraction. It was based on solid, uncompromising commitment—first to Jesus Christ, second to the institution of marriage, and then commitment to each other.”   – Gigi Graham, daughter

nearly nine years ago…

I thought I’d share some of my story, specifically my testimony of how Jesus saved me…nearly nine years ago:

Before I was born Jesus saved my parents on the same night & transformed their lives; because of that my childhood was filled with the love, joy, and peace of Christ. I grew up learning about Jesus and witnessing His grace in our lives, church has always been a big part of our lives and my parents have always been actively involved. It wasn’t until I was older that I began to understand that I couldn’t depend on my parent’s relationship with Jesus, He died & rose again to have a personal relationship with me. I knew the things to do to be a “good church kid” but I knew the reality in my heart: I was empty, desired acceptance, was lonely, & would become frustrated whenever I would mess up.

I remember looking at people who had a genuine love for Jesus and wanting it so deeply but thinking it wasn’t possible for me. I was caught in a cycle of trying to keep my act together, then failing. I had become so used to being fake, going through the motions, and having “emotional experiences” at church yet remaining the same. After an inspiring sermon I would muster up the resolution to do better, only to go through the week and fail. I thought there was something wrong with me.  I could “do” the right thing and “play” the part but it wasn’t coming from a place of genuine love or transformation.  My determination and emotion always fizzled out with nothing to show for it.

I was looking within myself for the answer and had grown so accustomed to living a lie that I wasn’t sure if I could live in the truth.  It was an exhausting, unfulfilling, emotional cycle that left me hopelessly desperate and empty.  I longed for change and looking back I can see that cycle brought me to the end of myself.  It brought me to the place where I knew I couldn’t go on like that and I needed Jesus.  Only Jesus.

I knew my need and I knew it couldn’t come from within myself.  HE needed to do it.  I was powerless and needed to let go of the facades I had been trying to uphold.

It was March of 2009, I was 14, and I was set to go to our church’s summer youth retreat.  I remember going into that weekend thinking over and over… “I just need Jesus.”

If you’ve ever been to a youth retreat you may have realized that each teaching kinda builds up to the last night where there’s usually an invitation to salvation, worship, and it’s typically a very emotional experience. Going into this retreat I didn’t want anything to do with that.  I wasn’t sure what it felt like be a Christian or what exactly it would take but I knew I needed Jesus because I had seen Him in other’s lives.  The first morning of the retreat the Pastor was sharing from Galatians 1:15-16 where Paul says “But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother’s womb and called me through His grace…” He went on to explain how God intervened and changed Paul’s heart and course; it was only a work of God, Paul had not been expecting or searching for it.  His life was forever altered and it was because of God’s grace. I knew those words were for me.  I needed God to intervene.  And at the end the pastor simply said: “If you need God to intervene, stand up.”  No emotion.  No ambiance music.  Just a simple invitation.  And I stood.  Believing that I needed Jesus, knowing that I was wretched, sinful & hopeless.

As I left that service, I didn’t feel emotional, I was sure of the work God had done in my heart, but I was also scared. Scared that it wouldn’t last and that nothing had really changed.  During the free time I sat and prayed, simply telling God that I was worried that nothing had happened, that I would go home unchanged with the same unfulfilling experience.  And I opened my Bible to begin reading the book of Philippians.  Then I got to verse 6…

“…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

I remember being shocked, a weight lifting off of my heart and knowing that God had answered my prayer through those words.  All I had in my past was failure & emotional experiences which always faded; in my own flesh I could not “be” a Christian.  I needed to be stripped of my pride to realize that salvation was something that God was going to have to complete in me.  I now knew that no matter what failures were behind or ahead of me, my salvation was not dependent on me: I must only depend on Jesus & He would complete what He began. What I had been worried about messing up, He would complete. That was all I needed.

Then the final night of the retreat came…I stood towards the back and I remember being overflowed with an immense peace and gratitude during worship.  No feeling in the world compared with the one of knowing that I was His: when the music stopped & I went home, He would be going with me. The confidence and faith He put it my heart was something I had never before known: I knew it was Him; nothing I had done. I had complicated it my whole life while Jesus was there, patiently waiting, drawing me, & pursuing me…  I’m so grateful for that day.

Never take your story for granted.  It reveals God’s grace and faithfulness. But remember that your story is not finished. For me, there is so much that has happened since that day…dry seasons, seasons of doubt and questioning, failures and successes, but He’s always been there.  Teaching, redeeming, healing, and completing me.  And He is doing the same with you.

 

“I am afraid, however, that …
your minds may be led astray from
your simple and pure devotion to Christ.”
-2 Corinthians 11:3

2 words I thought I’d never embrace…

There are two words that don’t come natural or easy for me to live out.  Through God’s strength and grace I am constantly striving to grow in these two things that would be impossible for me to embrace without Him….What are they?

Discipline.
&
Patience.

Through the years my understanding of these has changed: when I was younger, like any other kid, I hated them… they meant I couldn’t get my way or have what I wanted.  As I grew up, by my parent’s guidance, I learned to accept them as needful but I struggled because people would say things like: “Why haven’t you done ____ yet?”  “Don’t you want _____?”  “When are you going to _____?”  It made me resent the fact that I was choosing to wait & the voice of rebellion in my heart would say: “Why don’t you just get what you want? Why wait?”

Through God’s grace I’ve learned that whatever I desire will not make me happy or give me freedom once I have it.  In contrast, by waiting for God’s perfect time, one day I will be able to fully enjoy what I am waiting on.  But I don’t have to wait until then to be satisfied or fulfilled.  There’s nothing more joyful than going to Christ for satisfaction and letting go of the fulfillment that I thought could be found in a person, experience, outcome, possession, or desire.  I have learned to say “I shall not want” because He is the One my heart was made for.

Today and I’m learning to cherish and embrace self-discipline and patience. The two go hand-in-hand: discipline requires patience & patience requires discipline.  They cannot be separated.  They are not easy, but I’ve been able to see the beautiful fruit in my heart, mind, and life when I choose to wait on God’s timing for what is best rather than pursing what I feel I need now.  I’m a work in progress; always learning. It is a life long-journey, not a destination.  But I can say that the lessons discipline and patience have taught me are priceless.

One of my favorite quotes on this subject is:

“Discipline is choosing between what you want now & what you want most.”

Self-discipline in my life looks like examining my time & thoughts and asking if I’m spending it in a way that is beneficial or destructive? Am I walking in a way that is wise, directing me towards my goals and the person God is calling me to be? A lack of self-discipline leads to self-destruction and hurting those around me.  Like the quote says, having self-disciple may mean having to say “No” to something, even if it’s good, so I can say “Yes” to what is best. Self-discipline leads me to choose what is best which ultimately leads to greater freedom.  I’m free to say “No” because my flesh no longer has power over me and through Christ’s victory I am free to say “Yes” to what He has prepared for me: a life of joy and peace, love and freedom in Himself.

Discipline and patience are painful to practice because they stretch & pull you out of your comfort zone but lead to growth and character. It’s a daily, intentional decision to choose what causes growth…You may be questioning if staying & growing in patience and discipline is worth it. I love what Hannah Brencher, an author and speaker who shares a lot on this subject, says: “We don’t just walk away and call it quits when stuff gets hard. Life is hard. Life will deal you some tough blows. The hard stuff produces character and I know I could always stand to have more character. So I stay.”

James 1:4 reads – Learn well how to wait so you will be strong, complete, and in need of nothing. If you do not have wisdom, ask God for it. He is always ready to give it to you and will never say you are wrong for asking.

My prayer is that we learn to wait well & enjoy the season we are each in with contentment and joy.  I pray God grant us the grace to stay in the hard, uncomfortable places that lead to growth.  I pray He give us the wisdom and grace to practice self-discipline and patience.  I pray we depend on Him for strength and follow His voice: calling us to wait and trust Him because He knows what is best.