Category: Thoughts

…what’s been on my heart and mind lately.

o Lord, You know.


It’s been a bit since my last post… I need to get better about that 🙈 but I first wanted to say “thank you“ for being here. thank you for taking the time to read what I’ve written. I pray you feel seen and encouraged in these words. I pray you know that you are not alone and, if you can relate to anything I’ve shared, I am here for you.

This time of year I always start feeling overly sentimental as my birthday and the end of another year approaches…turning a year older and looking back on 365 days always fills me with immense gratitude while also feeling deeply contemplative and somewhat somber (the darkness at 5pm doesn’t help either haha).

I’m grateful for another year: a year filled with new memories, genuine friendships, growth, opportunities, simple moments, and mundane tasks. This year was also full of many contrasts: some of the lowest lows and highest highs.

Throughout the year, this phrase has proven to be true:

the lower the valley,
the higher the mountain.
you cannot experience the mountain top
without first walking thru the valley.

It sounds incredibly cliché, I know, but it felt so true this year. If I had the choice, I would opt out of the valley; only wanting to experience the view at the top of the mountain. But the lowest valleys lead to the highest peaks and you cannot have one without the other. You need the valley to have the mountain top. And, because of the valley, you will have a much deeper appreciation for the mountain peak. Tears have a way of making laughter sweeter… maybe it’s because laughter, contentment, & genuine joy were things you thought you’d never experience again.

“Blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.” – Luke 6:21b

2022 taught me to hold multiple emotions at once. I think it’s always been that way, but was more extreme this year. Some things I’m learning… that new beginnings bring both sadness and anticipation. When you obey God you will always gain more than you lose. It’s possible to feel unsettled, yet at peace. Hope is worth holding onto, even when letting go seems easier. When you let go of certain dreams, you will also realize new ones. Joy and grief coexist. You can feel frustrated over not being where you want to be, yet grateful that you’re not where you were… Life can feel so complex and so simple at the same time. So much can change, while somehow staying the same.

Recently, as these thoughts have been swirling through my head, I also read Jeremiah chapter 15, and portions from verses 15 thru 16 really stood out me:

“O Lord, You know; remember me & visit me … in Your enduring patience, do not take me away … Your words were found & I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy & rejoicing of my heart; for I am called by Your name, O Lord God of hosts.”

I love reading the raw & honest prayers and expressions of people in the Bible. They are an example to me that it’s necessary and important to bare your heart before God. It’s holy ground.

Jeremiah simply says “O Lord, You know.”
Oh how I relate to those words.
Sometimes that’s all I’ve been able to say.
All I’ve had the energy to say.

Sometimes those are the only words we can utter. When we can’t put words to what we’re feeling or when unpacking it all feels too overwhelming, “O Lord, You know.” We don’t need to explain it all. He knows. He sees. He cares.

Then Jeremiah pleads: “remember me & visit me.” I can only imagine that he’s saying these words from a place of feeling forgotten and alone. Emotions that can feel all too familiar.

Lastly Jeremiah reminds himself of God’s enduring patience. When we are impatient, confused, and frustrated God’s patience is NEVER ENDING. You will never run out of God’s patience and nothing will ever stop Him from pursuing you. His death on the cross is constant confirmation that He gave everything to prove His love for us and His desire to rescue and redeem us.

When we feel overwhelmed (and maybe slightly overdramatic, like I can be) He doesn’t abandon us, instead He shows us unending & enduring patience. He walks with us and cares for us. We are His and we are called by His name.

“Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God & into the patience of Christ.” – 2 Thessalonians 3:5

I’m thankful that God has recorded the emotions and honest cries of His people.
It means that He hears our honest, raw, aching, muttered prayers too.

As I soak in the last weeks of 2022 I’m realizing that I’ll probably always feel like I’m failing in certain areas and flourishing in others. Part of life is rejoicing that I’m not who I used to be and I’m also not who I want to be. But day by day, by His grace, God is making us more into His image… He is walking with us through the valleys and the mountain tops, day after day and year after year. He is working thru it all to make us more like Him.

So, here’s to walking thru the valleys and the mountains, holding both the failing and the flourishing, and realizing that He uses both to draw us closer to Him. Through His strength and grace, may we glorify Him as we walk through both.

hopeful or hardened hearts


“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.”
— Katherine Henson

You wanna know a miracle I’ve overlooked my whole life, until recently? The miracle of keeping a hopeful heart in a hardened world.

Have you ever felt yourself growing cynical or complacent as a response to hurt? Maybe your hopes have been crushed and you don’t want to pick up the shattered pieces… Has it ever felt more painful to hope so you’re tempted to stop all together?

Lately God has placed people in my life who have shared their stories with me and each time I’ve walked away thinking: “if they kept going, so can I.” While hearing their experiences I would think to myself: “After what you walked through I may have quit: on church, on people, on relationships… I would’ve put up walls and hardened my heart.” But, they didn’t, and God is working in their lives in ways they never would’ve seen if they had quit and now their lives are preaching a louder sermon than any pastor could.

I really love how the New Living Translation puts Ezekiel 36:26 “I will give you a new heart & I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart & give you a tender, responsive heart.” Notice how it’s GOD who gives us a new heart; it’s something we’re incapable of giving ourselves. He must do it. Our hearts are naturally stubborn and hard; He is the One who gives us a soft & responsive heart.

I’ve repeated this prayer a lot lately: “Lord, keep my heart soft. Keep me responsive. Keep me hopeful.”

I love how God often works the opposite of how we may expect… In the world suffering is a reason to give up hope; but Paul tells believers that HOPE is a BYPRODUCT of our suffering in Romans 5:3-4: “We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Has hope ever felt futile or pointless? Like you don’t even want to share what you’re hoping for because you feel ashamed? The next verse in Romans 5 says “And HOPE DOES NOT PUT US TO SHAME, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Psalm 25:3 reiterates this point that “no one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame…” Although the world may mock or misunderstand, you will never but put to shame as long as your hope is in Jesus.

If you have (or are) struggling to hope don’t forget that hope requires POWER from the Holy Spirit, it’s not something that always comes naturally. In Romans 15:13, Paul says “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Everything in this world will make you hopeless & cynical. But IN CHRIST, by the power of the Holy Spirit, we have a hope that remains when all else fails. Our hope is in heaven and nothing on this earth will ever satisfy the hope only heaven can fill.

Sometimes hope can feel as natural as breathing,
other times it can feel like a weight you’re forced to carry
that leaves you struggling for air.

Today, whether hope comes easily for you or it feels like it requires all the effort you have, I pray you’re reminded that our hope is not in vain and it is not an empty expectation. Our faith is in the ONE who will forever be faithful, who will fulfill every promise He’s ever made. When you’re tempted to give up and you feel circumstances choking the hope out of your heart, don’t forget that our Hope has a Name. Christians have the hope that one day we will be face-to-face with Jesus, the One our weary hearts are longing for.

“Be joyful in hope,
patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer.”
– Romans 12:12

“while we wait for the blessed hope—
the appearing of the glory of our
great God and Savior, Jesus Christ,” – Titus 2:13

“Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,
for He who promised is faithful.” – Hebrews 10:23

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one… Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

timelines

**I’ve had this post saved as a draft for a bit and on Monday I listened to a podcast by Michelle Reed that had sooo much confirmation in it about this same topic and it was soo encouraging to me. CLICK HERE to listen to it on apple podcasts!**

Do you tend to compare the events and milestones in your life with those around you?? I know I do and I catch myself doing it a lot… comparison is such a dangerous trap that’s even easier to fall into with social media.

Comparison causes us to put our eyes on what someone else has and take our eyes off of what God has placed before us.

It’s easy to feel left out or forgotten when thoughts like “all my friends are ____” or “I wish I was ____” start to invade your mind… But, what if, instead of comparing ourselves to others, we learned to celebrate the differences in our stories?! Instead of wishing your life looked like someone else’s, what if we embraced the creativity and intention of our God who does not rewrite or duplicate stories!

I’ve learned to look at the differences in my story as a blessing… If there’s one thing I wish you could know with all your heart after reading this it would be that God did not make a mistake with you or your story; your life was written and purposed by Him before the foundation of the world! (Ephesians 1:4) Nothing is by coincidence or accident, you are not forgotten or being left out. If you feel like God is withholding something good from you, you can trust Him when He says that He gives good and perfect gifts. If it was good for you, you would have it by now. He has something else for you right now as you seek Him and wait on Him.

He has something that was created specifically for you! Just because your story is different doesn’t make it less valuable or better than others; instead, it makes it perfectly created and authored for you by your Heavenly Father. What’s for them is not for you…don’t let comparison rob you of your story! Don’t let it rob you of what’s right in front of you; cause you are there for a reason. If all our timelines and stories were the same, how boring and predictable would that be? When our lives aren’t matching up with our expectations we tend to complain, grumble, and become discontent where God has us. But, when we do that, we’re complaining about the very things that God has preordained for us. When you’re able to embrace the differences in your story, it frees you to be able to celebrate with those who seem to be getting what you wanted. Your satisfaction shouldn’t come from things “going the way you hoped” — but your fulfillment should come from being satisfied in Christ no matter how your age and milestones are lining up.

*story time* So, a few years ago, a lady I barely knew asked me if I was in a relationship; when I said “no” she asked my age (I was 24 at the time) and then proceeded to tell me “well, be careful…cause the older you get the harder it becomes to get married because you become more independent and it’s harder to create a life with someone when u let ‘too much time’ pass.” I remember feeling so disheartened over her remark and I think I responded with something like, “well, I know God is in control of my future so I’m not worried…” But her words really pierced my heart and I replayed them in my mind, thinking *in my sassy inner dialogue* “well lady, I don’t really have control over what age I get married!! Trust me, it’s not easy watching friends younger than me get engaged and married…but I can’t do anything to change that!!!” hahaha I’ve always been thankful for the independence and freedom I have but her remarks made it seem like less of a blessing and more of a curse that was going to doom me for the rest of my days.

The craziest thing about all that is the fact I still remember that interaction… for some reason that conversation has taken up space in my memory for far too long. It’s reminded me that the words you speak to others hold great weight, be careful of the words you share with others. What she said made me feel like the older I got the smaller my chances are of becoming a wife and having a family of my own one day. But what a lie of the enemy!! He wants us in a place of hopelessness and despair; where we believe his lies and dwell on people’s careless remarks instead of dwelling on God’s faithfulness. Pay attention to the thoughts that appear when you feel discouraged or lonely — whose words are they? God’s? Others? Your own? Not everything deserves to be replayed in your memory. Be careful of the thoughts you allow to grow and take root—because, before you know it, they become your beliefs…no matter how untrue they are and you’ll find yourself exchanging the peace and joy you have in Jesus for unbelief and doubt.

Life’s too short to miss out on what God has for you. Don’t believe the lie that your chances are “getting smaller” as you grow older. Instead, look at the gift life truly is, your life isn’t waiting to begin until ______ happens. It’s happening right now, where you are. Our God loves working beautiful miracles and writing stories like no other, so: enjoy the story He is writing for you. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, look at all the opportunities He’s given you and all the things you are able to do in this season of life that you wouldn’t be able to experience otherwise!

As time passes, may you grow in faith and expectancy, cause we serve a God who doesn’t write boring stories!

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart…” – Jeremiah 1:5a

honesty & healing


It’s been a bit since I’ve written on here — it’s mostly because I’ve just been processing, trying to figure out what to say… and what not to. But what keeps coming to my mind is that I don’t have to wait until I have it all together to sit down and write. It’s ok to sit—broken, unsure—and write what I’m learning in the middle.

I like to have things “put together” — I’d prefer to share once I have the testimony from the “other side” with the happy ending, healed heart, and a bow to tie on top. I like having the lesson learned, but it’s hard to share when the lesson comes with pain or when I feel like the happy ending may never come? *okay, I’m being slightly dramatic……but I have felt that*

I’m learning to embrace sharing when I don’t have the pretty conclusion because life is kinda one big in-between: a wrestling between answered prayers and prayers not-yet answered. Holding joy in one hand and pain in the other. Balancing hurt and healing. Keeping a soft heart amidst hard circumstances. It’s living on earth, knowing heaven is my destination.

I know we’ve all been there — when pain makes it hard to believe that brighter days are coming and when it hurts to hope and feels more like heartbreak. Loss makes even sunny days feel dark.

But, if I’m learning anything, it’s that we’re not as alone as we feel or may think. While specific circumstances and details may be different, many can sympathize with the feelings and emotions of a broken heart. It’s so important to be honest with where you’re at, or else you cannot move forward. You can’t see the future if you keep your eyes closed in denial.

You can’t edit out the pain that comes with life. You can’t make it more comfortable, bearable or tolerable. You can’t choose when pain happens…or where, how, or with who. It has a tendency of blindsiding you. So much of it is out of your control and out of your hands.

But here’s the thing: we all want the lessons pain teaches, without experiencing it. Pain is a great teacher: it forces us to be honest, real, and vulnerable. If you allow it, pain causes you to grow and it strengthens you. Pain causes people to pause, give their attention, and listen; because it’s something we all have in common.

When I am broken and hurting I have felt Jesus nearest. He meant it when He told us that HE IS NEAR TO THE BROKEN HEARTED. Psalm 34:18 —

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted 
& saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

When we bring our hearts to Jesus — raw, broken, crushed, hurting, and humbled — He does something only His gentle hands can do: HE pieces us together.

“Blessed are those who mourn
for you shall be comforted”
– Matthew 5:4

We all know Jesus is a comforter. We want to experience His comfort, but how many of us want to mourn? I know it’s something that I wouldn’t choose voluntarily, but mourning is a qualification for experiencing His comfort. *ouch* Too often I walk around wanting to push the pain aside; keeping my eyes ahead, moving forward, not acknowledging what could make me cry at any minute… I don’t want to mourn. I don’t want to talk about my disappointments, how I’ve been a disappointment to myself and to others. I don’t want to share the cries of my heart that only Jesus hears. I don’t want to go there… because I’m afraid of staying there. But, just like Jesus says, when we mourn: He comforts. It’s promised so I don’t have to be afraid!! There is never a moment I will mourn that I won’t ALSO experience His comfort. I don’t ever have to fear being left alone — because He comes and sits next to me and tells me that He’s gonna carry me thru to the other side and promises to comfort me. For as long as I have to mourn, that’s how long He’ll comfort.

This verses tells us “blessed are those who mourn,” but honestly, I consider myself anything but blessed when I’m mourning… in a day of social media highlights, mourning is not often shared because it makes people uncomfortable; it isn’t pretty or “aesthetic.” But I believe the blessing comes because those who are mourning experience Jesus’ nearness in a way they never would have without the tears. And then you have the blessing of being able to comfort others who are mourning. How good is our heavenly Father that He comforts and blesses us when we feel undesirable, unseen, and unlovable?! And then He teaches us how to do the same.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” – 1 Corinthians 1:3-5

It took me a long time to realize that hurt is frequently unavoidable. I thought I was supposed to avoid hurt with everything in me and, if I was hurt, it was the result of something I did wrong. Because hurt means that you didn’t try hard enough, right? Which, don’t get me wrong, I have been hurt by my own sin and foolish decisions, but what about when you feel like you did all you could and things were going smoothly—until it wasn’t. Until you were blindsided and hurt. That’s the hardest lesson pain teaches—sometimes it’s a chapter in your story and there’s nothing you can do to edit or alter the ending. You can’t revise heartbreak, but it’s also not the end of the story.

Instead of looking at it as an end, you could also view it as a new beginning; an opportunity to heal and grow. Hard things have a way of exposing the places in our hearts that have been neglected and need to be mended. There have been situations where I’ve responded in ways I didn’t expect because my heart was harboring unresolved hurt or trauma I hadn’t healed from and surrendered to Jesus.

You cannot change what happened, but there is something you can do about how it impacts and shapes your future. You have a say in how you heal. You can allow Jesus to put the pieces of your heart back together.

So… here’s to healing and being honest. Here’s to walking thru the pain, uncertainty, and sharing unprocessed, incomplete thoughts while you’re feeling them, instead of waiting till you’re on the other side—because we’re all learning on this journey and none of us has it figured out!