Category: Thoughts

it’s been a minute since i’ve been on here… honestly, it’s been hard for me to press “publish” on other drafts cause I feel like they’re only telling portions of a story I haven’t been ready to share about, until now… (insert dramatic music. jk)

To share what’s ahead does requires some backstory, so here we go…

The beginning of 2022 I had to end a relationship and it really crushed me. I was crushed, not because it had been long-term, but because I had such high hopes for how it would end (or I guess… not end). Breaking off that relationship was the last thing I wanted but knew I had to after seeing a pattern of dishonesty and distrust.

Walking out of that I felt disillusioned, confused and stuck. Stuck in every way and in every area of my life: physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally… and everything felt dark. Things I had always enjoyed felt empty and I did not feel like myself…I felt helpless. And I cried. A lot.

Through the care of my family, prayers my parents prayed behind closed doors, encouragement from friends, and God’s grace, Jesus pulled me out of that dark place. He was the light showing me the way out and He replaced my confusion with clarity. He brought people I barely knew, but are now close friends, into my life to hold my hand and help walk me out.

The “stuck” feeling that had defined me started to shift: Physically, I realized that I didn’t want to wait to do things that I had always envisioned doing once I was married. I started traveling with friends, taking trips on my own and was embracing the freedom and excitement of this time in my life. Emotionally, I was feeling like myself again and had moved past the regrets of that relationship. And mentally, I started going to therapy the beginning of 2023 after debating for a loonngg time whether or not I should go (little tip a friend shared with me: if you’re debating, that means you should go. Therapy has been a huge answer to prayer and it’s been one of the best *and hardest* decisions.)

But, one thing didn’t go away was a feeling of being spiritually stuck. It’s like I was numb. I had, pretty consciously, built a wall between me and God. I knew God loved me but, when I was brutally honest, I didn’t know if I could trust Him. My heart felt guarded and I was scared of anything that could cause a repeat of the kind of pain I had experienced.

During this time I was wrestling with some honest questions that were swirling in my head towards God: “Why didn’t You protect me from that hurt? Why did You allow me to pursue that relationship if You knew it would end that way? Don’t You know I already feel betrayed enough? My sister leaving, now this? Can I really trust You?”

I’ve struggled with trusting God, especially after walking through church hurt… In 2017 my family and I left a church we had gone to since I was 8 and had attended and served in for 15 years. Moral of that story, I’d encourage you to do research before attending or supporting Calvary Chapel Cary, here’s an article explaining only some of the reasons why: https://julieroys.com/calvary-chapel-pastor-addiction-abuse/. I still hear stories and am meeting people who have walked through the spiritual manipulation and neglect that is perpetuated by the “pastor” and leadership within those walls, 6 years later.

Experiencing betrayal, manipulation and deception in church, the very place that should be safe and free of those things, has caused me wrestle with God. Then, experiencing it in a relationship that I had such high hopes for, caused me to wonder if trusting God was safe, could He really be trusted? Wasn’t He supposed to be protecting my heart? Protecting me and my family? My sister? Not allowing these things to happen?

Any loving parent would do anything to keep their child from being hurt, right? So how could my Heavenly Father allow this?

I didn’t understand how He could allow me to start walking down a path that would end in a breakup or heartache… Couldn’t He just put a big “HURT AHEAD” warning sign at the start of the path so I could avoid it all together??

As I’ve been honest with these emotions, asking God what He was doing, I am learning one thing… He isn’t trying to bubble wrap my life to keep me from making mistakes or avoiding hurt and pain. For a long time I had thought that was His job.

A huge lightbulb went off for me when I realized that walking in faith doesn’t equate to avoiding hurt. Sometimes walking in His will means you will be betrayed (like He was) and experience pain. If my heart is broken or a situation ends unexpectedly, it isn’t because He’s abandoned me…no, He is with me, protecting me within the pain.

See, I mistook His protection as meaning I would be protected from hurt, protected from pain, and never experience them. But that’s not His protection at all. His protection is in the midst of the hurt and the trial. Whatever feels like it’s going to destroy me in the present, is working FOR ME eternally.

“For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen.” 2 Cor 4:17-18

Looking back on that relationship, I prayed multiple times for God to reveal things about his character and, if there were red flags or things that needed to come to the light, I prayed for God to show me. And God did! Within 4 months I had my answer. But, when that answer wasn’t the one I had wanted, I was devastated.

God’s protection means that all these things (heartbreak, crushed expectations, confusion, betrayal, loss, pain, death, destruction, etc) don’t have the final word. What the enemy intends to destroy you, God redeems and purposes for good and growth in your life!  “But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day…” Genesis 50:20

When He says “No weapon formed against you shall prosper” (Isaiah 54:17) that doesn’t mean weapons won’t be formed…they simply won’t prosper!!

I’m also really glad that God doesn’t bubble wrap our lives. You see, we bubble wrap things because we’re afraid they could be broken. But, unlike us, God isn’t fearful and He doesn’t want us to be!! If He sees the end from the beginning and He’s not afraid, then I don’t have to be either!! He tells us that perfect love casts out all fear.

1 John 4:18 says “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 

Walking with Jesus should give us SO much confidence: because we know that He has only good things for us (Romans 8:32). He will show us when we are settling for less or going the wrong way. When He loving asks us to surrender something (even if it’s something that seems good!) we can trust that it’s because He has better for us. Even when we question His judgement, or wonder why it has to be so painful, we know that He loves us and He works everything, especially the pain, to show us more of Himself and develop character, trust, and faith in us.

Life doesn’t come with a pain-free guarantee, even though we frequently do everything we can to avoid it. For too long I was scared to do anything because I thought that pain or unexpected outcomes were a consequence of doing something wrong. But then I realized that the Bible is full of examples of men and women who were in the middle of God’s will and they experienced hurt and pain. Jesus is the ultimate example of that! God’s perfect will and plan for Jesus was death on the cross. But what looked like destruction on the outside wasn’t the end of the story. Redemption came through His death; which tells us that when things need to die in our life God is still working and He is still redeeming.

My dad has recently been saying: “Don’t write a period where God has placed a comma.” And that’s so true. He’s not finished.

To end, Isaiah 61:1-3 sooo richly describes God’s purpose in sending Jesus:
“He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives,
And the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
² To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
³ To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.”

You see how that ends?!? THAT HE MAY BE GLORIFIED.

Jesus’ purpose was to glorify God and His death on the cross, the thing that brought Him the most pain, was a part of that. These verses don’t promise protection from a broken heart, from captivity, from mourning, from ashes, or from heaviness. But those verses DO promise JESUS amidst those things. HE is our healer, our freedom, the One who comforts, who consoles, our oil of joy, our garment of praise… we can be courageous, unafraid, and unmoved by the trials that tempt to sweep us away because our victory is IN HIM: “But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Cor. 15:57.

When we hear His Word, and walk in it, we will be like a house built on the rock, not on the shifting sand (Matthew 7:24-27). As the winds blow and the storms rage, may He be glorified cause He is our anchor, our firm foundation. <3

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf.” Hebrews 6:19-20a

“For the Lord your God is the One who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” Deuteronomy 20:4

For a long time I had the mindset that I could earn what I wanted if I was “good” enough, said the right prayers, went to church and read the Bible consistently. Even tho I probably wouldn’t admit, my relationship with God was more like a checklist and I was always trying to earn His approval (instead of living in the approval I already have through Jesus). Because of this mindset I thought that, if I was doing all the “right” things, then God would hear my prayers and grant me the desires of my heart.

Have you ever thought, like me, that the purpose of waiting on God is to get what you want?? That, if you just wait with enough patience and faith you can earn the outcome you are hoping for?

At times I have thought that waiting on God meant that He was obligated to give me what I was waiting for because I had earned and deserved it.

There’s also a temptation to have this thinking towards relationships…that, if you’re honoring God, are waiting patiently, and are content in Him then He is obligated to bring you a spouse. But, if you are wrestling with God’s timing & struggling in singleness, then He’s going to withhold from you until you are content and ready. Like there’s a secret code He’s waiting for you to unlock before you’re ready for marriage.

This thinking is soo harmful because it causes us to become focused on ourselves and our actions leading to self-righteousness, entitlement, or condemnation. And, most of all, it takes away from God’s grace that we can never merit!

One of the most freeing truths about the Gospel is that God gives good gifts to His children by His grace and grace alone. The greatest gift of all, salvation, is a display of His amazing and overwhelming mercy and grace. When we realize that our walk with Christ becomes a joy and our relationship with Him is an outpouring of love and gratitude for all He has done for us that we could never ever earn.

As we wait on God and walk in His grace we see that He is all we need. I know that sounds cliche, but it’s true. Maybe you, like me, have been waiting on God FOR something or for Him to DO something. But, as you seek His face, you find that all you need is IN HIM. There is nothing good that He is withholding from you (even if it may not feel like that at times).

SO, here’s a thought I’ve been pondering… What if waiting is the destination?? You know that corny quote “the journey is the destination” haha it’s kinda like that (but hopefully a little bit less corny.)

Waiting on God is right where He wants us… Perhaps that’s why scripture repeatedly says “wait on the Lord” NOT “wait on the Lord until He gives you ______.” You may feel like you’re stuck in an in-between, pointless waiting season; but what if that is EXACTLY where God wants you?!?!!

During the waiting Jesus works in our hearts in ways that He cannot do otherwise. Romans 5:3-5 says “knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.” He produces character in us when we surrender our suffering and waiting to Him.

Although this is something I don’t always want to acknowledge, waiting is not a season we graduate from this side of heaven. He wants us there for the rest of our lives: trusting and depending on Him for everything. Waiting on Him for e-ver-y-th-ing.

Have you ever thought that your season of waiting will end once:
– you graduate college
– you move out
– you land your dream job
– you get a boyfriend
– you get engaged
– you get married
– you buy a house
– you have kids
– your kids have grown
– your kids move out
– you retire
…the list goes on and on

But, what if the waiting doesn’t stop when we get what we’re “waiting for?”

The truth is, our flesh doesn’t want to wait…we want to rely on ourselves and, when we’re honest, we don’t want to wait patiently for anything. But, as we wait, we must continually surrender our story and our journey to Jesus. We may never understand why the journey of waiting has to be so long, but we can trust that He is in control.

This instagram caption was a big realization to me: “the moment we refuse to romanticize our hurt or strangle it until it produces purpose, is the moment we see who God is and what He’s capable of doing with and in the midst of our deep pain … have the courage to believe that telling the truth about your suffering will make way for God to reveal the truth about Himself.”

Sometimes I’m so bent on figuring out the purpose of the season I’m in so I can move on. I often think I can rush the waiting by learning the lesson God is teaching me so I can “pass the test.” But that leads to feelings of failure and it can be hard for me to be vulnerable in the in-between. I don’t want to sit in the pain or feel like I’m not doing enough. But it’s through the pain and the honesty that God can reveal Himself in ways I wouldn’t know otherwise. Being honest before God, and being vulnerable with others, releases you to walk in the joy and the sorrow of each season and walk through that with others. Because every season has its beauty and it’s difficulty.

Waiting is not some cruel exam that we are doomed to retake until we pass.

Waiting is part of the journey with God. And, in His kindness and grace, the waiting is never in vain. We can trust that He is working and moving, even when we can’t see it. Most importantly, we can rest in the fact that our God is never in a hurry and He is never late. He wants to be our everything. The goal is to wait on Him, not on an outcome. He is the prize and the reward; the One who is worthy of our trust and our faith. When the outcome does *or doesn’t* go the way we hoped, we still need Him, every second, every minute, every hour.

If you’re seeking contentment, fulfillment, or satisfaction in ANYTHING else it will leave you empty and searching. As you wait on Jesus you will find that HE is the One you have needed all along. In the waiting, He can show us things we couldn’t see before …things we maybe didn’t realize we needed.

So… don’t rush, don’t fret, or allow anxiety to rob you of the blessings He’s given you today. If you have been walking in condemnation, thinking that God is withholding from you because of what you are *or are not* doing, I pray you are released to walk in the grace and freedom He has for you. Continue to wait on Him and enjoy the journey. He is both the journey and the destination. He is everything.

“All things were created through Him & for Him. And He is before all things & in Him all things consist.” Colossians 1:17

“Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.” Psalm 27:14

“My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
    Why are You so far from saving me,
from the words of my groaning?
² O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer,
    and by night, but I find no rest.

³ Yet You are holy,
    enthroned on the praises of Israel.
⁴ In You our fathers trusted;
    they trusted, and You delivered them.
⁵ To You they cried and were rescued;
    in You they trusted and were not put to shame.“

Psalm 22:1-5

I’ve said this before, but I am soooooo thankful for the honesty of scripture. I’m thankful God didn’t hide the cries, doubts, and prayers uttered by His people in desperation. It reminds us that we are not alone: He sees and He has not forsaken us amidst brokenness and pain.

In the first 2 verses of Psalm 22 David expresses that he feels forgotten and forsaken … God seems far, salvation seems impossible, and David is questioning if God is even listening. David cannot rest; he’s hopeless and distraught.

Twice David cries out “Why?”

Isn’t that a question we’ve all asked… “Why *fill in the blank*?”

David’s honesty reminds me that God is big enough for our “why’s.” You do not need to hide your questions or your struggles for fear that God will be disappointed. How do I know this?? Because Jesus Himself echoed the words of David on the cross when He cried: “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)

We will go through times when we question God’s purpose and wonder why it had to be *this* way. Couldn’t He accomplish His will and plan in a different way?!

But, where do we go from there? When we have these emotions, doubts, and questions, we have a choice: Do we stay focused on everything that hasn’t gone as planned, stay angry at God, and allow the questions to pull us further from Him??

OR do we bring our emotions to God, cry out to Him, remind ourselves of the truth of who He is, and recall His past faithfulness to us and to others??

There are many times when the temptation is strong to stay angry and allow my heart to grow hardened and calloused towards God. My mind can begin to think: He’s not hearing me, He’s forgotten me…

But then, much like David, I have to remind myself: “YET You are holy.”

What is your “yet??” The thing that, even if it doesn’t come to pass, you will still proclaim “YET You are holy.” Despite the confusion, doubt, and questions God does not change. He is the SAME yesterday, today and forever. (Hebrews 13:8) He is still holy: which means He is set apart, sinless, and His ways are perfect. His thoughts are higher than ours and we will not always understand what He is doing or why. (Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 115:3)

I’ll never forget hearing a sister in Christ share her testimony of how the Lord was walking with her through the heartbreaking loss of her dear husband. She shared this quote from Spurgeon that has never left my memory: “God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”

God is big enough to handle our questions, doubts, and fears. But don’t forget that He also has so much more for us! When we walk through doubt it forces us to examine our expectations of who we believed Jesus to be and realize who He truly is. We talked about doubt at church this weekend and my dad shared: “When we walk through doubt, don’t abandon Jesus. Abandon your expectations of Jesus.” When we bring our doubt to God He will use it to refine and deepen our knowledge of who He really is and strip away the false expectations we had of Him!!

We shouldn’t ignore our emotions, but we also should not let them lead or dictate our beliefs and actions. Instead, we should allow our emotions to lead us to the Truth.

In verse 3 David reminds himself of truth and of the power of praise. “[You are] enthroned on the praises of Israel.” God is enthroned, seated, and exalted on the praise of His people. When we choose to worship Him, amidst these emotions, He is glorified and HIS PRESENCE IS THERE.

Lastly, in verses 4 and 5, David reminds Himself of God’s faithfulness to generations past. They trusted and God delivered and rescued. Their trust was not in vain. They were not put to shame.

“Shame” means disappointed, humiliated, confused, unsettled…

I think at the core of many of my doubts and questions is the fact that I don’t want to feel shame for trusting in God. I don’t want others to look at my life and think “oh, look at what trusting in God gets you….” For a long time I wanted my life to measure up to the standard I thought others had for me so I could say “yes! God did that!” and give Him glory for getting what I wanted.

But what about when you don’t get what you wanted???
When your prayer isn’t being answered??

I’m learning that, in those times of uncertainty, you have an even greater opportunity to glorify Jesus. You can say “No, I don’t have _______, but I have Jesus, and now I KNOW that He is all I need.” I haven’t always been able to say that with joy and contentment, but, looking back, I praise God that He didn’t give me the things I thought I needed. Even though it hurt and felt like I was being forgotten or left out, I would’ve never been where I am today without those seasons. It’s easy to give Jesus praise for answered prayers, but what about giving Him glory before the answer?

Following Jesus will cost sacrificing your timeline, your plans, and control. But what you receive in exchange for that surrender is “exceedingly abundantly above all” you could ever ask or think!! (Ephesians 3:20)

And now, I can say with full confidence, that the peace, contentment, and joy I have found in Jesus cannot compare with anything this world has to offer. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my hard days and doubts but I’m learning that God knows better and He can be trusted. God’s thoughts towards us are the only ones that matter so don’t seek to impress, please, or prove yourself to others.

And, please remember that:
The tears you cry are not in vain.
The prayers you’ve prayed are not in vain.
Your trust in God is not in vain.
Your patience is not in vain.
Your faith is not in vain.

I want to end with Psalm 25:3; I love how each of these versions phrases this verse slightly differently:

Let no one who waits on You be ashamed (NKJV)
None who waits for You shall be put to shame (ESV)
No one who trusts in You will ever be disgraced (NLT)
No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame (NIV)

even when you feel lost, lonely, confused, or unsettled
your patience, trust & hope in the Lord will never be wasted. <3