A place that changed my ♥️ … part 2

(to read part 1 click: here 😊)

When I was 21 I got the opportunity to go back to Haiti in August of 2016.  I had been teaching preschool full time for 3 years and I had a lot of the same questions in my heart that I had in 2013: I didn’t know what the future held and I was praying for wisdom and guidance.

I felt that I was at another cross-roads but I didn’t want to be led by my emotions and I wasn’t sure if this trip would be as impactful as the last.  During that second trip I kept thinking over-and-over again: “Lord, what is this? Is this something that is not going to leave me? This longing and love for this community?  Will I ever be the same or be able to move on?”

Listen, my dear brothers and sisters: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love Him? - James 2:5

I walked away that week knowing in my soul that I would be back but I didn’t know how or when.  When I got home I talked to my parents and they encouraged me to embrace patience because if it was the Lord’s will it would happen in His time.  At the time I selfishly did not want to hear that but I knew it was necessary. Looking back I see God’s wisdom and purpose being worked out in it all.  I needed to learn (and still am learning!) patience, surrender, and trust.  I’ve learned that the work He has to do in our hearts is of far greater importance than anything we can do outwardly. A life surrendered to Him starts in the heart and continues in the heart.

No one who hopes in You
    will ever be put to shame,

Show me Your ways, Lord,
    teach me Your paths.
Guide me in Your truth and teach me,
    for You are God my Savior,
    and my hope is in You all day long.

– Psalm 25:3-5

My preschool class graduated in June of 2017 and the Lord provided me with a new, amazing job opportunity; thru a lot of change over the past 2 years I surrendered my dream to go back to Haiti because it seemed too far gone. I prayed that He would make it clear if it was in His will but I also doubted; thinking: “there’s no way I’ll be able to go back,” and “I should stop hoping in something that wasn’t meant to be.”  But God has been so gracious to give clear guidance and answer specific prayer requests that my parents and I have been committing to Him over the last 2 years. On Tuesday I’ll be leaving to Haiti again for 3 weeks and I am so grateful and humbled.  I am full of expectation and I cannot wait to see what Jesus is going to do thru this trip.   ♥️

Since my first trip Jesus has been teaching me to get comfortable with stepping outside of my comfort zone.

I want to get comfortable with the discomfort of stepping into something bigger than myself, something that only God knows the outcome of.  Something that scares me but causes my faith to grow.  Something that requires risk and humility in saying “I don’t know where this’ll lead to but I’m saying yes and walking in faith one step at a time.”

Life is found in pouring out, when all I have to worry about is myself and my comfort, life is miserable.  But He is constantly reminding me never to forget that He is the Source.  He is the One who our fullness comes from.  He is the Living Water, the Bread of Life, everything we need to face each day: He is strength and grace for whatever lies ahead.

The Christian life is not one of perfection or even striving towards perfection (and we do a great disservice to others when we act like it is) — it’s one of honesty,  repentance and running towards Jesus.  Every day I am faced with my old self: my pride and my selfishness. And every day Jesus reminds me that I am a new creation and that my old self is dead, buried, and I am alive in Him.  That is the walk of the Christian:  Freedom in Him, no longer bound by sin and self. Free to love Jesus and love others how He has loved us.

 

“The prayer is not asking that
I’ll be propelled into something bigger for this world.
The prayer is ‘reduce’
— Make me smaller.
Help me get out of my own way.” – Hannah Brencher

A place that changed my ♥️ … part 1

Throughout my middle & high school years I never had a desire to go on a missions trip. I had people close to me who had gone on missions trips and came back changed and I didn’t know if I was ready for that to be me. I knew that going to a different country would expose my ignorance and comfort and I would come face to face with a need bigger than anything I was capable of filling. I was also scared of the emotional side of it because I knew that emotions fade and I didn’t want to come home passionate and moved by what I had seen but go on living my comfortable, first-world life…so I figured it’d be safer to stay home and kept telling myself “I don’t need that.”

That is until I had the opportunity to go to Managua, Nicaragua in 2012; which led to going to Jacmel, Haiti in August 2013… I was 18, had just graduated High School in May and I remember being overwhelmed with so many questions.

Every time I turned around someone was asking me the same questions I was asking myself and it frustrated me because I didn’t have answers. 

I knew God promised to guide me; but when? When would the answers come?  Should I go straight to college? What major should I choose? Where should I work? Worries like: “I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life?!?!” occupied my mind.  

I am so grateful that my parents were never the ones asking me these questions or putting pressure on me. My dad always said “I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of my life!” — he reminded me to walk in faith and not by sight. It was scary because for the first time my life wasn’t mapped out.  Can you relate to feeling like you’re stumbling, taking your first “baby steps” out in faith, not sure where they’ll lead and wondering if you’ll be able to walk? . 

In the middle of that season I set off on a plane to Haiti….

I learned that one week cannot do much to make a lasting impact on a country but one week can do something immeasurable in one’s heart. 

During that week my heart changed.  I learned that nothing makes you take your eyes off yourself like being surrounded by children and people who have a hunger in their souls for Jesus. I learned that nothing brings more joy and fulfillment than when we are filled with Christ’s love and then pouring into others as a result … I see how Jesus knew that I need to be there to come face to face with my own selfishness, my own pride, and my own poverty.  I learned that I have so much more in common with people across the world than I had ever thought before. I learned that I was desperate for Jesus to soften my heart. My heart was impoverished: I just had material abundance to distract me.  My heart was hard and I had been too stubborn to step out of my own world into the hurt, suffering, and need of another’s.

After 1 week in Haiti I knew that I wanted to spend my days pouring into others. I had a passion for serving kids so I came home and applied for a job teaching preschoolers which, to my amazement, I got. I also started taking some Early Childhood Education online classes at my local community college. I learned quickly that life is not easy and although I knew God had opened the door for me to be a teacher it was still hard; but I knew it was worth it.  I learned that real life can be monotonous but you can choose gratitude and look for the beauty in the mundane, because it is there: I got to go to a classroom full of kids that my heart loved and I knew that I was where God wanted me.

Then, in 2016, I had the opportunity to go to Haiti again & I wasn’t sure what to expect…

Fear.

“I was constantly afraid that God was holding out two options & asking me to choose the better one.”

 

“I think we either lean in close and risk it all or we stay ruled by the fear of losing” -pg 168

 

In June I read “Come Matter Here” by Hannah Brencher. She talks a lot about the fear and anxiety that comes with change or the prospect of change.  Maybe you can relate to thinking of all the reasons something could never work out or why the thing you’re dreaming for could never really happen. Or the fear that overtakes you when what you hoped for begins to happen and you freeze, asking “Wait. Is this really what I wanted?”

Jesus has just been reminding me to listen to His voice & let truth silence the lies. He has a story so much greater for you: don’t let fear steal it.

“There is so much good in sticking with something and not giving up. I hope you learn that faith isn’t a thing to check off a list; it’s a lifelong pursuit. Don’t run from this stuff; run towards it with everything you have. While I don’t hope that something comes along to break your heart I know it inevitably will.  And so, when the storm kits and the darkness tries to win I hope you remember that your spirit is made of something thick and durable. You’re a fighter, and no one gets to take that from you. That darkness doesn’t get to have you. I hope you never get too scared to speak out your story. Your story isn’t a burden; it’s a healing balm.. May God use it to fix and restore; encourage and revive." -H.B. pg 232

 

If we are not renewing our minds in the truth of God’s Word, allowing it to transform us, we will continue in the same comfortable, unhealthy patterns.

 

“Usher in hope where fear wants to stand.” - H.B. pg 47

 

I recently read John chapter 3 when Jesus is talking to Nicodemus; in their conversation Jesus repeatedly says, “I tell you the truth.” Jesus is challenging everything Nicodemus knew or presupposed about Him but ultimately it comes down to a choice for Nicodemus: he could fall back on what he had always known and reject Jesus’ words or choose to believe the truth about Jesus and follow Him.

 

“Life isn’t about the destinations  we can boast about getting to; it’s about all the walking in between that feels pointless when you try to take a picture of it because no one will understand it like you do. It’s the in between stuff that fleshes out a story: gives it guts and transformation.” -H.B. pg 31

 

Everyday I am faced with the same decision: Will I allow the same lie to play over in my mind on repeat? Will I turn back to fear because it’s what I’ve done all along and the prospect of change is scary?

 

“Maybe you’ve been in my spot before...It’s the moment when you had really high expectations for something and it just didn’t work out the way you thought it would. You did your best, but you feel like God has other plans and maybe you weren’t prepared for that. I am learning that God doesn’t bring us places to meet our expectations. For Him, it’s a lot more about transformation.” -H.B. pg 71

 

No matter the lie fear is telling me & no matter how I feel, who Jesus is does not and will not change. I have the choice to listen to His voice, renew my mind in the truth, and let Him remind me of who He is and who He created me to be.  And I pray you will choose the same.

 

“For years, I was consumed by what it would mean to “matter” in this world. To people. To someone special. To God.

I think we’ve all felt that. We want to know that our lives matter, that this isn’t some crazy accident we all got stuck inside of. I started to chase after whatever the world told me mattered. Success. Acclaim. Love. Happiness. I became obsessed with this idea of “getting there,” wherever “there” was. I was in a constant state of waiting to arrive somewhere better.

I didn’t know yet that all the good things—like faith, love, trust—don’t happen overnight. You can’t pick them up from the drive-thru or snag them in an instant download. It’s easier to run after the next thing the world tells you matters. It’s easier to never do the hard work of planting your roots or letting people in as you grab your suitcase and run hard toward “the next thing.”— But when you get tired of running, there’s a better story waiting to begin. I promise, it’s better. Yet there’s a catch: you’ll just have to stick around long enough. You’ll have to dig in and do the work—the work that happens in the here and now.” -H.B. pg 16

 

“Just be here now. You are going to miss life if you keep asking me if you are in the right place.”

A Better Choice.

May my meditation be pleasing to Him, as I rejoice in the Lord.  Psalm 104:34

I remember when Jesus was a checklist: a row of boxes I believed I had to check to avoid consequences and keep from “getting in trouble.”  I knew how to do things, but I was exhausted. I could hide it from others but I knew that I had no love or joy in my heart. I couldn’t escape the shallow emptiness & everything I did flowed from a dry, withering heart that was trying to disguise it’s thirst.

In all my fleshly might I was trying to do the right things so God would be pleased but I was missing His heart and I didn’t realize that He had so much better for me.  I was settling for guilt and religion while all along He stood there; offering me Himself: standing with arms open, hands and heart full of grace and forgiveness .  I thought I could earn my way to a close, fruitful relationship with Him and I failed to realize that He right there: standing right next to me the whole time. I think about how much that must’ve broken His heart. To see me thinking I could earn what He died to freely give.

Thru that season God showed me that my actions were a result of a poor understanding and misconception of who He truly is.  Like Paul said; the pursuit and call of our lives is “that I may know Him…” (Phil 3:10)  As we rest and rejoice in who He is everything else becomes an outpouring: a response and expression of our gratitude. No longer a box to check.

That season taught me so much.  It also serves as a reference so that when I find myself falling into old patterns, working out of my own strength or with insincere motives I am reminded that Jesus has so much better:

I was not made to work; I was made to abide.

I was not made to strive; I was created to rest.

I was not made to earn; I was designed to worship.

As we rest and rejoice in Jesus we find ourselves pushing onward (Phil 3:12) & running forward towards Him (1 Cor 9:24)—because He is our exceedingly great reward (Gen 15:1). 

Choose Him; the One who can never be taken from you.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.” Colossians 3:16