Fear.

“I was constantly afraid that God was holding out two options & asking me to choose the better one.”

 

“I think we either lean in close and risk it all or we stay ruled by the fear of losing” -pg 168

 

In June I read “Come Matter Here” by Hannah Brencher. She talks a lot about the fear and anxiety that comes with change or the prospect of change.  Maybe you can relate to thinking of all the reasons something could never work out or why the thing you’re dreaming for could never really happen. Or the fear that overtakes you when what you hoped for begins to happen and you freeze, asking “Wait. Is this really what I wanted?”

Jesus has just been reminding me to listen to His voice & let truth silence the lies. He has a story so much greater for you: don’t let fear steal it.

“There is so much good in sticking with something and not giving up. I hope you learn that faith isn’t a thing to check off a list; it’s a lifelong pursuit. Don’t run from this stuff; run towards it with everything you have. While I don’t hope that something comes along to break your heart I know it inevitably will.  And so, when the storm kits and the darkness tries to win I hope you remember that your spirit is made of something thick and durable. You’re a fighter, and no one gets to take that from you. That darkness doesn’t get to have you. I hope you never get too scared to speak out your story. Your story isn’t a burden; it’s a healing balm.. May God use it to fix and restore; encourage and revive." -H.B. pg 232

 

If we are not renewing our minds in the truth of God’s Word, allowing it to transform us, we will continue in the same comfortable, unhealthy patterns.

 

“Usher in hope where fear wants to stand.” - H.B. pg 47

 

I recently read John chapter 3 when Jesus is talking to Nicodemus; in their conversation Jesus repeatedly says, “I tell you the truth.” Jesus is challenging everything Nicodemus knew or presupposed about Him but ultimately it comes down to a choice for Nicodemus: he could fall back on what he had always known and reject Jesus’ words or choose to believe the truth about Jesus and follow Him.

 

“Life isn’t about the destinations  we can boast about getting to; it’s about all the walking in between that feels pointless when you try to take a picture of it because no one will understand it like you do. It’s the in between stuff that fleshes out a story: gives it guts and transformation.” -H.B. pg 31

 

Everyday I am faced with the same decision: Will I allow the same lie to play over in my mind on repeat? Will I turn back to fear because it’s what I’ve done all along and the prospect of change is scary?

 

“Maybe you’ve been in my spot before...It’s the moment when you had really high expectations for something and it just didn’t work out the way you thought it would. You did your best, but you feel like God has other plans and maybe you weren’t prepared for that. I am learning that God doesn’t bring us places to meet our expectations. For Him, it’s a lot more about transformation.” -H.B. pg 71

 

No matter the lie fear is telling me & no matter how I feel, who Jesus is does not and will not change. I have the choice to listen to His voice, renew my mind in the truth, and let Him remind me of who He is and who He created me to be.  And I pray you will choose the same.

 

“For years, I was consumed by what it would mean to “matter” in this world. To people. To someone special. To God.

I think we’ve all felt that. We want to know that our lives matter, that this isn’t some crazy accident we all got stuck inside of. I started to chase after whatever the world told me mattered. Success. Acclaim. Love. Happiness. I became obsessed with this idea of “getting there,” wherever “there” was. I was in a constant state of waiting to arrive somewhere better.

I didn’t know yet that all the good things—like faith, love, trust—don’t happen overnight. You can’t pick them up from the drive-thru or snag them in an instant download. It’s easier to run after the next thing the world tells you matters. It’s easier to never do the hard work of planting your roots or letting people in as you grab your suitcase and run hard toward “the next thing.”— But when you get tired of running, there’s a better story waiting to begin. I promise, it’s better. Yet there’s a catch: you’ll just have to stick around long enough. You’ll have to dig in and do the work—the work that happens in the here and now.” -H.B. pg 16

 

“Just be here now. You are going to miss life if you keep asking me if you are in the right place.”

A Better Choice.

May my meditation be pleasing to Him, as I rejoice in the Lord.  Psalm 104:34

I remember when Jesus was a checklist: a row of boxes I believed I had to check to avoid consequences and keep from “getting in trouble.”  I knew how to do things, but I was exhausted. I could hide it from others but I knew that I had no love or joy in my heart. I couldn’t escape the shallow emptiness & everything I did flowed from a dry, withering heart that was trying to disguise it’s thirst.

In all my fleshly might I was trying to do the right things so God would be pleased but I was missing His heart and I didn’t realize that He had so much better for me.  I was settling for guilt and religion while all along He stood there; offering me Himself: standing with arms open, hands and heart full of grace and forgiveness .  I thought I could earn my way to a close, fruitful relationship with Him and I failed to realize that He right there: standing right next to me the whole time. I think about how much that must’ve broken His heart. To see me thinking I could earn what He died to freely give.

Thru that season God showed me that my actions were a result of a poor understanding and misconception of who He truly is.  Like Paul said; the pursuit and call of our lives is “that I may know Him…” (Phil 3:10)  As we rest and rejoice in who He is everything else becomes an outpouring: a response and expression of our gratitude. No longer a box to check.

That season taught me so much.  It also serves as a reference so that when I find myself falling into old patterns, working out of my own strength or with insincere motives I am reminded that Jesus has so much better:

I was not made to work; I was made to abide.

I was not made to strive; I was created to rest.

I was not made to earn; I was designed to worship.

As we rest and rejoice in Jesus we find ourselves pushing onward (Phil 3:12) & running forward towards Him (1 Cor 9:24)—because He is our exceedingly great reward (Gen 15:1). 

Choose Him; the One who can never be taken from you.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.” Colossians 3:16

“Lord, I want to see.”

I recently read the petition of the blind man in Luke 18:41 and found my heart crying the same prayer:

“Lord, I want to see.” 

He pleads in humility, with unwavering resolve, and brings his desire before Jesus: “I want to see.”

This blind man teaches me that my prayers don’t have to be long or eloquent. I don’t have to talk around the problem, trying to cover up my need, or act like everything is ok. I can go to Jesus; fully trusting that He will meet me where I am and He’s not afraid of my honesty.

No matter what darkness you are facing: Jesus, the Light of the World, is there to meet you. Maybe He won’t take the darkness away—but He’ll be the light and give you eyes to see Him amidst the dark.

His prayer also convicted me. In seasons of questioning or confusion I have prayed a similar prayer: “Lord, open my eyes! I want to see! I want to understand! I want clarity, I need Your guidance and direction. I am helpless; I need You!” And Jesus has answered by opening my eyes, convicting my heart and revealing something I hadn’t seen before.  But I have often been quick to turn and fix my eyes on something else—because I’d rather not acknowledge my weakness or admit my need because I don’t want to do what is required to change. So I choose distraction: there are a million things vying for our attention & it’s so easy to habitually turn to what’s designed to mindlessly entertain, dull the pain, or unsuccessfully satisfy us.

Life is messy, it hurts, it gets uncomfortable, and its easy to think that it would be better to act like it’s all ok; to keep our eyes closed and never have to face the reality of our desperation.

Because honestly: seeing hurts. I’m sure this man stood in wonder and awe as he saw God’s creation for the first time—but I’m sure his heart also broke when he saw pain and injustice that he had only heard or felt before.

But his life was changed forever because of Jesus. I imagine how many times he must’ve shared his story, with tears in his eyes, clouding his vision, proclaiming the goodness of how Jesus answered him.  He probably never grew tired of telling his miracle.

Jesus is not ashamed, embarrassed, or turned away by your need—He does not look away in an attempt to keep from making eye contact. He sees.  He wants to meet you in your longing.  But more than that: He wants to heal, change, and restore you.

This blind man could’ve chosen to keep silent. He could’ve allowed every doubt and fear to keep him quiet. He could’ve listened to the people telling him to be quiet. He could’ve stopped crying out after the 2nd or 3rd try; but he didn’t—because of his desperation he persisted.

This kind of desperation requires humility and hunger. It sounds like “I don’t know, but I’m trusting Jesus; calling out to Him and I will continue to cry out because I know He hears.” It requires you to lay down your pride, your efforts, and depend completely on God.

It’s ok to admit that you’re scared.
It’s ok to say that you don’t understand.
It’s ok to confess that you don’t know the next step.
It’s ok if you feel like you’re still finding your way—we all are.
It’s ok to cry, “Lord, I want to see.”

Instead of walking away and distracting yourself from your need – let Him fill it. Let your need bring you to your knees and to His feet. Don’t run to a quick-fix—go to Him.

 

Just as desperately as you want to see;

He desperately wants to open your eyes.

 

 

“I once was lost but now I’m found.
Was blind but now I see.”

“Open up my eyes to the things unseen;
Show me how to love like You have loved me.”

Cultivate.

We live in a world full of quick fixes & immediate satisfaction-we’re told: “anything you want; you deserve to have.”  We want to see the beautiful end product, the happy ending, the conclusion & the destination. But the fact is that God created life to be a process: a journey. 

While thinking about the sometime seemingly slow process of life; the word “cultivate” has come up frequently in this new year and it’s been a reminder to trust that no test, trial, or season is ever wasted. So I looked up the meaning of the word cultivate…

  • to foster the growth of
  • to grow/care for
  • to raise/assist

“Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness.” -Psalm 37:3 [NASB]

What a beautiful picture of what Jesus is doing in our lives. Just as a farmer is patient, intentional, diligent & hard-working in cultivating his fragile and vulnerable crops; Jesus is doing the same in our hearts. The farmer knows what he is doing—he has a goal & purpose in mind and also has the tools, knowledge, and resources needed to fulfill those plans.

“For we are God’s fellow workers [His servants working together]; you are God’s cultivated field [His garden, His vineyard], God’s building.” – 1 Cor. 3:9 [AMP]

A farmer knows where he will plant, what seeds he will place there and why, he waters, weeds, persistently protects, nourishes and patiently waits. He gently cares and does everything in his power to make his crops fruitful—even if that means pruning and doing what temporarily hurts.

“For, behold, I am for you, and I will turn to you [in favor], and you shall be cultivated and sown.” Ezekiel 36:9

The growing process is hard, long, & anything but glamorous…but what it produces in you is more than your heart could ever imagine. As you trust the One who sees the end from the beginning He grows and strengthens your faith in Him. Trust Him when He plants seeds and pulls weeds. Trust Him when He prunes and waters.  Trust Him when He picks and replants.  What He has purposed He will accomplish; He will always complete what He has started. His word will not return to Him void.

It is a process and in our own strength we are helpless to wait because everything in our human mind and reasoning wants to take control.  Long-suffering is something that only the Spirit of God can produce in us.

“Let us not grow weary or become discouraged in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap, if we do not give in.” Gal. 6:9

Don’t deceive yourself to believe that this fast paced, never stopping, comfortable life portrayed and idolized by society is how it was meant to be…that we’re living the dream when we’re living for ourselves: chasing our own passions, pursuits and ambitions. I pray we would desperately long to love God’s desires more than our own & that we would follow after His heart and run from of our own. How much the enemy of our souls would love for us to believe that we’re pursuing what really matters as we chase after what the world values: only to come to the end of our lives and find that the rat-race lead to destruction.

“If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will save it. What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet loses or forfeits his very self?”  – Luke 9:23-25

I want to spend my life chasing what matters. 

Trust that He is sovereign, constant, faithful & trustworthy. He is working, cultivating, strengthening, and growing—in the small, simple, routine things that go unappreciated and unseen He sees and He cares. Every chore, kind word, prayer, hurt, & tear: He knows. There are many ordinary tasks in a day; but not one of them is without purpose when done in worship, to glorify Jesus. God is always using the mundane in our lives to accomplish something greater in us.  He is bringing it all together to work the extraordinary. One day you’ll look back and see that when you thought He’d forgotten He was there; holding you thru it all.

 

Don’t lose sight of today’s purpose: remember that He is cultivating you.

 

 

“In the soil, I now surrender
You are breaking new ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand
When I trust You I don’t need to understand”

– “New Wine” by Hillsong